something along those lines...

addictions

2011-09-22T01:39:00.002+03:00

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady,hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted- an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddam it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So thats it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self".

-Elizabeth Gilbert

Sent from my iPhone

i missed you

2011-09-05T20:44:00.002+03:00

"I missed you"

That was it.

Three words.

Three words was all it took.

And just like that, her whole world came crashing down.

The whole fort that she had been building for years fell apart along its circumference; the building bricks that she made from the shattered pieces of her heart tumbled piece by piece onto the floor. The hard cement that she made by mixing her pride and tears together was liquefied in an instant, flowing undermeath her feet like a river. Even the sturdy pillars that she built out of pain -aching constant pain that was still there after all this time....even those she watched collapse right before her eyes.

Her whole world came crashing down.

And in less than a split second, her pride was being washed away with tears of joy - the same tears of joy that were washing away her pain. In less than a split second, an overwhelming sense of relief that she hasnt felt for years, made it way to the broken pieces of her heart, trying to glue them back together.

But it wasnt that simple. The damage was too extensive this time.

Far beyond repair.

The pieces were too small. The tears were too big.

The damage was too extensive.

"7abeebty?" he asked worried. She was quiet, almost in a state of trance as far as he was concerned. He saw that in her eyes, she had gone to a world miles and miles away. But he had been gone too long now to know her well enough and know what she was thinking.

Seeing that his voice didnt grasp her attention, he reached for her hand.

His skin touching her sent an electric sensation that she had been longing for. Suddenly, his warmth was radiating through her skin, feeding her heart, her mind and her soul..the same soul she would have happily sold the remains of to the devil, if it would have eased the pain she went through after what he had done to it.

And through the rush of memories that his touch brought back, through the days in the garden and nights on the beach, through sneaked kisses and hushed phonecalls, through the life that they planned together, the only thing that was vividly imprinted in her mind was, not how it never happened, but why it never happened.

And that memory was still as fresh and as painful as the day it happened. Infact, it was so painful that his touch now felt like a broken piece of glass piercing through her palm. She looked down at her palm that was now bleeding pain, and looked back deep into his eyes...into his soul.

She saw genuine sorrow. She saw deep regret. She saw promises of how he will rectify things.

But shining the most brightly of all these things, she saw longing and yearning...and lots of love. An amount that she had never seen before...so much so that it was pouring out of his eyes.

And that drew a smile on her face, as she squeezed his hand. Her smile sent an overwhelming amount of joy to his heart, which reflected as beams of hope and dreams and promises on his face.

But only for mere seconds.

After she squeezed his hand, she softly put it down on the table between them.

Then, she watched his puzzled face as she let go of his hand and, still smiling, got up.....and walked away.

december 2nd

2010-12-02T23:59:00.000+03:00

[via postsecret.com]

"Nothing on this planet can compare to a woman's love - it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through moutains for you, no matter how you've acted out, no matter what crazy thing you've done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren't anymore words left to say, encourage you when you're at rock bottom and think there just isn't any way out, hold you in her arms when you're sick, and laugh with you when you're up. And if you're her man and that woman loves you - I mean really loves you - she will shine you up when you're dusty, encourage you when you're down, defend you even when she's not so sure you were right, and hang on to your every word, even when you're not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you're no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relatioship, she will give you her very best and even some more, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she's done to convince you she's The One isn't good enough.

That's a woman's love - it stands the test of time, logic and all circumstances"

~ to December 2nds...
NOT November 12ths

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

tweet tweet

2010-08-18T08:58:00.003+03:00

doona is now on twitter! =D

who else is? ;p

@d00na

Contrasting Realities 33

2010-08-09T03:40:00.000+03:00

ok recap saree3 ;p

haya is on a business trip with hottie snobby m7ammad in london, and because of a grudging rana (the secretary) is stuck sharing a suite with him, making her see a whole new side of him

m7ammad flirts with her chenna el3eed...3abboud calls her marra zaffha oo hung up on her ;p

layla comes to london for 2 days, but is called back to kuwait because her mother is sick. she tells haya that m7ammad has always had a thing for her, but that he was told to stay away from her.

haya is slowly falling for m7ammad...they kiss, then she freaks out and leaves the suite...m7ammad follows her and tells her he loves her blabla. the lonely-and-inlove haya decides to give him a chance to see if things would go anywhere

adry wayed kharboo6a....bas this is just to jog your memory loool ;p

i know this post is kinda slow oo mako wayed action, bas i need it to kinda 'jog' my writing too since i havent written in so long...bas it still has tiny little hints that will serve a purpose later ;)

so do enjoy! ;**

ps: mbarak 3laikom elshahar ;**

************

Wrapped around each other, we walked back to the hotel in complete silence under the pouring rain. The only thing other than our bodies that was keeping us warm was the aura of the love surrounding us. It was strange how I no longer felt sparks or butterflies, but how the peace of it all still intoxicated me.

When we walked into the hotel, we were dripping from every side. Still wrapped around each other though, we couldnt care less about the stares we got or about our squeaking footsteps on the marble floor as we headed to the elevator. Moments after we stepped inside our room, 7amood spoke with his hands still wrapped around me.

"7abeebty?"

I didnt reply.

"Haya?"

"Say it again" I turned to face him as he embraced me.

"Say what again?"

"Eni 7abeebtik"

He smiled, and softly kissed my lips. I closed my eyes and felt the rush.

"7abeebty..oo 3umry...oo 7ayaty kilaha"

I smiled shyly.

"Lazem tdish tetsaba7 oo tbadil 3shan la t6ee7 mareeth" I said, running my fingertips around his face playfully.

"7ta entay"

"Khalas 3yal netsaba7 oo we meet here for dinner again?"

"Eli yray7ich 3umry...bas I'll miss you"

"7amoood...dont be cheesy" I teased.

"I'm not wallah...I dont wanna lose a single moment of you Haya....I've waited so long for this"

"Its just a shower...la t9er daloo3" I said as I broke free from him, but he held my hand and I bounced right back to my place.

"Enzaaaaaain ana 3indy e8tera7..." he said as he brought my hand to his lips, "dam ena ana ra7 atsaba7 oo abadil, oo entay ra7 tsab7ain oo tbadleen..." his voice came down to a very low and oh-so-sexy tone, "shrayich nitsaba7 oo nbadil m3 ba3ath? Nwafir may 3al a8al" he said as he raised his eyebrow at me in amusement.

"Eglub wayhik zain" I said as I lightly punched his chest.

"You cant blame a guy for trying" he kissed my palms once more.

"Yala 7abeeby 3shan ma nimrath"

"Zain 3a6eny bosa"

"tsk"

"Hayooyaa.." he whined and gave me his puppy eyes, "yala 3ad!! Lazem shay y9aberny through my shower"

"Laa mako...dont get too used to this. I'm not that type of girl" i looked down feeling guilty, "I know this is wrong and I think my conscience was a sleep today"

"That means its still asleep for a few hours till the day ends" he whispered into my ears, "so what do you say to the shower offer?"

I gave him a death look.

"Fine fine...lets shower oo we'll discuss the conscience issue ba3dain" he said as he let me go.

"Mafeha discussion" I said as I stuck my tongue out and walked away.

I took the longest hottest shower I ever took, using my favorite shampoo and shower gel to wash both my hair and body three times. Even after I stepped out and put on my purple Juicy tracksuit, I still felt very cold. I decided to blow-dry my hair instead of letting it air dry.

A few minutes after I turned on the blowdryer, I heard knocks on my door. I turned it off to hear.

"Hala?"

"Ya3ny btkhaleeny bro7y oo btsawen sha3rich?"

"Bas ga3da anashfa mmo ga3da asawy feh shay"

"Zain ta3aly saweh eb dary" I heard a naughty tone in his voice.

"Laa mako"

Pause.

"Ok 3ayal khal9y oo ana bara. shino taben takleen?"

"Laa maby akil shay mo yo3ana"

"Ok"

Less than 10 minutes later, my hair was dry and I went to join him. He was lying on the sofa, wearing a light cotton shirt than nicely flattered his torso and sweatpants. I stood at the foot of the sofa and stared at him.

"Mn 9ijik enta?"

"Shino?"

"Mo bardan?" I said through my velevt tracksuit that was zipped all the way up to my neck. I sank inside it a little more as I spoke.

He gave me one of his happy smiles. The ones I've only seen in London, but never back in Kuwait.

"Ta3aly 3umry"

"Wain ayee?" I asked in confusion.

"Hnee" he opened his arms up to welcome me, "3la 9adry...ana adafeech"

I did as I was told and placed myself into his arms. He wrapped his strong arms around me and rubbed them against mine to warm me up. Suddenly, all the events and exhaustion of the day hit me. Layla's departure, the unbelievable rush of tangled emotions, the rain, our intoxicating kiss under the rain.

As his warmth radiated to me, I closed my eyes to take it all in.

"A7san?"

"mmm..." and that was the last thing I remembered before I drifted into deep sleep.

mmm...

2010-08-05T01:11:00.003+03:00

guess who's working on a new post for contrasting realities? ;p

another him

2010-07-25T09:49:00.000+03:00

He didnt look like him.
He didnt have the same hair.
He wasnt as tall or as dark.
He had a narrower chin and a sharper nose.

He didnt dress like him.
His shirts were much tighter and jeans much skinnier.
He biceps were much less defined and his chest less warming.

He wasnt him.

She knew it and she didnt have to look twice to confirm.

But something about him struck her as familiar....

The way he walked?
His confidence?
His Ray-Bans?

The way he smiled?
His arrogance?
His tan?

She didnt know....she just couldnt quite place her hands on it.

He wasnt him.

But was he another him?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

dear readers,

2010-07-16T05:11:00.001+03:00

i am so so so so soory!

i know i promised a post soon, but my laptop 9arla fatra gone all whacko :(
im hoping to get a new one soon!

sam7oony 3al g9oor :(
oo wish me patience!

ps: i wanna go mac....who knows what about em?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

perfection

2010-07-04T03:03:00.000+03:00

Deciding to ignore all creepy-crawlies, she lay her body on the dirty sand near Shuwaikh port. The setting was far from perfect: there was a low tide, the smell of the sea was pungent and humidity filled the air. With sand in her hair, she lay facing a dusty sky that displaced the view of the moon and any stars into nothingness.

He raised an eyebrow at her, and even though she could see him from the corner of her eyes, she decided to ignore the questioning look on his face. Impressed by her impulsiveness, he lowered his body and settled next to her. With sand in his hair, he lay facing a dusty black sky that displaced the view of the moon and any stars into nothingness.

They were all alone by the beach.

Not a sound.
Not a light.
Just them and the pitch black sky in their sight.

They held hands.

She thought about their wedding and the names of their children. He thought about their house and what schools they will send their kids to.

She thought about how comfortable she was in his presence, and how she could possibly love someone so much more than herself. He thought about how relaxed he was in her company, and how he could possibly love someone so much more than himself.

"Tadreen..." he said as he turned his gaze from the sky to face her, "it doesnt get anymore perfect than this”. He squeezed her hand tighter as he looked lovingly into her eyes, “This moment...this is what perfection is"

**********

Deciding to ignore all creepy-crawlies, she lay her body on the white Bnaider sand. The setting was almost perfect: the waves hit the shore softly, the water touched the tips of their toes and there was a cool summer breeze in the air. With sand in her hair, she lay facing a beautiful starry night and a full moon.

He raised an eyebrow at her, and even though she could see him from the corner of her eyes, she decided to ignore the questioning look on his face. Impressed by her impulsiveness, he lowered his body and settled next to her. With sand in his hair, he lay facing a beautiful starry night and a full moon.

They were all alone by the beach.

Not a sound.
Not a light.
Just them and the luminous moon in their sight.

They didnt hold hands.

She thought about what the future held for her and where she would be in 10 years time. He thought about setting goals for his life and if he would ever become CEO by age 30.

She thought about how comfortable she is in his presence, even though their relationship was strictly platonic. He thought about how relaxed he was in her company, even though their relationship was strictly platonic.

"Tadreen..." he said without turning to face her, "it doesnt get anymore perfect than this”. Still looking up, he waved his hands at the stars and the bright white moon, “This moment...this is what perfection is".

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

Contrasting Realities 32

2010-03-28T23:02:00.000+03:00

It was a while before I heard his voice in the corridor looking for me. By that time, I was already halfway down the stairs, since I didnt have it in me to wait for the elevator. I took the stairs two steps at a time, being very careful not to trip. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I ran through the lobby, knowing very well I attracted lots of attention behind me.

Until I stepped out of the hotel.

Into the pouring rain.

Yet again, with nowhere to go.

I reckoned it was about 7pm now, but I had no phone, no watch, no wallet and no destination. And no intention of finding one either. So I just turned to my left and started walking. Not strike that, it was more like a jog. And from there on, I just kept walking, waiting for the streets to take me somewhere...anywhere.

I wish I could say I was thinking about this and that, or analyzing this and that, or feeling guilty over this and that..

but I wasnt...

I was just blank...completely blank.

No feelings, no emotions, no thoughts....

Nothing.

It was still early January, and the city was dressed in all sorts of lights from Christmas. I walked in the rain admiring their beauty, all the while amazed by how a bunch of lightbulbs could make me smile.

I wasnt sure if I was walking very slowly, or if the slow motion was all in my head, but eventually, I found myself at an intersection, and through the pouring rain I saw Hyde park across the street. Perfect, I thought to myself. It couldnt have come at a better timing. Deep down, though, I was pretty sure my subconscious dragged me here, if that was at all possible.

I crossed the very slippery streets, nearly losing my balance a few times, and ended up at the gate. Then I walked in, and made my way to my favorite place in the world: the lake.

As I passed that infamous tree struck by lightning, I muttered a silent prayer thanking God there was none today. I was glad to find that all the benches were empty, and I quickly skipped to my favorite bench next to the cafe, only to realize how stupid that was when I got there. After all, what was I expecting, that someone will beat me to it?

It was my first time in Hyde Park at night. I've been warned numerous times about how scary the place gets at night, and how its very easy to get mugged there. None of that mattered though. It was raining. It was quiet. It was peaceful.

I could hear nothing save for the sound of the rain falling on the grass and water. I could see nothing save for the rain falling on the grass and water.

It was perfect.

I took in all its serenity and tranquility, and with every breath I took I felt my heart rate slow down and I felt myself regaining composure. Slowly, the numbness started subsiding, and feelings slowly came back. I could now feel the rain trickling down my forehead from my soaked hair, and I could hear it playing melodies as it hit the lake in small and big droplets, quickly and slowly, forcefully and softly. Some falling straight from the heavens, and some off the dancing trees hanging above it. Some falling from the heavens, to the trees, to my hair, then trailing down my body and clothes, onto the floor and into the lake.

I closed my eyes and felt the connection between my body, and the lake, and the rain, and the trees, and the sky. Suddenly, a strange sense of peace dawned upon me, like nothing in the world could hurt me.

And even though I expected it to disappear as soon as I heard his voice, it didnt.

“Haya...”

Even though I didnt hear his footsteps, he didnt startled me. I didnt cry. I didnt collapse. I didnt break down. I didnt even flinch. Or turn around for that matter.

“M7ammad...”

There was a moment of silence. I could tell he was confused, thinking of what to say.

“Shga3tsawen?” He was standing still.

“Ga3da...” I spoke, once again without turning around.

“Eb hal mu6ar?” He spoke and this time, his voice grew closer as he walked towards me.

“ee”

“Mo bardana?” He was now by the bench.

“La2” I spoke as I looked out into the darkness of the lake.

He walked over and kneeled infront of me, holding my hand. He was looking into my eyes, but I was still looking ahead. I could see his baby blues lighting up the place from the corner of my eyes, but I refused to face him.

“Haya...” He brought his hand to my face, turning it towards him, “are you okay?”

He was wearing the same clothes he was earlier. He obviously left in a rush since he wasnt even wearing a jacket. His hands were trembling on my face and as he gripped my hand. His eyes were filled with emotions, so many conflicting emotions that I couldnt even comprehend, but I'm pretty sure concern made the vast majority of them. The rain was flowing down his face so vigorously, but he wasnt even blinking as it hit his face. He was just staring at me.

It was now my turn to reach for his face. I placed my palm on his face, and traced his features with my fingertips. I felt his soaked hairline, his tense temples, his dripping eyebrows, the soft corners of his eyes, his strong cheekbones, and when they got to the corner of his lips, I looked up into his eyes once again. He was looking at me with a dazed expression on his face. I could tell he was confused, and unsure of how he should react. I felt his lips tremble underneath my fingers, as he opened his mouth, but sealed it shut again, changing his mind about whatever it is that he was going to say.

I smiled.

He placed his hand on top of mine as I gently stroked his face. Then, he moved it towards his mouth and kissed the inside of my palm with his eyes closed. Even through the rain, I still felt his soft lips gently caressing my palm.

He then opened his eyes and looked up at me with his big blue eyes.

“A7ibich Haya”

I looked down again, feeling the guilt coming over.

“Haya please 6al3eny”

I didnt. So, he turned my face towards him.

“A7ibich Haya...w8asaman billah I do...wghalatich 3indy I do...oo if you give me a chance, just once chance, I promise you wont regret it. I'll treat you like a princess. No, I'll treat you like a goddess. Like the goddness that you are. I promise I'll make you the happiest girl in the world,” he spoke very quickly, like this was his last chance and he was desperately trying to squeeze in as much as he can in so little time, “oo I promise those tears you cried would be the last tears you ever cry as long as I'm with you. I promise eni a3awthech 3an all these tears. I promise I'll never make you cry. I swear Haya, just give me a chance and you'll be the happiest-” he rambled on.

Realizing he was out of breath, I placed my fingers over his lips “Shhhh...”

“Laa Haya mo shhh...I've been quiet for long enough and look where it's got me. Bas enough I cant keep it in anymore. I cant pretend watching you with someone else is okay anymore. I cant pretend watching you slipping through my fingers is okay anymore. Bas khalas Haya mani gader. I cant pretend-”

I leaned over and placed my lips on top of his, and kissed them softly. I felt him stiffen up for a few seconds, and I could feel his hesitancy. I kept my lips plastered on his until I felt him loosen up. Then, I felt his wet lips kissing me back as he cupped my face in his palms.

Feelings could not be described.

Neither could the intoxicating combination of sweat, rain and M7.

Love was in the air...or rather rain...

backlight

2010-03-19T03:00:00.002+03:00

After a very long exhausting day at work, she finally got into her room and let her laptop slide off her shoulders, feeling its thud beneath her feet when it hit the floor. She changed into her favorite fluffy pajamas, and looked at her face. Her now-running makeup was still on, but she decided against removing it. Those two minutes would be better spent sleeping.

She rummaged through her bag blindly as she walked towards the light switch, only turning it off when her phone was within her reach. She then pulled it out and made her way to her bed in the pitch black darkness, trying her best to use her sense of direction to dodge the million things lying on the floor that came her way. Even though she knew fully well that she could very easily use the phone's backlight to find her path, she chose the serenity of the darkness over the convenience of an obstacle-free walk.

When her knee finally hit the side of her bed, she ran her hand over her soft blanket and was amazed at how its fibers seemed to soothe her. Using both hands, she flipped the blanket inside-out and made the soft side face the sheets. She then slipped underneath it, not merely covering herself, but rather wrapping herself up into her blanket. Making herself feel safe. Warm. Protected.

These arent feelings one is supposed to get from a blanket, she thought to herself...

But she quickly dismissed the thought. She was tired. Exhausted. Too exhausted to even do what she does best (and always): think till it drives her...well...mad.

She closed her eyes and stretched her aching body and strained muscles. Its been a rough couple of months for her. Things have been everything but easy. Yet even this much she only enjoyed for a few seconds before remembering that she forgot to set her alarm to 6am for tomorrow. Just like every other day.

She opened her eyes quickly, but just as quickly, she realized there was really no change in the view her back of her eyelids gave her as opposed to the dark room she was now facing. Reaching for her phone, she set the alarm and placed it back on the nightstand, settling back into her position under the blanket. She watched the outline of the room as the phone's backlight reflected on it. The closet, the nightstand, the desk...everything in shades of grey.

There was only one thing missing in the room....her.

Suddenly, the backlight went off and the dawn of blackness interrupted her thoughts yet again. Maybe it was a sign that she should stop thinking? Who is she kidding? She doesnt need a sign to tell her that.

She felt the pain in her back yet again, probably telling her body that she needs to get some rest before tomorrow comes and the cycle starts all over again. She had never been happier with her extremely busy lifestyle as she was now. She had never been happier she doesnt have time for anything as she was when she realized that she doesnt have time to even think.

She closed her eyes one last time, knowing fully well that her tired body would win the battle with her over-analytic brain soon, and that it would only take her a couple of minutes to fall asleep.

She cuddled deeper into her soft blanket, once again hoping it was something else. Or possibly someone else. And thats when that last final thought made her way to her brain.

"A7ib-" she whispered and then paused. The word slipped out of her soft pink lips, surprising her. Where did that come from, she thought to herself, surprised. It must be one of those dying battles that the brain is losing for the body. Its using every last weapon to survive, including throwing in random thoughts and emotions.

And it worked, mind you. She then started thinking of, not the thought, but why it didnt come out of her mouth. Why she stopped halfway through, leaving it hanging there, flapping around like a naked chicken.

And thats when she came to the conclusion that she didnt know what she wanted to hear. Did she want to hear herself say "A7ibik"? Or did she want to hear "A7ibich" coming to her from someone else? Did she want to be loved, or did she want to be in love? Which side of the story did she want to hear, or rather, live?

What was she fantasizing about?

"I love you so much...mwaaaaaaaah" she spoke louder this time, and in English, solving the issue and not specifying the gender. Or the receiver. Or the sender. It was the body's way of shutting the brain up for the night.

And it worked. She slept peacefully that night.

Well, that and the fact that....

[LINK]

Contrasting Realities 31

2010-01-11T00:55:00.001+03:00

btethb7ony, 9a7? i'm sorry...adry yabeely 6ag :s

bas wallah wallah i've been busy...so very busy

and also, sorry for not getting back to your comments in the last few posts..

bas inshallah b2ethn Allah etha Allah rad, i will be khosh bloggera from now on =D

soooo until next time...a7ibkoooooom!!

and i miss you wayed wayed wayed!! ;**

ps: oo yakhy sub7an allah elinspiration ma eyee ela 7azzat lemte7anat ;Pp

got 2 exams in the next 3 days, so ed3oly...ed3oly as much as you enjoy this post! =D

pps: ehda2 7ag nwair whom i started this (very very diffucult to write for personal reasons that you know about) post for to begin with, and wallah it just finished today...bemonasabat belated jan 9th haha ;Pp

**********************************

Even though I felt myself waking up slowly, I fought the urge to open my eyes. I was afraid that maybe I'd find out this was all a dream and I'd wake up alone once more...that this was simply one of my fantasies yet again. I sank deeper into what I vividly remembered was his arms, and dug my face deeper into what I vividly remembered was his chest, and inhaled what I vividly remembered was his M7.

But I kept my eyes closed.

What if this were all a dream? What would I do then?

I tried to push away all thoughts out of my head, for the more I thought, the more alert I became...and the more alert I became, the more I feared I'd wake up...which made me think even more.

And the cycle kept on going.

Until I was aware enough to recognize what I was listening to.

Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub. Lub Dub.

His heartbeats. Just like I remembered them the last time they mesmerized me. Just like I remembered them the last time they kept me safe.

Then I felt his chin resting on the crown of my head. As he breathed, I felt his breath tickle the roots of my hair near my bangs, and as it fell on my forehead near my eyes.

Then I felt his fingers tracing their way across my forehead and eyebrow, moving the hair away from my eyes and securing it behind my ears. He lay his fingers there for a few moments, and I heard him whispering something, but I couldnt tell what he was saying.

I opened my eyes to find him, not staring, but gazing at me. Our eyes locked for a few seconds without a single word being spoken. I was lost in his baby blues.

“9ba7 elgumar”

I blushed in response, sinking deeper into his chest.

“You look gorgeous when you blush, you know?”

I turned into a deeper shade of crimson. So I tried to change the subject.

“What time is it?”

“Nearly 3pm”

“Wow! I've asleep for that long?”

“Yeah...I guess you were pretty beat”

“Kilish ma 7asait blwagt,” I spoke as I dug my face deeper into his chest, “ent nemt?”

“Not really”

“3yal shino sawwait?”

“I was watching you” he said his eyes locked into mine.

I looked down, feeling heat radiating out of my face.

He used his fingers to lift my chin up to look at his blue eyes again.

“Haya...”

I was melting with every syllable, every voice, every sound.

“Uhmmm?” was all I could pour out of my mouth.

“You're beautiful”

I felt myself grinning and blushing, but he wouldnt let me look down.

“Oo elmafrooth ma tist7een lma people tell you facts about yourself, ok?”

My grin grew even wider as I looked into his eyes. His eyes that were now smiling at me.

“Inshallah”

I lay my head back on his chest and inhaled his scent. I felt him running his fingers through my hair, and twirling my locks in between his fingers. Everytime he would reach the end of a lock, it would slip out of his fingers, and they would reach back to my face, tracing my forehead, my eyebrows and my ears in the process, until they reach my hairline. He would then plant a soft kiss on my forehead while wrapping a new lock of hair around his fingers, repeating the process.

We sat there for what seemed like an eternity, in total silence save for the sound of our breaths and beating hearts. Never did I feel so relaxed in someone's presence before, never mind M7ammad's. Never did I feel so safe. Never did I feel at such ease.

Even when I was with 3abboud, I was always worried about what I was doing, that maybe its wrong that I'm leading him on when deep deep deep down I knew I wasnt in love with him. But now...everything felt right.

Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong, that I had someone back home, that I should atleast give him the courtesy of ending things before I did this....even though I knew I was cheating, everything felt so right. The way his arms wrapped around me...the way his chest felt underneath my face...the way we just fit so perfectly into each other.

Everything felt so right. Like pieces of a puzzle finally...yes finally...falling together. Finally fitting completely and not just close enough....not just as good as it gets.

Everything just felt so...perfect.

My thoughts were interrupted by my stomach growling. I involuntarily wrapped it in my arms and spoke to it. “Shhhhhh!!”

He laughed.

“La teth7ak” I pouted.

“7beebty yo3ana?”

“Not really...bas I havent eaten anything since ams so I guess my tummy shway m3tartha” I tried to speak normally, pretending the 7beebty part didnt sweep me off my feet.

“Yallah 3ayal lets go eat...oh my God its 6 already” he said, trying to get up. But I pushed him back down.

“Maby”

“Shfeech hayooya?” He was concerned.

“Maby...i just wanna sit here...with you...like this...maby agom...maby at7arak” The words all came out of my mouth at one go before I had any chance to stop them. I realized what I said only after they did. By then it was too late.

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!

Embarrassed, I quickly got off his chest. Only this time he was the one who pulled me back down to him, our faces inches apart.

“3yal why are you leaving me?” he said, looking me straight in the eye.

I avoided his question as well as his gaze.

“Haya” he said, tilting my chin in his direction. I didnt know if I froze or melted everytime he touched me.

“I'm in love with you”

Goosebumps?

Electricity?

Butterfulies?

I dont know...

But what I do know is that all I read in romantic novels and all I saw in movies all this time was nothing....nothing...compared to how this felt.

I didnt realize I had closed my eyes while listening to his words until I felt his lips on my cheeks. So warm, so soft, so...right.

I opened my eyes to find him gazing into my soul once more.

“A7ibich Haya...I do”

I felt light-headed as he spoke. I felt like I was floating...like I was walking on clouds...like nothing could bring me down.

Then I knew what was going to happen.

Then I knew that I had no power to stop it.

Then I knew I wanted it just as badly as he did.

Then I saw him looking it my lips.

Then I saw him leaning closer to me.

Then I felt his lips falling ever so softly on mine.

Then I felt that rush going through my body as I kissed him back.

The same rush that woke my conscience up.

I pulled my lips away from his and stood up so abruptly that I nearly fell back on him.

“M7ammad...magdar...i cant...i cant...im so sorry...bas wallah I cant...this is wrong...3abboud...magdar...m7ammad magdar wallah magdar im so sorry”

I rambled on through my tears and in less than a split second I was outside the room and running through the corridor as fast as I could.

Contrasting Realities 30

2009-11-21T23:36:00.002+03:00

“Allllll byyyyyy myselffffffffffff....la laaaaa la laaaaaaaa”

Even though I wasnt looking at him, I could see him looking at me with questioning eyes from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.

“ALLLLLLLLL BYYYYYYYY MYYYYYSEEEEEEEEEELF”

I started again the moment he looked away from me. Naturally, he turned back the moment he heard my voice.

“LAAAA LAAAAA LAAAAAA LAAAAAAA”

I continued singing, knowing fully well I was out of rhythm. And lyrics, mind you.

I saw him smiling from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.

“AAAAAALLLLLLLL BYYYYYYY MYYYYYY SEEEEEEEEEEEELF”

He laughed out loud.

I stopped abruptly in the middle of the airport.

“Is something funny?”

“No...nothing” he spoke trying to contain his giggles.

“Laa chenk ga3teth7ak”

“I'm...” he chuckled, then stopped and cleared his throat “...not”

“ee 3abaly ba3ad”

I started walking again, making my way towards the exit of the airport. We had just dropped Laila off to the gate, and after an Oscar-worthy display of emotion with full blown hugs and tears, there was only one thing I was feeling.

I felt alone.

I felt utterly, completely and heart-breakingly alone.

Even though she only stayed for a couple of days, her presence changed my spirits in so many ways. I felt like, for once, I could actually talk to someone about how I'm feeling and, most importantly, I could talk without any restrictions and without any rules.

And now she was gone. And here I am, doing what I do best.

Being alone.

I suddenly felt his warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find that I had stopped walking and was standing in the middle of the airport looking down at my intertwined fingers.

“Haya, are you okay?”

His eyes were filled with concern, his voice filled with care and his touch filled with warmth.

But suddenly, all I felt was an overwhelming emotion of how much I missed 3abboud. My baby. My guardian angel. My 3abboudy.

I smiled to myself, then looked up, smiling to M7ammad. I could feel my smile growing wider, and I could swear I saw the twinkle in my eyes.

“I'm fine, ” I spoke through my wide grin, running my hand through my bag in search for my phone. ”I just need to make a phone call. Ent go ahead and get us a cab, oo I'll catch up with you by that time”

“Ummm...ee sure” he said, and turned around to walk away. I felt the pain in his voice, and even though I felt bad, I didnt regret my decision. I needed to speak to 3abboudy and I needed to speak to him now. It suddenly hit me that I havent heard his voice in a few days now, that I've been sleeping without him wishing me a beautiful night, that I've been waking up to him without smiling after reading his message wishing me a lovely morning, that I havent heard his smile when I call him and he picks up the phone, that I havent seen him...

Stepping all over my pride and dignity, I scrolled to his name on my phone and pressed the Dial button.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Thats weird, I thought to myself. 3abboud never ever leaves his phone.

I called once again.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

That's really strange. I looked at my watch, which read 5am, meaning that it was 8am back in Kuwait. He should either be in work or headed to work right now. Where the hell was he? Why isnt he answering?

I called one last time. They say third is a charm.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Now, I was getting worried. I was thinking of all sorts of scenarios and all sorts of things that could have gone wrong. Maybe something happened to him, which is why he hasnt been calling me for the past few days. That would explain why neither of my parents mentioned him when I called them, and why khalty never called me since I got here. After all, I've seen with my own eyes with Laila's situation how these things happen in a split second.

Knowing fully well that she would be fast asleep right now, I called my mother nontheless.

“Alooo” her sleepy voice came through the speaker.

“Hala yuma shlonich?”

“Hala Haya 7beebty shlonich 7abeebty? What time is it?”

“Tamam mama, ” I ignored the second half of her question, “yuma 3abboud shakhbarah?”

“Wallah za3lan 3laich hayooya. Ams marna oo 7abeeby kan wayed m7ateech l2ana ma yadry 3anich shay since you left, bas b3dain lma geltla enich dagaity 3ly oo kilshay tamam, wayed kan methayag oo 7az ebkha6ra, bas ana 7awalt ahadeeh oo-”

Then the line went dead, and my phone gave me a Call Failed error message.

Is that what it was all about? He's ignoring me? Giving me a taste of my own medicine ya3ny? Yetsharah?

Somehow in a split second, all the emotions I was feeling earlier got channeled into something different. A lot of disappointment. A lot of anger.

And, dare I say, a lot of hate?

I never called my mother back, but instead I walked with very fast steps towards the exit. With so much fury in my head, I could barely see infront of me. My eyes frantically searched for M7ammad amongst lots of people and cars until I finally spotted him, waving his hand frantically in the air and stopping a taxi. I walked in his direction as fast as I could without actually jogging.

He turned just in time to see me behind him.

“You have excellent timing” he said, as he opened the door for me. I sat in the back of the taxi, while he sat next to the driver. M7ammad fell asleep throughout the 20 minute drive, despite the rain pouring outside.

I woke him up when we arrived. He insisted on paying the taxi driver, and then we headed to our suite in silence. He unlocked the door and lead me in first. I threw myself on the sofa out of physical and mental exhaustion, since I stayed up all night with Laila. I sunk in the sofa and stared into the TV screen that wasn't even switched on.

“Haya ana bamot mn elta3ab so I'll go sleep for a few hours” he said, standing next to the fridge with a bottle of water in his hand.

I stayed silent, because I was too engulfed in my own thoughts to say anything. Come to think about it, I dont even think I was thinking. I was just....blank.

I heard him sigh.

“T9b7een 3la khair” he said, and I could hear his shuffling steps headed towards his room.

I only spoke when I heard him open his door.

“M7ammad?”

“Hala?”

I spoke after a long pause.

“I need a hug...please” I spoke, and I heard my voice breaking towards the end of that sentence.

I heard him rush to the sofa where I was. He sat next to me as I sat there, completely immobile. He then wrapped his arms around me, and crushed me against his chest. I could instantly smell his M7 and his cigarettes, more intensely than I ever did before. I took in a deep breath and with it, I felt his warmth and his care, and most importantly, his love.

I started crying.

“Haya shfeech”

I cried harder.

“Haya laish ga3tabcheen baba?”

I felt him try to push me away to look at me but I held him tighter and dug my face deeper into his chest, with my tears soaking his shirt.

“Shhhhhh....bas baba bas 3awarty galby bas khalas...tukfain calm down”

I cried and cried and cried, till I could cry no more. He held me so tightly, comforting me, and trying to calm me down as much as he could. He rubbed my back and stroked my hair until I calmed down, with my face till dug in his chest. I didnt want to let go of him.

Even though I had stopped crying, I was still gasping for air. As my breathing became more regular and less noisy, I could hear his heart beating within his chest underneath my ears. The more I calmed down, the clearer and more regular it became. I heard every beat of his heart, and felt the pump of blood with every pulse. I felt protected. I felt safe.

Listening to his heart beats with my face on his chest, I fell asleep in his arms.

ble5!

2009-11-09T23:12:00.003+03:00

so this basically is why i've been away for so long...bas if you wanna find out more details and read the whole post, click here =)

********************

I hate sixth year.

I'm so overloaded with work, its not even sad anymore. Its just pathetic. I dont have time to do ANYTHING. Between oncalls, lectures, presentations, PBL's and case reports, wallah el3atheem and I kid you not, I have to CREATE time to squeeze in my showers. I dont even have time to study. Its just work overload. Assignment wara assignment, oncall wara oncall, case wara case...its just ridiculous.

I'm drained...and honest to God I'm having second thoughts about this whole medical school shit.
.
.
.
.
.

So even though i'm overworked and underpaid, and even though i'm having all these doubts and second thoughts, i'm gonna assume i'm PMSing (cz ironically it really is that time of month) and thats where all this garbage is coming from...

or maybe cz I got a few comments over the past few weeks eli 3awraw and I realized that I missed you guys way WAAAAAAAY too much;**

sam7oony 3al g9oor...i'll post and comment whenever I can =)

but until then, I shall now go finish my lunch (thats right...lunch) then go lay my very tired body on my bed and hope I catch a few good hours of sleep before the cycle begins again tomorrow morning!

i miss spilling like this...

and i miss you guys wayed...so much more than you could imagine or than I ever thought I would ;**

unsaid 1

2009-10-03T23:27:00.003+03:00

Alooo?

Hala Sara, shlonech?

*shyaby hatha...tawny kint weyah bljam3a. i hate formalities...i wish he could just say alo flana aby blablabla*
Wallah tamam el7amdella, enta shlonk ?

Mashy el7al...

*whats with the silence...9ij shyaby hatha...he's still quiet...awkwaaaaaard...t7acha!! alooooo!*
Thats good to hear

Sarooona, bghait a6lb mnch 6alab

*saroona?! mn 9ija hatha? shfeeh m6aye7 elmyana khair?
Tefathal?

erm...eb9ara7a ana shway metwaheg eb course elcalculus oo I was wondering if its okay if you can help me with it

*now things are making sense...sarooona hathy ma 6la3at ghair for the pruporse of ass-kissing*
ee sure...which lectures do you need help with?

Eb9ara7a, ana mo fahem wala kelma from the entire course...

*hala wallaaaaaaaaah*
Oh, I see

Look, I know ena its too much ena you help me with the entire course, bs ana adry enich tdreseen bl library sometimes...fa if I wont be intruding, I'd like to join you, oo etha twahagt eb shay, I can ask you oo akhaleech tkamleen derastch , fahmatny?

*ya7laila he already has a plan, I dont even have to think of anything...oo chenna its not so bad either?? Yes?? No??*
Sounds good to me

Bas akeed mara7 a2atheech this way?

*ofcourse you will!! I enjoy my solitude! why do people ask rhetorical questions? I wonder how he'll react if I say ee*
Ofcourse not, eshda3wa 3laik! Dont worry about it!

Great! 3ayal meta ma btro7en, let me know. Oo etha tgdreen a little bit before that, ya3ny not spot on 3shan azaheb 3umry I'd really appreciate that

*6arar oo mshar6 el2akh?*
Inshallah dear...will do

Khalas 3ayal, akhaleech al7en...have a good night

*elnas ygoloon thanks ya 7mar*
Thanks...you too

**********************************

this is something i've been contemplating for a while...

maybe it'll be something and maybe not, but i like the diversity it will give me and i seem to be getting lots of inspiration for it...

what do u think? i could alternate posts between this and contrasting realities for diversity's sake ;)

:)

2009-09-29T00:15:00.001+03:00

i missed you guys!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed! :D :D :D

my time away was much needed and very VERY very good for me :)

bas then again if you were interested in finding out about that, you'd be reading spill ;Pp

elmohem, i just wanted to write up a special post just to tell you how much i miss you all! how much i miss writing! how much i miss your comments and seeing you around ;**

bs then again, i'm back! so yaaaaaaaaaaay!

i'm back with alot of inspiration (and fun-facts-to-know-and-tell), and on top of it all, a very very VERY long post that i really hope you enjoy! =)

looking forward to seeing you around!
but until then, i have ALOT of catching up to do ;)

ps: i SUPER-MISS love, M, GutterFlower (elkalba), change and tigerlilly! wallah i miss your writings and your presence so so very much that i cant even begin to put it in words!!

pps: i might have a surprise for you guys that i really think you'll like, but im still contemplating the idea...and if it wasnt so late now and i didnt have dawam early in the morning, i'd start working on it now =)

ppps: i posted contrasting realities 29 incase you didnt notice :)

Contrasting Realities 29

2009-09-29T00:14:00.000+03:00

“Aloo, hala 7beeby...5air...gool wallah...a7madoo e7lef...a7madoo you're not just saying this...ya3ny she's better?”

She fell silent while holding the phone as tears rolled down her face.

“Haa?...ee ee kany...a7madoo I cant believe this...wallah el3atheem etha raddait oo I found out enk bs ga3tge9 3ly mara7 asam7k abadan...ee 7amood booked me a flight for tomorrow morning, I leave here at 6am inshallah...ok 7beeby 5alas ashoofk bacher 3ayal, deer balek 3aleha a7madoo...7beeby enta...m3asalama”

She hung up and put the phone down, and turned to me, with her tears still on her face. Then, out of the blue, she jumped over the bed and onto me, holding me in the tightest embrace one could think possible that I fell back on the bed owing to its force.

“A7ibch Hayooya a7ibch wallah el3atheem a7ibch!!” she spoke in between kisses all over my cheeks, while still holding me. “You're my good luck charm...you're my best luck charm”

“Ya ba3ad 3umry entay” I hugged her back tighter and kissed her back, “she's better now?”

“6la3at mn el3enaya elmurakaza oo the doctor says she's in a stable condition”

“El7amdella....7amdella 3la salamat'ha 7beebty”

“Allah ysalmch galby...allah ysalmch” she said hugging me tighter. Just when I thought I couldn't breathe anymore, she suddenly let go of me and stood up. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!! 5al a6amen 7amood...mskeen 7beeby ga3ya7ty wayed! Wa3alayah elyom he tolerated my mental breakdown oo ana enfajart eb wayha oo oho mala sheghl” she pouted.

“Yala 3ayal roo7ay 6amneeh”

“Mara7 tyeen?”

“Haa? Erm...la2 bansede7 shway ta3bana...I had a really long day” I said as I sat down on the bed.

She came and sat down next to me, studying my face for a few moments. I avoided eye contact, but then again, she didn't need rocket science to figure out something was wrong.

“Haya...what happened elyom?”

“Ma9ar shay...I just needed sometime alone fa meshait 3ankom shway”

She sighed loudly and laughed a little.

“You really dont know how see-through you are, do you?”

I blushed.

“Haya 7abeebty mn el2a5er, I know something happened with you and M7ammad and I know you wouldn't just leave like that unless that something was huge”

I stayed quiet.

“Haya look at me” she said, turning my face towards her, “ana bagoolich something that I've been keeping from you for a while now, bs I think now is the right time for you to know it”

I raised my eyebrow in confusion.

“Hayooya when you first came to the company, I came to know you oo we really hit it off. Even though I didn't know you very well, bs you struck me as a pure innocent soul with a beautiful heart...wa7da kil dinyat'ha mn elgalb..mat3arf ghesh wla hypocrisy nafs elnas hal ayyam...which is why I loved you...which is why I still love you”

I smiled.

“Tathkreen awal meeting 7atharteeh blshareka? Awal mara I talked to you”

“How can I forget it?”

“Tell me what do you remember about that meeting”

“Athker it was my first week blshareka...oo Dr. Nasser asked me to attend l2ana they were discussing a new proposal for a new theme for the company...ya7laila he was so enthusiastic about me joining the marketing team, he actually told me that I had to report back to him personally after the meeting and not the marketing team, and then he would personally take what I had to say into consideration and weigh it against what they had to say” I smiled back at the memory.

“Tathkreen bethabt shino 9ar youm elmeeting?”

“Yeah...athkr Dr. Nasser told me about the meeting after it started...oo I had to walk in into the room infront of all of you guys oo ma kint a3arf wla a7ad minkom back them, oo infront of the people from the two advertising companies responsible for the rebranding...ambaih shino kanat fashla” I smiled and hid my face in embarrassment.

“Tathkreen shino 9ar awal ma ba6alty elbab oo dashaity elghurfa?”

I cringed at the thought.

“Yeah”

“Shino 9ar Haya?”

“Nothing important really” I said, looking away.

She turned me to face her once more.

“Shino 9ar Haya?”

I sighed.

“Athker awal ma dashait, someone was heading to the light switch next to the door to switch the lights off since they were just about to start with the presentations. Athker I paused at the door for a second, as everyone in the room looked up, to take a look at the idiot who had enough guts to walk into the room half an hour after the meeting started,” I smiled as I remembered, “athker wahy 9ar a7maaaaar mn kithr ma kint metfashla, oo how everyone was just staring at me, waiting to see what my next move will be. Athker I stood there contemplating leaving, not only the meeting and the company, bs this whole country mn kithr elfashla. Athker ench asharteely to come to the only remaining seat next to you. Athker ena the only two people who werent looking at me were A7mad raylich oo M7ammad because they were too busy chatting amongst each other at madree shino...oo athker when they looked up...” and I fell silent again.

“Esh9ar Haya?” she squeezed my hand tighter.

“Athker how when they finally noticed that the room fell silent, they looked up. Athker how M7ammad took a sip of water as he was turning his head, and then how he choked on it when he saw me. I never felt so...so...so...repulsive in my life. Athker how A7mad had to hit him on his back to get him to breathe again, and how when he finally did, he took a look at me from head to toe, and then looked away disgustedly-”

“Disgustedly?” she inquired.

“Disgustedly” I repeated.

She smiled to herself. “Kamlay”

“G3adt yamich through the meeting oo I remember that you just had this motherly aura around you. You kept asking me if I was alright and if I needed anything unlike certain other people who never even bothered looking my way twice again hehe” I rolled my eyes with a smile on my lips, “Athker how you invited me to your office later that day, and you helped me with my notes and what to do. And I vividly remember that the conversation drifted into lots of things that had nothing to do with work in the process”

“We talked about you and 3abboud and your career in economics and your favorite movies hehe”

“Yeah” I said with a smile.

“Haya...et3arfeen ana ma3arf alf wadoor 9a7?”

I look at her with questioning eyes, “ee”

“Fa ana bagoolich what I have point blank and straight to the point oo entay try to absorb as much of it as you can, ok?”

I gulped and tried to clear my throat, “okay”

“Haya, that day lama M7ammad saw you in the meeting, he was so mesmerized by you and your presence that he chocked on his water. He wasnt laughing at you. If you were sitting next to him like A7mad was, you would've heard him gasp for air. You took his breath away, literally. Oo A7madoo feham exactly what had happened, thats why he hit him on his back to try and diffuse the situation l2ana he knew ena M7ammad kan mtane7 oo was gonna embarrass himself and you infront of everyone.”

I was staring at her with a jaw dropped and eyes wide open. She acknowledged my shock and continued talking.

“When the meeting was over, athker A7madoo oo 7amood yaw oo A7madoo gal sheftay hatha l7mar shlon bugha yafth7 nafsa elyom...oo ana lma the7akt, 7amood looked me dead in the eyes and said Layla...abeeha. When you came over to my office later, te3amadt as2lch 3n your love life oo chithy, oo lama geltelty 3n 3abboud and how happy you were with him, gelt 7ag 7amood wa5er 3anha she's taken. 6Ab3an ma 3ajba elkalam awal shay oo swalef laish they're not even official oo I deserve a chance just like him oo I'll treat her right too, A7madoo gala 7amood, leave the girl alone, its either us or her, oo you choose”

My jawline continued its descent.

“He picked us 6ab3an. He decided not to pursue you. Bldawam he kept things professional, bs still, he saw how nice you were around people and you kept getting to him simply by being who you are. The sweet, independent woman that always gives people the benefit of the doubt. It drove him crazy. He couldnt handle you being nice to him all the time. And thats when he decided he doesnt want you to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore”

She took a deep breath and continued.

“You see, 7amood was never a player. He fell in love mara, and she cheated on him. And it was only then that he started playing around, l2ana to him all women were the same. And he knew exactly how to keep it on the down low. Bs he wanted you to hate him, to despise him, to never even consider the possibility of being with him, and thats why he decided to play around with elbanat eli blshareka, and thats why you started hearing about him being a player and all. It was easier for him to be away from you when he knew you hated him”

She squeezed my hand tighter and then looked me straight in the eye.

“I know we had no right to tell him what to do, and that, in a way, that was us interfering in your life, but me and A7madoo know 7amood very well, and we knew he was a player. We thought you were just his new thing, and we didnt want him to ruin your relationship with 3abboud over one of his games. If we thought it would go somewhere, then it would've been okay, but we know 7amood too well. He just wants what he cant have. And he couldnt have you...thats why he wants you so bad.”

I took my palm out of hers and ran my fingers through my hair nervously, trying to absorb what's being said. Anything...a sentence...a word...a thought....but nothing went through. It felt like my brain had shut down.

“I'm sorry Haya, bs wallah, I just wanted whats best for you”

I snapped back to reality.

“Enzain la7tha...you said you told him to back off, but what the hell has he been doing for the past few days?”

She took a deep breath.

“Hayooya, ma la7ath'tay ena M7ammad has been acting strange since I got here?”

“ee...wayed...a9lan kil dgeega ebmood...i'm starting to think ena fee enfe9am sha59eya”

She smiled.

“Mn 9ijji Lilly!! Try to convince me ena his actions are normal or rational!!”

She winked at me “I wasnt gonna try babe”

“Seeeeeeee?”

“Hayooya gabl la tamshoon I warned M7ammad ena he behaves. Geltla wallah etha sm3at'ha teshteky mnk, mara7 y9er 5air kilish. Oo he was okay with it, until...” she stopped.

“Until shino Layla?” curiousity was killing me.

“Until you passed out. Until you both got stuck sharing the same suite. Athker he called me up quite a few times and he's like Layla many gader at7amal the situation, she's so close to me and yet so far away. He would tell me about every little thing you would do, from the way you looked at him when you were upset, to the way you looked when you were asleep. He was getting so attached to you. He even considered coming back here and cutting the trip short. When I pleaded him for Dr. Nasser's sake, he was still hesitant and wanted to come back, but when I told him that him leaving means you alone in this country, he couldnt do it. He couldnt leave you Haya. He was falling in love with you and I saw it with my own eyes when I got here. It wasnt just about him wanting you anymore. He was falling for you.”

I felt like the Japanese after they were hit with the Hiroshima bomb.

“When I came back, he was trying to behave as much as he could jeddamy. I saw him a few times oo zaffaita...until you told me about 3abboud. Lama gelteely ena you're both met'hawsheen, 7asaitich you're not happy, 7asait ena 7az eb5a6rch ena ma s2al 3anncih wla 7ata ye6aman 3laich...o that day kint ga3da asolef m3 M7ammad and he was talking to me about you and how he wished he had met you earlier, before 3abboud...and I just told him to go for it. I figured right now, he has a chance fair and square against him, o bema ena 3abboud ghala6, ymkn 7amood treats you better fahma?”

I suddenly felt a wave of rage run through my spine, yet I spoke as calm as can be.

“Lilly you know I love you, 9a7?”

“Ofcourse I do”

“But that gives you absolutely no right to run my life for me or make decisions on my behalf. I think I'm old enough to do that for myself ya3ny”

“Haya it wasnt like that, la tefhemeeny ghala6. I was-”

“Whatever it is that you were trying to do, this was the end result. And thats just not acceptable Layla”

She fell silent for a few moments.

“I'm sorry Haya”

It was amazing how one little word...how one little apology seemed to make it all go away. Even though the problem still remained and wasnt lessened by her apology in any form or way, I felt a load falling off my chest and I felt like I could...breathe.

I turned my head towards her with a smile. A smile loaded with confusion and choking emotions.
“Shasawy eb 3umry ana al7en?” I said with my eyes fixed on hers.

“T7ebena?”

“Madry” I said, looking away from her eyes at the our intertwined hands.

She took her hand and moved my chin towards her, allowing me to once again lock eyes with her.

“There's your answer” she said with a smile.

I was confused.

“How?”

“Ma se2alteny who I meant, which means you are considering possibility, which means you see some potential bl athwal eli bara"

“I'm not so sure thats a good thing you know”

“Wa3asa an takraho shay2an wahowa khayron lakom”

“Wane3ma bellah” I sighed.

“Haya” she looked at me sternly, “7amood is a good guy. Deep inside he is, wallah he is. He's just human, 7ala 7alna, makes mistakes. Ymkn his mistakes akbar wala a8wa wala wala wala...but that doesnt make him a bad person deep down. He's a great guy...he just needs to...you know...find that person to make him settle down. Kila agola ent eli bta5thk omha da3ya 3aleha oo yred 3ly...laa ana etha khathait wa7da wallah ya Lilly wallah omha da3yatlaha...and even though I laugh it off...I believe him Haya”

“Etha kan 7amood a great guy deep down, 3abboud is a great guy inside out Lilly”

“Adry 7abeebty, and thats your dilemma”

“I dont want to be cheating on him Lilly. He deserves better than him. And I dont wanna break his heart either”

“Tabeen raye?”

“Laa 9arly sena talking to you about it bs habal” I remarked sarcastically.

“Give them both a chance. Find out what kind of person 7amood is and whether he's serious or not while setting your limits, without betraying 3abboud's trust. You have a few more days here, so see how things go”

“I'm considering another guy Lilly, ay betraying his trust ay ba6ee5?!”

“Haya na9eebich is na9eebich...etha 7amood yours, he will be yours gha9ban 3anich entay oo 3abboud, oo etha 3abboud yours, then nothing 7amood will do can change that. Tra kil hatha maktob 3nd rabbich since you were 3 months old eb ba6n omich. You know ena whatever happens, whichever way things go, na9eebich byech, 9a7?”

“9a7”

one...two...three...

2009-08-22T02:57:00.005+03:00

ONE
awwal shay mbarak 3laikom elshahar oo kil3am wentaw bkhair...oo inshallah yen3ad 3laikom b2alf 9e7a oo salama ;**

TWO
you guys confused me with your results! al7en the results of the poll says ena u guys want short posts, bs the results of the comments say ena u want long posts! fa al7en im confused! lol!

so i decided ena i will only take into consideration the results of the comments since i can actually see people's points of view hny and what they have to say...

so again, i ask the same question...taboon short frequent posts wla long occasional posts?

please leave your answer in the comments box 3la this post or the previous one!

oh, and for the people who were wondering about my long & short posts...basically short is the last two posts...and long is everything else lol ;)

THREE
i know ena fe e7temal kbeer an6ag 3la what i'm about to say next, bs i might (keyword: might) be taking a break from blogging in rmthan. i just feel like i dont want to waste a single minute of this month and that i wanna dedicate all my time to God. again, i'm not sure whats gonna happen, bas i'm giving you a heads-up incase i disappear hehe

may your month be filled with forgiveness and peace ;**

choose wisely ;)

2009-08-19T04:44:00.004+03:00

bema ena ana t3abt weyakom...i've decided to let you guys choose what you want ;Pp

here's the deal:

i can either write one long post once a week
OR
several little post (like the past 2) every day or every other day or something

fa entaw think about it oo vote either here or on the poll on the right ;)
or leave a comment...kaifkom ;)

oo inshallah the next part will be after the poll closes next week, and according to what you guys want =)

Contrasting Realities 28

2009-08-18T02:11:00.000+03:00

I opened the door to be faced by an empty room, save for Layla’s suitcase sitting on top of her bed and a couple of shopping bags laying around it. I stepped into the room to look for Layla, only to realize that she was in the bathroom. Moments later, she stepped out.

To say that her face was achromatic would be an understatement.

When she saw me, her eyes instantly filled up with tears, just like mine.

“Haya” her voice broke as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

“My Lilly” I felt my own tears rolling down my face as I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her. She placed her head on my shoulders and I felt the warmth of her tears on it as I heard her gasp for air. I held her tighter and patted her hair and back.

“Shhhhh…bas galby bas bachy”

“Haya she’s in the hospital oo ana mo weyaha…what kind of daughter does that make me?”

“Lilly galby 3umry…there was no way you could’ve known this would happen”

“Ee bs that doesn’t matter! She’s there now oo ana hnee oo ehya broo7ha” she said in between sobs.

“Baby Lilly don’t blame yourself for this…hathy mashee2at rabbich”

“I should be there Haya I should be there” she gasped loudly, “eli eli….eli 7ata lma they called and told me and I figured I had to go back, I couldn’t go back empty handed and I went and bought her the things eli wa9atny 3laihom” and she broke down into my arms as she lost her balance. I supported her till I got her to lie down on the bed.

Placing her head on my thigh, I sat stroking her hair and calming her down for what seemed like an eternity. I only realized that she had fallen asleep when she had stopped sobbing, yet her gasps for air continued even as she lay asleep on my thigh. I looked at her, and it just...it just broke my heart to see her like this.

The worst feeling in the world is to watch someone you love in pain, and realizing that there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

My thoughts were interrupted by Layla's ringing phone. She immediately sprang up from the bed and, in a split second, was halfway across the room, picking it up from the nightstand. After taking a look at the name flashing across the screen, she took a deep breath, let it out and then answered.

Contrasting Realities 27

2009-08-17T02:24:00.005+03:00

I promised a post within a week, and sure enough i started writing, bs...erm...there was a slight complication...
-

ELPOST MO RATHY Y5ALE9!!!

im now on page 13, oo im nowhere near done lol!

oo elmshkela ena 9ar wayed, fa its become confusing when i wanna go back and alter or change something =\

fa i decided i'll start posting it in little parts instead of duf3a wa7da 3shan a6al3a mn my head cz i keep overthinking things when its unpublished!

VERY short adry...bs i promised a post within a week, and here it is =D

**********************************

I got into the elevator and went up to our suite. Before slipping my key-card into its slot, I tried to listen by the door and find out if anyone was in there, but I heard nothing. I cursed under my breath when the key-card gave me a red light, and swiped it a second time. I felt the handle give way and I pushed the door open, walking into the suite.

M7ammad was standing next to the sofa with a bewildered expression on his face and the remote control in his hand. His face was drained of color, and exhaustion filled his eyes.

Oh, how I missed those piercing baby blues…

There were a few minutes of awkward silence as we both stared at each other blankly.

The tension was growing. The longer I looked into his eyes, the more I felt uneasy, and the longer the silence lingered on, the bigger the lump in my throat grew.

Memories started coming back to me. Guilt started coming back to me. Tears started coming back to me. I decided to break the silence to stop myself from crying.

“Elsalam”

“W3ailakom elsalam walra7mah”

A loud thump came from the direction of my room. I turned my head to look at the closed door for a few moments before I turned back to him.

“Layla da5el?”

“Ee…” he paused hesitantly, “…umm…she’s packing”

“SHINO?!” I spoke, not realizing how loud my voice would come out.

“Umm…daggaw 3laiha mn lkuwait…galoolha her mother 6ay7a mareetha oo nayma blmustashfa”

I stared back at him, speechless and expressionless.

Another loud thump came back from my room, snapping me back to reality. I turned and started walking towards the room.

“Haya?” he called out my name as I walked away.

I turned around to look at him and was faced by a dubious M7ammad.

“Erm…listen…erm…you know…about ummm….you know,” he paused, “erm…earlier –“, he spoke while fidgeting with his fingers, not once making eye contact with me.

“M7ammad,” I interrupted him as he looked up at me questioningly, “mo wagta al7en hal7achy” and I left him standing in the middle of the room as I walked away from him.

oops?

2009-08-10T00:28:00.001+03:00

adry adry 6awalt eb ghaba2 lai darajat enha m9a5at oo if i were you chan ma a36eeny wayh kilish =/

bs wallah i had my reasons =(

this hopefully means im back, oo im gonna start writing again soon, fa expect a new post within a week inshallah

did i mention i was very very sorry? =(
sam7oony! =(

Contrasting Realities 26

2009-06-29T17:23:00.001+03:00

For some reason, this post proved itself very very very challenging to write.

I have no idea laish, bs I've been trying to write it for more than a week now...oo I have 9 different versions of it...kil mara i write it up all from scratch oo a5er shay ma ya3jebny. I dont know if its because I havent written for so long, or because I'm lacking inspiration given I've just finished my exams or what...

Fa a5er shay I decided to publish the very first draft I wrote 3la bo ena it was the closest to the heart oo it was the easiet to write, l2ana i seriously need to get this part out of my system cz its driving me crazy and making me hate the story cz I'm stuck on it and I've been writing it for so long eli BAAAAAAAAS!!

soooo,

I shall be sitting here crossing my fingers and hoping that you guys will like it =)

Tadroon ena I've missed you guys terribly, 9a7? ;**

ps: wain Gutter Flower? Eli y3aref 3anha shay, please 5ay6ameny ena she's alright...I'm worried sick about her =\

.
**********************************

It was now my turn to sigh deeply, and turn to him with a smile.

“Do you have a few hours to spare?”

“Does it look like I have anything better to do?”

I looked at the books lying on the floor.

“Is that a trick question?” I asked sarcastically, while raising an eyebrow.

He laughed.

“I have ALOT of hours to spare, trust me” he said, flashing me another one of his warm smiles.

“Enzain” I paused, “I must tell you though, I’ve never really talked to anyone about how I feel or anything, so I’m not exactly sure how that goes and I'm pretty sure ena with my feelings all over the place I'm gonna end up sounding like a messed up psycho to you…bs somehow, it feels alright pouring my heart out to you for some reason.”

“Stop copying me and start speaking” he said, giving me a wink.

“Enzain”

I fell silent again.

“Where do I start?”

“From the beginning dear”

“mmm…”

I contemplated my own thoughts…where is the beginning?

“Allah ysamlk, I’ve been with this guy for a couple of months now. He’s a family friend oo I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s a very decent guy, a true gentleman ya3ny. Oo he loves me more than the world oo eli feeha”

“5osh”

“I always thought I loved him. Even though I’ve never had that rush when I’m around him, oo maybe even at one point thought of him as a brother and nothing more, I always thought ena maybe these things come after marriage or whatever. Madree ya3ny. Bs the thing is, he’s perfect…mo nag9a shay l9bay. He’s mo7taram oo my parents love him oo his parents love me…oo like I said he’s crazy about me, ya3ny shayelny mn 3al arth shail…fa I’ve always convinced myself ena this is as perfect as things ever get…after all what more can I ask for? A9lan maly 3ain I ask for anything more, fahemny?”

“Yea”

As I started organizing my thoughts into the next part of my tale, I sighed deeply. This was it. This was the confession. When these words come out of my mouth, I will no longer be able to deny anything I’ve been feeling, or anything I’ve been witnessing…

Or anything I’ve been hiding…mostly from myself.

“Kamlay” he said, interrupting my thoughts.

I sighed one more time.

“Allah ysalmk, there was this guy at work. No3a eli bad boy 3araft. Sum3eta mo shay kilish oo ma3roof 3anna he’s a player. He’s hot stuff, don’t get me wrong, bs eli he’s not used to not getting his own way, you know?”

He nodded.

“Ana lma re7t dawamy, I was already with hathak the other guy, bs somehow this guy from work, he always kinda pulled me in. I was always drawn to him somehow. Bs because of his attitude and because of what I’ve heard about him, I’ve always kept my distance from him, even though he was nothing but a perfect gentleman with me oo 3umra ma he showed ena he was interested in me or anything, bs I always figured better safe than sorry, you know?”

“Yea I know what you mean”

“7elo. Fa this guy came with me to London on this business trip. Shit kinda happened, fa we’ve been living together for the past few days, sharing a hotel suite. Fa I’ve been interacting with him in these two days more than I’ve interacted with him in my entire career in my company, l2ana like I’ve said, I’ve always been keeping my distance from him bl dawam”

“Okay”

“Fa I’ve been seeing all these new sides of him that I never really saw before. The fact that he really is a gentleman oo not a complete asshole like I always thought he was. The fact that we get along very well. The fact that I enjoy his company…and most importantly, the fact that he’s…drawn to me”

I paused for a moment.

“I’ve been feeling all sorts of mixed up feelings...and even convinced myself that I was in denial and that I was seeing things that weren’t there until today…a few minutes, possibly even hours before I met you”

“Esh9ar?”

I smiled, thinking back of how passionately M7ammad was kissing me.

“He kinda kissed me…and so effectively, removing any doubts and denials that were piling up in my head that I was overanalyzing things. Basically, now I’m sure he has a thing for me”

Just as he was about to speak, I spoke before him. Excitedly.

Because it only hit me when I said it out loud.

“But the thing is…he made me realize that I was missing out on that rush I was telling you about. That you’re heart is supposed to beat faster. That you are supposed to feel nervous. That butterflies in your tummy are a good thing. He made me realize that I have feelings for him…and most importantly, he made me realize that I don’t have those same feelings for the guy back home, fahemny?”

“I think so”

“And honestly, the realization of all this is just throwing me all over the place. I don’t know how to react to the way I’m feeling, and most importantly, I don’t know what to do with this realization. Egoloon ignorance is bliss, mo?”

“Yeah hehe”

“Oo bas…salamtk”

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

“Feedback would be nice, you know”

“I’m thinking…it’s a tough situation”

“You don’t have to tell me about it”

I looked at him for a few minutes as he sat there, apparently thinking about my situation.

“You know its bad when even a stranger who doesn’t know shisalfa is confused” I teased.

Another laugh.

“I love how you’re taking this so light-heartedly wallah”

“Light-heartedly? I would’ve forgiven that for anyone who hasn’t seen me a couple of hours ago...bs you?” I teased again.

“Shofay Haya. As far as I can see, you’re attracted to this London guy, but entay bs t3ezeen the guy back home. Ymkn you didn’t get that rush with the Kuwait guy l2ana you knew him all your life oo like you said, he went through your family and what not, fa ma kan fee majal e9eer sparks per se. Oo ymkn the only reason that you’re liking the London guy is that he’s offering you exactly what was missing from your relationship with the Kuwait guy, fahmatny?”

“I think so”

“Fa essentially what that means is that wala wa7ed menhom ferag 3an elthany…l2ana al7en YOU’RE confused about your own feeling. 9ij ena the first guy is all decent and what not, bs are you willing to accept that if there are no sparks? Oo ymkn the second guy is sparks all over the place, are you willing to accept the fact that he isn’t offering you any commitments? Bs then again ared wagoolich, ymkn there will eventually be sparks with the first guy, and ymkn the second guy will straighten up once he commits oo ymkn he’d be willing to commit for you, fahmatny?”

“Let’s pretend I am”

He laughed.

“My point is, you need to confront the second guy and have a serious talk with him…oo ymkn mn 7esn 7athich ena the two of you are here bro7kom stuck in the same suite all the time so something like this would be easier to approach than if you were back in Kuwait. Oo nafs ma geltlch gabl, just because something seems so right doesn’t necessarily mean it is. Oo just because you have ‘feelings’ for someone doesn’t infact mean…anything really…you can learn to ‘love’ someone and grow attached to them. Atleast that’s what I think anyway”

I smiled.

“It’s a dilemma alright, but its nothing you cant get through. Talk to the London guy. See what he’s all about. Give him a chance to explain himself. At the same time, keep in mind that you have Kuwait guy back home. My mom always used to tell me ‘5eth eli t7ebk oo la ta5eth eli t7ebha’. And, as far as I can see, the theory is holding very true in your case”

“The thing is, I want the sparks. They feel amazing. I love that feeling eli I’m clicking with someone. I love that I look forward to seeing him, and that I think about him when he’s not there. But at the same time, everytime I think of the guy back home, a7es nafsy selfish. Ya3ny what more can I ask for? Its not fair ya3ny…he’s given me his all and this is how I pay him back?”

“Like I said, just because something seems so right doesn’t mean it necessarily is. For either men. Ya3ny mo ma3nata ena he’s wayed 5osh wa7ed ena he’s the one, oo mo ma3nata ena he has sparks ena he’s the one either…fa since you know the first one, explore the second one. See what kind of person he is…oo hatha shay ma ra7 t3arfeena unless you sit-“

“-him down and talk to him” I finished his sentence.

He smiled again.

“I hate confrontations by the way”

“No one said its gonna be easy, bs even you, with all your denial, know it’s the only way out, 9a7? You’re already very confused about how you feel. A9lan ana '3a9eb ga3afham 3laich hehe”

Fahad and I talked for a few more hours till the clock struck 9pm. It surprised me that my phone had no missed calls or text messages from neither M7ammad or Layla. I wondered if they were thinking I was good riddance done.

Fahad insisted he drops me to the hotel, which he said wasn’t too far away from his place. We walked side by side, with my wet clothes in a plastic bag, until we got to the hotel.

“Atleast let me fix you some coffee”

“Its okay wallah…I just wanted to make sure you’ll be okay”

“Fahad may9eer! Ya3ny after everything you’ve done for me today, it’s the least I can do”

“Haya…9adgeeny I didn’t do any of it for the coffee wallah”

He gave me a warm genuine smile, and I smiled back at him.

“Thank you Fahad. For everything. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for all this”

“No Haya. Thank you for letting me enjoy the pleasure of your company”

He took a card out of his wallet and gave it to me.

“This is my business card. It has all my contact information over here and back in Kuwait. If you ever need anything, it would be more than an honor to help”

I reached into my purse to give him mine.

“Oo hatha maly” I said handing it to him. He didn’t take it though.

“Look. I don’t want you to feel pressured into this. Ya3ny ana lail7een I don’t even know your last name. oo I don’t wanna know it ya3ny it makes no difference to me. Fa if you wanna keep things like that, I’ll understand”

I placed the card in his hand while he was still speaking.

“The pleasure is mine Fahad”

He flashed me one last warm smile. A smile that made me feel the warmth radiating from him. Not in a way where he was expecting something back from me. Not in a way where he was waiting for a reward.

But in a way where he was truely happy to help a fellow human.

“T9b7een 3la 5air Haya”

“Wenta mn ahala”

Contrasting Realities 25

2009-05-23T00:38:00.002+03:00

this is the fastest post i ever wrote for Contrasting Realities

i wrote it in like 3 hours only!

its not revised, its not edited, and maybe its not what you're used to...

bs its a post mn elgalb...lai darajat ena ymkn it was supposed to be on spill mo hnee ;)

i hope you like it ;**

ps: tra i have exams! very hectic! bs mn ams oo ana feeny inspiration oo weddy i write, bs kint bamoot mn elta3ab ams ;)

pps: i hate having to post knowing that love ;** mo hnee, bs this is all for the sake of Gutter Flower 3shan la t9eer mutilated more than she already is ;Pp

**********************************

I opened my eyes slowly, only to be faced with blackness.

Pitch blackness.

As my brain started switching on, I realized that I had absolutely no recollection of where I was, and what time it was. I didn’t even know what day it was.

I turned onto my other side, only to be faced by a flickering light from the window overlooking the street, and a digital clock. The bold red digits read 8:47pm amidst all the blackness.

The first thing that hit me was that I had never seen this clock before in my life. For a few minutes, I struggled to remember where I was.

But soon enough, it all came back to me.

M7ammad…and…and…Fahad?

Did any of that happen, or was he a figment of my imagination?

There was only one way to find out.

I reached out to pull down the cover and reach for my shirt, only to realize that I wasn’t underneath any covers. I looked at my shirt, but I could see nothing from the darkness.

I ran my hand across my chest, feeling my shirt.

Surely enough, I could trace the outlines of the letters G, A and P on it.

So it was all true.
I fell asleep in his bed.

The realization made me spring up from the bed. My eyes were now adjusted to the blackness, and I could see the outlines of the objects in the room; the cupboard, the chair, the door, and the lights. I reached over to switch on the lights, and saw my reflection in the mirror infront of me, standing in the middle of Fahad’s room, just as I remembered it before I fell asleep.

I fixed whatever was fixable in my now half-dry hair, and headed towards the door, with only one question in my head: how long was I asleep?

I opened the door to find Fahad lying on the sofa, with his head up against its arm. He had a book plastered to his face in one of his hands and the other playing with his hair. Upon hearing the squeaking door, though, he put his book aside and looked at me. A beautiful smile made its way across his lips.

“Noum el3awafy”

“Allah y3afeek” I said rubbing my eyes together, “Ambaih, ana shkether nemt?”

“Long enough for your coffee to go cold” he said with a wink.

“Oh…sorry about that” I said, cracking my knuckles uneasily.

“Please tell me you’re not apologizing for a cup of coffee”

“I’m not?” I said sarcastically.

He laughed.

“Gi3day gi3day allah yhadach…let me fix you something to drink. Do you like green tea?”

“Wayed”

“I guess that makes two of us then! I’ll go make us some”

“Fahad, its okay, listen you really don’t have to–“

“Haya, Haya, Haya” he interrupted.

“What?”

“Watch some TV till I come back” he said, flashing me another smile.

“Okay” I said, smiling back gratefully.

He disappeared into his little kitchen while I entertained myself with some of his books that were lying around. From the size of some of those books, I wondered if anyone was physically capable of reading them, or if they were simply there as references only.

I flipped through some of the books, until a particular one caught my attention. It had cartoons on the front cover and was titled Clinical Cardiology Made Ridiculously Simple.

Intruiged by the title, I picked up the book and flipped through its pages. The only things that made sense to me were some cute cartoons here and there. Apart from those, though, the only thing the book made me feel was ridiculously stupid. I made a mental note to add the author to my list of people to sue.

“It’s my favorite too” Fahad said, entering the room with a tray holding two white mugs.

“I wish I could agree” I said putting the book down. “So, you’re a cardiologist?”

“Trying to be one is more like it”

“Shkether bugalk?”

“I’m not counting hehe…its my first year a9lan”

“Oh…good luck with that 3ayal”

“Thanks! Much needed wallah!” he said. “Sugar?”

“Two please”

He handed me my cup, and then moved to his own.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot”

“Why cardiology?”

He looked away from my eyes towards the window, and let out a sigh. Then, he looked back to me and gave me a smile.

“It’s a long story…you got a few hours to kill?”

“Only if you’re comfortable sharing it with me”

“Agoolich shay bs promise me you wont freak out or anything?”

“Sure”

“Awwal mara eb 7ayaty a7es eni merta7 7g a7ad chithee…ya3ny I know I don’t even know you or anything like that, bs wallah 7ata when you were asleep all the way in the other room, I just felt…” he trailed off, ”…merta7…madree, just…merta7”

I looked at him silently, not knowing what to say.

“Wallah ya Haya mo 8a9dy shay, please la tfhmeeny ‘3ala6 bs wallah a7es chenna my little sister is with me or something…madree…its hard to describe. Maybe its cz I’ve been living alone for so long that it feels nice to have another human being around for a change” he smiled.

“Ymkn” I smiled back.

“So allah ysalmch, bs la7tha….you cant laugh at how cheesy this will sound, ok?”

I laughed loudly.

“Okay”

“Ee okay…so allah ysalmch, when I was back in med school…I had a girlfriend, eli I was totally head over heels in love with her. My first ya3ny. The first girl I ever fell in love with, the first girl I ever proposed to, the first girl eli I actually saw her as om 3yali, you know?” he said, and his smile grew on his lips with every word he spoke.

“Ee fhamt 3laik”

“Fa allah ysalmch, everytime I was with her, kint killa a7e6 my head 3la her chest and just listen to her heart beating. It always fascinated me. Even though we were together for years, I never seemed to get sick of it. I could listen to it for hours” He let out a little laugh to himself, “A9lan, lma ma kint agdar anam, kint I go to her place oo sit next to her on the sofa oo I put my head on her chest. I used to sleep like a baby on those nights” he said, now looking past me and smiling.

“That’s nice” I said, with a smile making its way to my lips.

“That was nice” he said.

I looked at him with questioning eyes, but he remained silent.

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing. We broke up” he said, and fell quiet again.

“Okay”

There were a few moments of silence as he sat there staring at me, yet I knew that look fully well. I could’ve been a clown that very instant and he wouldn’t have noticed the difference. I was just the figure infront of him as he was lost in his own little world.

“She had commitment issues. I loved her to pieces bs she didn’t wanna get married. She said she couldn’t see herself married. Ever” he said. “She said she wanted things like this, to stay the way they were…with no strings attached 3la golat’ha” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.

“I’m sorry to hear that”

His face lit up again.

“Oh no! Please don’t be. I couldn’t be with someone whom I had no future with. I just couldn’t do it. bs I’m glad I got out of it when I did. You know why?”

“Why?”

“L2ana when we broke up, I realized ena there is no such thing as love. I realized eni bs kint met3aleg feeha wayed. I realized ena what people keep talking about ena love this and love that, its simply a disease of missing someone too much. Its withdrawal symptoms of having grown too close to someone, and then not having them around anymore. Like when you’d get really close to your best friend and then lose them, or even your brother who travels abroad to study, or your favorite cousin who gets married or anything else that you’d get really attached to. Even your dog that dies one day. Nafs el e7sas. I call it 'Mukank Mbayen' syndrome.” He said with a sarcastic smile.

“T7iseen 9ij doctor, mo?” he said while rolling his eyes.

“7addik” I grinned.

He laughed loudly.

“Bs that’s not the point Haya. The point is, I realized that fairytales are just that...fairytales”

I looked deep into his eyes.

“Oo tadreen how I know that Haya?”

“How?”

“Lma raddait lkuwait I worked for a year before I came here, I worked with this girl. She was very nice oo wayed 3jebatny. Oo she was very open-minded, eli loo gayelha swalef 7ebny wa7ebk oo boyfriend oo girlfriend, kan 3ady 3ndha. Bs I didn’t. Dashait mn elbab oo talked to her parents. Bs 9adaf ena I was leaving then, oo it was too early to do something official, fa ma melachna or anything like that. Bs al7en we talk, oo I feel the exact same way as I did with my ex, even though I never really fell in love with her the same way, per se. 7ata lma a7acheeha al7en, ma net7echa swalef 7ub oo ‘3aram oo madree shino, bs ena nsolef about things in general ya3ny. Bs I’m just as attached to her, I cant imagine my life without her, and I know that if anything ever goes wrong with her, I’ll go through exactly what I went through with my ex, even though, like I said, I don’t love her, per se”

He looked at me.

“Do I make sense?”

“To a certain extent, yes”

“What I’m trying to say is, just because it feels right doesn’t mean it necessarily is. Oo just because things are great doesn’t mean they will necessarily remain. Oo just because you miss someone so much doesn’t mean you were in ’love’. Oo just because bad things happen doesn’t mean you have to forget them. Bl3aks, the only thing it means is that you have to learn from them. I mean, look at me, I’m basing my whole career 3la a mistake” he laughed to himself once more, “Bas its okay, because it’s a mistake that taught me all this fahma 8a9dy?”

I nodded.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, not all mistakes are bad. Sometimes you need to be shattered into pieces so you can realize how much potential there is in you when you glue it all together. After all, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, 9a7?”

“Yea I guess”

“Sorry 9ada3tich eb swalfy oo mashakly. I don’t even know why all this came out wallah. Bs wallah erta7tlich ya Haya. There’s something about you…about your face…mashallah wayed muree7 wayed greeb 3al galb”

I blushed.

“Laa mako shay. You probably will never know how much you’ve helped me with what you said. I mean, its like you knew exactly what I was going through and what I needed to hear”

“Yea it was kinda written all over your face that I hit a nerve” he winked.

“It was?” I asked, surprised.

“Yea. Wayhich wayed mu3abir...may5esh shay hehe”

I blushed again.

“So tell me Haya, since it hasn’t killed you, what’s making you stronger?”

Contrasting Realities 24

2009-05-05T22:53:00.002+03:00

This post is not only dedicated to Gutter Flower; it was written for her altogether.
-

I kept my end of the deal...now its time to keep yours ;Pp
-

For the sake of the exams and presentations I have, and for the sake of this extra extra extra long post i managed to juggle in between them ;)
-

yala i'm waiting for my twin to come back ;Pp
-

oo btw, dont expect me again for a couple of weeks =(

me got wayed exams =(

**********************************

I stormed out of the store into the pouring rain and stopped midway.

What was I doing?
Where was I going?

And most importantly, who was I going to, knowing fully well that the only two people I knew in this country were in that store?

As I stood there, contemplating what to do, electricity made its way throughout my body as images of me and M7ammad kissing played in my head. And I say of me and him kissing, because I know that not pushing him away made me as guilty as it made him.

What have I done?

Betrayed 3abboud? Betrayed the only gentleman I have ever met in my life? Betrayed the one guy who never gave up on me? Betrayed the one person whose life I mean everything to?

No…

I betrayed myself.

The realization killed me. I found myself running through the middle of the street in the pouring rain across the very few people on it. Tears were streaming down my face and thoughts were emerging into my head at the rate of 1000 thoughts per second.

What have I done?

I couldn’t think. My head felt heavy owing to all the thoughts in them. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t stop thinking either.

What have I done?

I ran and I ran and I ran till I could run no more. I only slowed down when I started getting short of breath and when I felt like I could run no more. As my steps slowed down, I felt all the pain from running with high heels shooting across my toes, my heels, my knees and my spine.

As the pain intensified, I slowly felt myself losing my balance. Trying to restore it though, I broke my heel and fell on my leg. I let out muffled scream as I felt the sharp pain of my ankle twisting underneath me.

“5araaaa! Ektemal elyom bs 5alas kil shay ektemal!” I screamed at myself loudly as I held on to my throbbing ankle, with tears still flowing down my face.

“Shely ektemal?” came a Kuwaiti accent from the man who was now on his knees from behind me.

I turned my face to look at him. He was holding an umbrella above my head and looking at me intently, with a concerned look in his dark brown eyes. He wasn’t handsome, but he had a certain charm to him. Even though his cleanly shaven face carried a stern and serious look, there was something about it that screamed out generosity and kindness.

“Laa bas mako” I tried getting up, but winced as pain shot up from my ankle.

“Kuwaity female lying on the ground on the streets of London, with bloodshot eyes, smudged makeup and tears rolling down her face heavier than this rainfall oo etgoleenly mako?”

Listening to him telling me how pathetic I looked managed to make me sob, and not just cry. I was now gasping for air as loud tears escaped my eyes.

“Shhhhhhh…” he said as he put his arms around me in a warm embrace, “bs bs 5alas kil shay lah 7al ehdy bs”

Even though I felt safe in his arms, I somehow managed to cry harder. Every tear I shed was filled with guilt and confusion, but most of all, a sense of utter loneliness and fear of what was to come next.

“Basss shhhhhhh ehdy baba…all these tears aren’t gonna solve anything…mako shay yeswa kil haldmoo3”

I don’t know how long I sat there crying in this stranger’s arms as we both sat on the street under the rain, but eventually, my tears stopped falling and my chest stopped heaving. When my breathing became more regular, I finally pulled away from him. He wiped the remaining tears off my face.

“So, do you make a habit of twisting your ankle on rainy days?”

I laughed weakly.

“I didn’t think you could smile after all that crying”

“I try not to make a habit out of it”

“Good…cz if you do, then more people like me would be catching a cold from sitting under the rain”

“Sorry”

“Hey! I’m not complaining! How many times do you see someone you can actually relate to in distress and can offer a hand to? Though I must say, you don’t look very Kuwaity…loo mo sam3ch ga3da tet7al6amain bl3araby chan ma darait”

“I’ll try to do that more often to provide entertainment”

Awkward silence.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, ma 3araftich 3la nafsy. Ana Fahad.” He extended his hand for me to shake.

“Haya…nice to meet you and cry in your arms” I said as I shook his hand and gave him a wide smile.

“Laa oo you crack jokes when you’re upset ba3ad? Zain ya Haya…shrayech ngoom mn kil halmu6ar?”

“My ankle…”

“mmm…zain tra this is my place…” he pointed to the building I was sitting infront of, “oo I’m a doctor, fa I have all sorts of medical supplies up there…shrayech t6l3een weyay I do something about your ankle oo I fix you something warm to drink?”

Should I even be contemplating going to this complete random stranger’s place?

As if reading my thoughts, he continued “Tra you can take my word for me not being a serial killer or a rapist I promise”. He raised his pinky.

I laughed loudly.

“I’ll take that as a yes” he said grinning. He got up and his figure came into view. He was tall and had broad shoulders, but was carrying a few extra pounds. I tried holding on to him as he held out his hands for me and shifting my weight to my good leg, but stumbled and nearly fell again had he not held me.

“mmm…I guess I’m just going to have to carry you. You’re not to heavy, are you?”

I shot him a look, and was just about to open my mouth when he saved himself.

“Yuba ga3at’3ashmar ga3at’3ashmar! La yen3efes wayhech chithee…I thought you were all for making jokes and what not”

I smiled again as I put my arms around his neck and he carried me into his building and its elevator.

“So do YOU make a habit of helping girls who break their heels under the rain?”

“Naaa…only the ones who fall right infront of my eyes as I step out of my building”

“Oh! I hope eny mo m2a5retek 3la shay”

“La don’t worry…I was just going for a walk”

“In the rain?” I said as he stepped out of the elevator and reached his flat.

“Shfeech entay? I love the rain!”

“Great minds think alike”

“Zain look, ana ma ra7 agdar aba6el elbab while carrying you…shrayech you reach into elpocket mal my jacket and get the key 3shan you open it?”

I did as I was told. He pushed the door open with his leg and we stepped into a small cozy flat, with books everywhere…on the floor, on the sofa, on the dining table…everywhere.

“Excuse the mess…my exams are coming up soon”

“Excused wallah allah y3eenk…enta doctor wla student?”

“Doctor…I’m doing post-grad” he lay me down on the sofa.

“I see…allah y3eenk”

He kneeled on the floor infront of me and gently took off my shoe. Then, he started looking at my foot from different angles.

“mmm…”

“Shino mmm? Like good mmm wla bad mmm?”

“Like mmm…” he said, looking at me sternly.

I started to worry, but stayed silent nonetheless.

“Do you realize you’re pulling the cutest puppy face right now?”

I blushed.

“Sorry tara I don’t want you to get the wrong impression, ma kan 8a9dy shay wallah…bs you should see your face”

I smiled silently.

“So back to what we were saying…” he changed the subject, “…I don’t think its anything serious; I mean, its not swollen or anything. Probably just a bruise from the fall and nothing more”

“That’s good news, 9a7?”

“Yup”

“Bs it still hurts like hell though…oo I cant walk 3aleha kilish”

“I’ll tell you what…I’ll wrap it up for you oo a7e6lch 3aleh painkiller ointment. That should kill the pain for a few hours till it goes away. Shrayech?”

“You’re the doctor” I winked.

He got up and walked to a cabinet near the kitchen. After fidgeting with some ointments, inhalers and pills, he finally took out a long bandage roll and a metal clips, and a white tube of ointment.

He came back to me and sat cross legged on the floor. Then, he gently took my leg into his hands. He then squeezed some ointment out of the tube onto my leg and gently started massaging it along my foot. I flinched a little as I felt the pressure of his fingers against my foot.

“May5alef its gonna hurt shwaya, only for a minute till the medication kicks in. then, you wont feel a thing”

And he was right. The next thing I knew was that the pain had disappeared completely and all I could feel was his soft palms against my ankle.

“Better?” he said when he was done.

“Oh you have no idea”

“I’ll just wrap it up for you ba3ad 3shan yray7ch m3 elpressure”

He gently, yet firmly, wrapped my ankle. When he was done, he asked me to get up and stand. When I did, I felt absolutely no pain at all.

“This is great! Its all gone! Chenna ma 9ar shay!” I said, looking down at him as he sat cross-legged on the floor.

“Its gonna be like that for the next few hours too” he smiled, and then got up on his feet. “Now that we have that fixed comes the most important part, you’re soaked. Lazem etbadleen l2ana by7ooshich cold etha you stay like this. Fa I’ll just go get you a change of clothes 3shan your clothes dry up while I fix you something to drink. Deal?”

I hesitated. It wasn’t like me to accept offers like this.

But then again, its not like I’ve ever been in this situation before.

“Fair enough”

“Make yourself at home 3ayal” he called out as he walked into his room.

I smiled as I looked around me. On the sofa next to me lay a few books. On the coffee table were two stethoscopes. Papers and notebooks were everywhere.

He came back with an oversized GAP sweatshirt and sweatpants.

“These are the only things I own that are clean and will fit you. Sorry.”

“They’re fine. Wallah I really appreciate it. You’re too kind.” I said, giving him a grateful smile.

“Yala roo7ay badlay…3ndch the room or the bathroom inside it if you wanna take a shower or something...eli yray7ch. Oo when you’re done, just give me your clothes a7e6hom bl dryer”

“Thanks”

“Don’t mention it, shda3wa? Bs tell me…shino teshrbeen?”

I looked outside the window and saw that it still wasnt sunset.

“A cup of coffee would be great”

“Then coffee it is. Egoloonly no one can fix a cup of coffee like me, so maybe you can tell me if its all mujamalat.”

“I guess”

“Yala off you go. Take your time, don’t rush, tra ma waray shay. Oo lma t5al9een ta3aly”

I walked into his room and slowly stepped inside. It was obvious he tried to clear it up in the few minutes he was inside earlier for my sake. Even though I wasn’t looking, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

And what I saw scared me…

My hair was twirled into tangles and greasy knots all around my face. My eyeliner and mascara were practically everywhere on my face except my eyes.

And the lipstick…

The red lipstick that was all over my mouth and chin and cheek.

Seeing it there brought it all back.

I felt my eyes filling up with tears again as I started remembering what I had been successfully shoving at the back of my head since I met Fahad.

I suddenly felt cold and started shivering. I realized that my clothes were practically dripping with all the rain they had soaked up. For the first time today, I felt like I wasn’t emotionally numb.

I opted to take a shower and try to make myself look less zombie-like. I kept my mind off things during my shower by looking at Fahad’s shampoos and shower gels and smelling them at times, and by trying to keep the water away from my bandaged leg at others.

When I stepped out of the shower, I was a bit light-headed. Even though I knew it was because of the extra-hot shower I took, I knew that wasn’t the only reason. I felt exhausted. I felt weak. I felt drained.

I decided to sit down on the bed for a few minutes till the dizziness subsided, in fear of falling down and breaking my leg for real this time.

The next thing I knew was me in a deep, dreamless slumber on this stranger’s bed.

Contrasting Realities 23

2009-04-25T19:51:00.003+03:00

ehda2 5a9 7ag Gutter Flower:

no, there was no fly on her face ;Pp

**********************************

It wasn’t fair.

I never saw it coming.

I was caught off-guard.

It was unexpected and unannounced.

And uncalled for, for that matter.

In less than a split second, and in one swift move, M7ammad’s hand slid behind my neck and he closed the distance between his face and mine, not giving me a chance to react.

His lips locked with mine. It didn’t start off gently like I always presumed kisses would. He was practically devouring my lips. Like he’d been hungry for them. Like he’d been waiting for them for a long time. Like he’d been holding back for too long, and is now, finally free.

I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know when to react. I was, yet again, frozen.

And though I never kissed him back, I never pushed him away either. I just closed my eyes and felt every senseation coming to my brain from my lips.

It started off powerful and intense, to the point where he was actually pushing my face closer to his with his hand from behind my neck. He bit on my lips and sucked on them, but never once dared tried parting my mouth or using his tongue.

Eventually though, it got softer and more passionate; less lusty perhaps. He kiss became softer and softer, and I felt the pressure of his lips on mine becoming lighter and lighter till I could only feel them on my lower lips. Then I felt the smoothest tug on my lower lips, and then…

And then they were gone.

I couldn’t open my eyes instantly. It took me a while to react. Even though I could no longer feel his lips on mine, I felt his heavy breath on them.

His face was obviously still close to mine.

And they did nothing but accentuate all the sensations that were still being transmitted from my lips. I consciously knew that his lips were no longer in contact with mine, but somehow, it didn’t sink in. I could feel electricity zooming through my body, entering every cell in it as it traveled, as if to make an announcement to each and every one of them about what had happened.

Haya Al-Flani has been kissed.

Her first kiss.

In the middle of a department store.

Not by 3bdallah, as she’d always imagined.

By someone whom she doesn’t even like.

Or does she?

How long did it last? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?

I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d told me days. But I had lost complete track of time. And space. And….person?

Infact, I only realized that I’m losing my balance when I felt M7ammad’s hand behind my neck grip me tighter and his other one support my arm.

I finally opened my eyes.

The first thing I noticed was the red lipstick all over his lips…all over his mouth…all over his chin. Looking up I saw the dazed expression on his face, like someone just told him he was flying to the moon tomorrow. I could even see something more there. Shock? Disbelief? Guilt? Pleasure?

Then it clicked.

It was guilty pleasure.

Then I looked up. And our eyes locked.

Neither of us spoke. Neither of us could utter a word.

But somehow our eyes did all the speaking.

Looking into his deep blues now, I don’t know how I missed what I was seeing now before. I suddenly saw all the yearning, all the longing, all the holding back, all the regret, all the fake attitude, all the jealousy, all the anger, all the guilt, all the sorrow, all the lust, all the waiting, all the hoping, all the dreaming…

All the things he’d been keeping inside him for so long.

As I read it now, I realized it had always been there, but I never saw it. It was like I suddenly learnt the language of the words spoken by his eyes that I couldn’t decipher before.

It all made sense to me now.

I knew my eyes were speaking back to him, but I didn’t know the stories they were telling. And even though I had no control over what was being said, I could feel my soul pouring out.

I felt my eyes swell up and I felt the tears form inside them. The more I read into his eyes, the more I felt that my soul was being ripped apart. I didn’t know why, but I just felt worse and worse.

With my eyes still locked with his, tears started falling from them.

“Haya…” I could barely hear his voice. It was filled with so many chocking emotions.

He started reaching for my face “Haya I’m sorry…I don’t -”

The moment his fingers touched my face was the moment that it all sank in. I couldn’t stand there anymore. My emotions were taking over me. I was breaking down.

I just ran out of the store.

Contrasting Realities 22

2009-04-13T20:27:00.002+03:00

There’s just something about London that always gets to me. I’ve traveled to places around every nook and corner, but I never managed to find anywhere as peaceful as I do here. Its always been the city closest to my heart.

And London in winter was a completely different story.

We were happily walking down the streets, enjoying the fair weather and the scenery while making random conversation. Any awkwardness that happened earlier seemed to have disappeared into thin air, just like the smoke coming out of our mouths when we spoke.

Everything was so serene. I loved it.

That was the point when the rain decided to fall. Had I been alone, I would’ve continued my walk even more excited than I was before, feeling the raindrops wash all my troubles away. But knowing how Layla hates the rain and watching her step into the nearest shop when it started falling, I decided to follow her.

We ended up in Debenhams.

“Lets just look around hnee till the rain calms down shwaya. Its pouring out there”

Walking up the escalator, I remembered how my mom loves the fish & chips they made here, and how she only ate it in this restaurant. I decided to give her a ring.

“Hayoooya galby shlonich mamaty? Walaht 3laich 7beebty wallah elbait ma yeswa bdoonich! Mamaty meta tredeen Hayoo wallah I miss you!”

I laughed out loud. Very hard.

“Yuma ba3ad galby shway shway 3ly 5al astaw3eb shga3d tgoleen”

“HAW! Hayoo agoolich welaht 3laich tgoleenly shway shway!”

“Wallah I miss you more 7beebty. Wallah weddy tkoneen weyay al7en. A9lan tadreen ana wain al7en?”

“Wain?”

“Eb Debenhams…tabeen fish & chips?”

“Ba3ad galby entay wallah…7addy meshtahya…yeebeely weyach 3ayal bs la ygoloon 3annich maynoona on the plane”

“Afaaa! Ygoloon maynoona bs lazem ayeeblch! Entaw shlonkom? Wainkom ma tes2loon 3anny chenna kintaw na6reen elfacha menny!”

“La wallah yuma obooch kil youm ydeg 3laich bs madree el56oo6 shfeeha mo rathy yashbk…7ata kil ma ydezlch message ma tro7…kaa ga3ed yamy yaby y7acheech e5thay”

My dad confirmed to me what my mom had said. I wondered what was wrong with my phone; the network was normal, I could call people but apparently no one could call me. I assumed that my parents had gotten something wrong with the code or what not. After all, I guess technology can be a bit challenging for people their age.

I was standing in the makeup section when I saw Layla and M7ammad coming towards me.

“Shfeech Hayoo?”

“Laa mako shay. I just talked to my parents fa I kinda miss them”

“You’ll be back before you know it 7beebty, fa enjoy the time you’re here while you still can”

“Inshallah…bs they keep saying my phone is going crazy mo ga3d yashbk”

“Ee I remember youm I arrived I called you oo madree shfee chan adeg 3la 7ammoud oo – AAAAAHHHHH DIORRRRRRR!!”

She was now screaming and her eyes were ogling something behind me. I looked behind me to find that we were at the Dior makeup section.

“El7amdella welshekr…” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“Laaa laaa Hayoona you don’t understand! I’ve been looking for my red shade everywhere in Kuwait oo killa out of stock! Apparently red is in nowadays oo kilman ga3d ya5tha!! Its not fair its always been my color mn before hal habba”

“Ee wallah…entay mashallah 3laich I’ve never seen anyone yloog 3aleh red lipstick nafsich…mo nafs hathela elclowns eli nshofhom chenna a7ad punched their lips…it actually looks GOOD on you with your pearly whites”

She tried some on and looked in the mirror at M7ammad who was lurking around us, obviously bored with the conversation.

“Shrayak eb hal loun 7amood?” Layla showed him her freshly colored red lips and trying to make him feel less out of place.

“Its nice I guess”

“Hayoo try it!”

“Waiii Layla shkether 3endy makeup!”

“You wear makeup aslan?”

“Not much…bs I have a thing for buying it and not using it hehe”

He smiled.

“Zain yala try it, show us!”

I did as I was told.

Another jaw drop. This time from Layla. I couldn’t see M7ammad’s reaction from where I was standing through the mirror though.

“3ajeeb Hayooo! Lazem ta5theena!”

I was pouting infront of the mirror and contemplating the thought of buying it when Layla’s phone rang. She excused herself.

“You should get it”, he whispered in my ear as the sudden appearance of his reflection in the mirror startled me. He was gazing at my lips.

“You think?” I said, contemplating the thought while still pouting infront of the mirror.

“And wear it that is. You have beautiful lips. You should consider highlighting them more often”

I remembered how 3abboud nearly begged me once not to wear red lipstick again. He said it made my lips look edible. When he couldn’t convince me to do that, he made me promise not to ever wear it while driving, for fear of depriving people of their sanity on the road.

Looking at M7ammad eyes as they were completely mesmerized with my lips, I decided to tease him a bit.

“Sh8a9dk ya3ny? I can only look pretty with makeup?” I spoke to him through the mirror, without turning to face him.

“Huh? Laa shda3wa ana ma gelt chithee!”

“Tawwk tgool lipstick makes me look pretty”

“I said it highlights your lips”

“Ba3ad? Ya3ny even with makeup they’re not highlighted ebroo7hom ya3ny?!”

“Haya you have gorgeous lips mama! Ana ga3d agoolich you highlight them 3shan ybaynoon zyada cuz they make your face look beautiful”

“Ya3ny you mean without my polished lips my face looks ugly?” I gave him a puppy face.

“Walaaaaaaain!! Ana ma gelt chithee!”

“3ayal shgelt?!” I said, turning around to face him, realizing that our faces were only centimeters apart.

He had this look in his eyes. This look I’ve only seen before in movies. This look I’ve never seen before with my own eyes, in the real world. He was staring at me so intently and so expressionlessly that I was caught in the middle of his gaze, finding myself locked, even lost, in his blue eyes. For the first time, I noticed every little detail in the vast sea of blue infront of me. There were the thin turquoise stripes that stretched throughout the span of his eyes. There were the navy blue dots spread around randomly, looking like little emeralds sparkling at the bottom of the ocean. There were other lines and marks that were scattered around seemingly meaninglessly, but the purpose they served was only to the eye of the beholder…literally.

Then came the pitch black darkness in the center of his eyes. The window to his soul. The pitch black darkness into which I stared and was completely lost in. Completely absorbed in. Completely mesmerized by.

Wrapped into my own indulgence, I never got the chance to tell him that Dior lipsticks smudge.

Contrasting Realities 21

2009-04-05T17:24:00.009+03:00

I know I promised you guys a post full of action bs wallah I have two exams in less than a week that I didnt study for, fa I really couldnt write more. Bs I did post a short (hopefully not too crappy) post for you till I come back cz I promised I'll post one this week.

So sam7oony if it isnt as good as you'd like it to be...wallah am so sorry =(

wish me luck - I REALLY need it!

ps: action coming up next post I promise! =D

**********************************

We left the restaurant and walked towards the tube station. On our way, we passed by the shop displaying the purple dress from before. M7ammad suddenly grabbed Layla’s hand and pulled her into the shop.

“Besmellah! 7amood shfeek?!”

“Ta3aly bas ta3alay entay!” he said still dragging her into the shop without an explanation.

He went to the dress and held it out infront of her.

“7ag Noufa?”

He ignored her question.

“7elo?”

“Eyanen! Mn 9ijik?”

“Haya mo m9adgatny” he said, pointing to me.

I blushed.

“I didn’t say ena mo 7elo shda3wa”

“Mo rathya ta5tha”

“Kint ba5tha bas-“

“Lebsee. Show her.”

“Wallah 3ajebny shda3wa?!”

“Then laish ma tabeen talbeseena?!”

Layla looked at us with questioning eyes. She was obviously confused.

“What’s going on?”

“Ma taby ta5tha”

“Mo maby bs ena ma 9ar 3arafty”

She looked at me and then back at M7ammad.

“Tra it seems like a nice dress. Chenny ana ba5tha 7aggy”

M7ammad frowned but didn’t speak.

A few moments of silence passed as Layla admired the dress before she spoke again.

“Haya may5alef tjarbeena for me?”

I gave her a very hostile look. I understood that she didn’t witness what happened the last time I tried it on, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t try it herself.

So here I was, standing in the middle of the shop with both Layla and M7ammad asking me to wear the dress.

Even though it seemed harmless, I knew better.

That didn’t mean I could say no, though.

“Erm…sure why not?”

She wrapped her hand around my arm and hugged me tightly as I walked towards the fitting room.

“Thanks Hayooyty” she said as she gave me a big kiss on my cheek.

Before she pulled away, she whispered in my ears.

“I’m so sorry I’m not wearing the right underwear for this at all bs weddy ashoofa”

Lovely…

Once more, I put on the dress and walked out of the fitting room, this time without the heels. When I stepped out, I could see that Layla and M7ammad were having a serious conversation about something, but awkward silence fell upon them the moment I entered.

Layla turned around from M7ammad to face me. When she did, I could tell she was impressed. She admired me for quite some time before she spoke.

“Its beautiful Hayooya”

“3yoonich elbeautiful galby”

There was silence for a few moments as she stared at me. Then she looked over at M7ammad, who had been silent this whole time.

His expression wasn’t any different from the first time he saw the dress. His bulging eyes, his sweating face, his inability to breathe…

Only this time, it was combined with a dropped jaw.

“Wala shrayek M7ammad?”

No response.

“M7ammad eldress 3ajeeb mo?”

No response.

She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder as he sat. I could swear I saw her pinching him just a little.

“Haa? Shino?” he looked around him in bewilderment, his eyes suddenly leaving me. Then, he looked up at Layla.

“Eldress…ga3da agool 7ag Hayooya ena 3ajeeb, mo?”

“5o ana laish yaybech hnee in the first place if it wasn’t?!”

“La y6oofich Hayooya…9ij you look amazing”

“Fineeeeee!! I’ll take it!”

M7ammad’s face lit up as he got up from his seat.

“9ijjjjjjjjj?”

“Say it in a more girly way, why don’t you?” Layla teased him.

He blushed.

“Yala 3ad Lilly its amazing you gotta admit”

“3laich bl3afya galby”

As I was taking the dress off, I noticed a small tear on its side near the belt. I spoke to the saleswoman in the changing room about it, which made a few phone calls to other branches, and told me that a new one will be available tomorrow for me to pick up. After explaining what happened to M7ammad and Layla, we walked out of the store and continued our shopping spree.

It was only the afternoon, and the day had become as awkward as I would imagine it can ever become.

I missed 3abboud tremendously, but taken out those feelings out on M7ammad.

And Layla witnessed it.

M7ammad played footsie with me, and not only did I not feel guilty about it, but I actually enjoyed it.

And Layla witnessed it.

M7ammad trying to ever-so-innocently feed my even though there was someone else on that table whom he is actually closer to that he could’ve started with (or stopped at for that matter).

And Layla witnessed it.

M7ammad’s lack of breathing and dropped jaw as I tried on the infamous (and now I’m thinking God-forsaken) purple dress.

And Layla witnessed it.

Its official. Things can’t become more awkward than this.

And it was only when I came to this realization that I could actually feel myself loosening up, because it was only then that I concluded that no matter what happens, today cannot get any worse. That’s when I decided to relax and enjoy whatever’s left of this very strange day.

Looking back, I don’t understand how it slipped my mind that the world goes by another law.

Murphy’s Law.

'Things can always get worse'

Contrasting Realities 20

2009-03-30T16:58:00.003+03:00

I turned around slowly. The paleness of my face must have reflected my shock.

“There was something on your face…madree” he said, showing me his slightly black fingertip, and going back to my cheek to clean the rest of it.

My eyeliner. What the hell was it doing down there?

“E7em e7em” she cleared her throat from behind us.

Now, it was his turn to become pale. His cold fingertips and my face parted.

“Oh! You’re done already!” he said turning around to face her. I continued cleaning my cheek where his hand was before I turned around to face her.

I could swear she was giving him the death look, but it disappeared as soon as I turned around.

“Meshaina?”

“Yala lets go” I said as I grabbed my bag from next to me. I realized that my phone had been lying on the coffee table since I entered the room earlier. Looking at it this time, though, it didn’t surprise me that its screen was blank.

It didn’t make me miss him any less though...

We walked towards the campus, stopping by a small cozy café on our way for breakfast and coffee. Our conversations were normal and tension-free. To the eyes of the passer-by, it would’ve been hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago, there were tears and arguments amongst the three people sitting at this little café and laughing life away.

Life can be so ironic sometimes…

When we arrived to the lecture hall, it just so happened that M7ammad ended up between Layla and me in the very small space that was left when we arrived.

“Haya” M7ammad whispered in my ears about 10 minutes into the lecture.

I leaned in closer to him with my eyes on the notebook I was writing in.

“Tra ryooly wayed t3awerny elyom, so I apologize in advance etha I hit yours while I move them…or you know…something”

“Its okay” I said without looking at him, concentrating immensely on the lecturer’s words.

Absorbed in the notes that I was taking, my body suddenly froze and I dropped my pen. M7ammad was resting his foot on my leg.

No need to freak out, I thought, he already apologized in advance.

I went back to my notes and the lecture. Once again, I was absorbed by all the ideas that the lecturer was giving me.

A few minutes later, his foot started trailing a path on my leg, moving very gently from my knee, all the way down to my ankle. Then, it went back up to the middle of my leg where it was resting earlier and stopped.

I ignored his action, and thought about his apology once more.

Moments later, his foot starts revisiting the path it made earlier. He went all the way from my knee to my ankle, pausing there for just a few moments and allowing his toes to playfully wander on the top of my foot.

He already apologized…

Only this time, he didn’t stop. His toes left my foot and crept along the shaft of my leg, reaching my knee once more. I kept trying to suppress any reactions coming from my behalf, still convinced that there was a reason he apologized – obviously he knew his restless legs would do something embarrassing today. Butterflies started forming in my tummy, which was doing back flips all over. Slowly, I felt my muscles relaxing and my heart slowing down. I sat there quietly, mesmerized at how good it felt and wondering why I stopped feeling awkward.

BANG!

The loud noise of Layla’s heel being stomped sharply, possibly even angrily, against the floor came ringing throughout the hall. The lecturer stopped mid-sentence and looked up. Everyone looked around them, but it was difficult to locate where the sound was coming from as per the loud echo.

I realized the M7ammad was frozen next to me. Rigid. Like a pipe.

I was nearly just as rigid. I suddenly felt like a teenager, caught talking to her boyfriend behind her parents’ back. I wanted to sneak a peek at Layla’s face, but I was just…rigid.

The rest of the lecture passed by in a blur. I didn’t concentrate on a word being said and I couldn’t hear a whisper from around me. I couldn’t even respond when the lecture was over and Layla was telling us to get up.

I got up very slowly from my seat, allowing them both to move past me. I pretended to fidget with my skirt until they did, to avoid any form of eye contact. M7ammad went past me first, then came Layla. There was a moment of silence.

16-year old, caught making out with her boyfriend by the police...

“Shfeekom wagfeen chithee? Ma ra7 nroo7?” She was her usual friendly self.

Ashwa ashwa ashwa!! Ma shafat shay!

“Also, we’d like to remind you that, as your schedule says, there will be no sessions held tomorrow since its the day for social activites” announced the lecturer.

“Wanasa! Ejaza!” Layla giggled.

“Al7en we have to think of what to do tomorrow”

“Ma yabeelha! Shopping 6ab3an! Actually shraykom we give it an early start oo nro7 al7en?”

“Sounds good to me” I said, skipping steps.

“Heyyy heyyyy heyyy entaw! Ako rayyal hnee hamma 3la ba6na! Nakel oo b3dain nro7 wain ma taboon”

We went to a Chinese place nearby. Both Layla and I weren’t very hungry, and just ordered salads. M7ammad, on the other hand, ordered some kind of chicken noodles for his main course on top of his appetizers and salad.

“You guys, their noodles are amazing!! Akelhom 3ajeeb! You have to try them!!”

Layla instantaneously dug into his plate.

“Mmmm! 3ajeebeen! Ambaih akelhom mo 9ij! You must try this Hayoo”

Before I could react, M7ammad’s hand was outstretched and holding the chopsticks to my mouth.

Mo mn 9ija yaby y2akelny 9a7? Mo mn 9ija, 9a7?

“Laa thanks I’m full wallah” I declined politely.

“Yala Haya 3an eldala3 ana madd eedy. This bite won’t kill you” he said extending his hand further towards me.

MOOOOOO MN 9IJJJAAAA!!

Layla was silent. And I don’t think it was only because of the food she stuffed into her mouth.

I pulled my head backwards, away from his hands. My tone of voice became more serious. Possibly more hostile too.

“M7ammad bs maby, ok?”

He looked at me, with surprise pouring out of his eyes, obviously not seeing that coming. Then, he pulled his hand back.

“3la ra7tich, bs its your loss” he said. I thought I heard some disappointment in his voice, and it broke my heart just as quickly as I’d gotten upset with him; he was just trying to be polite I guess. He quickly changed the subject though, and we continued the rest of our lunch pleasantly.

Denial can make elephants in any room disappear...

Contrasting Realities 19

2009-03-20T16:47:00.006+03:00

MISS YOU WAYED ;**

thanks for all your comments. Your support meant so much to me wallah =)

I'm not really back yet but I woke up feeling a little better today, so I figured I should share my good mood with you!

Hope you enjoy it! =)

ps: again, MISS YOU WAYED ;**

**********************************

I woke up the next day at 7am, an hour before my alarm went off. The sky was still dark outside; sunrise wasn’t until 7.30am. I turned to my side to find Layla sleeping peacefully with her phone next to her.

I haven’t heard from him in 4 days.

I missed 3abboud.

Alot.

I got out of bed very quietly, making sure I didn’t wake her up. Finding my bag on the floor, I reached for my phone.

Nothing.

I missed 3abboud.

Alot.

I stepped into the bathroom and looked at my face. My makeup was smudged below my eyes, making me look like someone who just got out of a fistfight. Even though I knew it was only because I had forgotten to clean it off before I went to bed yesterday, I realized that it did reflect the way I felt today.

I missed 3abboud.

Alot.

I grabbed a change of clothes and hopped into the shower. Nothing could soothe me more than a hot shower. I let the heat liquefy all my problems. I let the force of its droplets untangle the knots in my back. I let the water wash all my troubles away.

Ten minutes later, I stepped out of the shower and rushed to my phone.

Nothing.

Tears made their way to my eyes, but I held them back as I put on my clothes. I decide to apply my makeup outside so I don’t turn on the lights that might wake Layla up. I grabbed my phone in my hand on my way out, contemplating on whether I should swallow my pride and let him know how much I needed him.

On how much I missed his good morning messages.

On how much I missed the sound of his voice.

On how much I missed feeling his lips on my forehead.

On how much I missed…him.

I stepped out of the room and closed the door behind me very, very slowly.

“9ba7 el5air” came a whisper, with a hint of laughter in it. It made me jump.

M7ammad was sunk in the sofa, wearing brown trousers and a beige shirt. His top three buttons were undone.

“9ba7 elnoor”

“Layla nayma?”

“Ee”

“Oo entay shmga3dch hal7azza?”

“Madree…elso2al ohwa ent shmga3dk?”

He took a deep breath and gave me a weak smile.

“I couldn’t sleep a9lan”

“Mn 9ijik?”

“Yup. Not at all. Stayed up all night.”

I sat on the sofa next to him. ”Oh, dude that sucks”

“Tell me about it. Wanna watch some TV?”

“Why not?”

We chatted a little and switched on the TV.

“No breakfast elyom?”

“I figured since Lilly hnee, we could go somewhere instead of eating in”

I pulled my mirror out and started applying my eyeliner. M7ammad grabbed his tie from the table infront of us and tried to put it on, struggling with his bandaged wrist in the process.

“Need help?”

“Maby a2atheech” he said shyly.

“Shda3wa? I’m the cause of the wrist damage anyway” I smiled gratefully, “bs goum I can’t tie it oo ent ga3ed”

He stood up and I stood infront of him. Somehow, it felt less awkward than yesterday. Nonetheless, his beating heart against my palm was still driving me crazy.

“Yala put this underneath here-“

“I’m a fast learner” I interrupted as I winked at him. I then proceeded to tie it in silence. Silence that didn’t include his throbbing heart.

I pulled his tie halfway up to his neck, then gently closed his undone buttons, noticing that my fingertips lingered a bit more on his bare skin that they probably should have. I then pulled his tie up to his neck, and left my palms against his chest. I didn’t move.

I felt his heart push the most sensitive part of my palm outwards.

His heartbeat.

Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub.

There was something so soothing about it. It somehow transformed me to a state of utter peace.

Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub.

I felt my muscles relaxing. I felt my worries disappearing. I felt my heart slowing down.

Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub.

Serenity. Tranquility.

Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub. Lub. Dub.

A few minutes passed by. I don’t know how much, but I could feel that minutes followed minutes as I stood there, indulged in his heartbeats.

“9ba7 el5air” echoed Layla’s voice.

M7ammad’s head turned and I saw lines forming against the muscles of his neck as I stared at it. I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. I was plastered in this position. I was a wax figure.

This would be a good time to acknowledge her existence, said the little voice in my head.

“Shlonkom?”

I felt his heartbeat becoming faster and more forceful. I wouldn’t have been surprised if it ripped his chest apart and landed into my hand at that very moment.

“El7amdellah…entay shlonich Lilly?”

When he spoke, the sound of his voice came from his entire chest. Every word and every letter and every syllable was felt through my palm before it was heard by my ears. The vibrations, though, finally managed to shoot me back to reality.

My brain had to remind me of the way things were looking infornt of Layla right now. Me and M7ammad, standing only inches apart. My hands on his chest. His head tilted so he can look at her and speak to her. I, on the other hand, am standing there in complete silence, simply staring at his him.

The realization of it all made me pull my hands suddenly and step away from M7ammad. I looked at Layla, but the disheveled look she gave me made me stare at the ground in shame.

“Shlonich Hayooya?” Her tone of voice was friendly, and so was the question. But there was something strange about it.

Curiosity maybe? Sympathy?

I couldn’t quite place my hands on it.

“El7amdella all good” I glanced at her quickly, and realized that her usual friendly expression was there. There was something else there too, but this time, I couldn’t tell what it was.

“Ay sa3a lazem namshy?”

“We have to be there by 9”

“Oh, 3ayal yala yamdeeny albes”

“Ee yala ba3ad 3shan yamdeena we grab some food before we go”

“Killa hamk 3la ba6nk ent?!”

He laughed whole-heartedly.

“What’s new?”

She went back to change and get ready, while M7ammad and I sat in silence infront of the TV. I don’t know about him, but I know I was staring at it absent-mindedly, seeing absolutely nothing of what the images infront of me portrayed.

Until I felt his cold fingertips on my cheek.

dear readers,

2009-02-23T01:07:00.002+03:00

I'm taking a short break, so sam7oony etha I dont post very often (if I do post at all) in these few coming weeks.

I'm very very sorry, bs I'm going through a really tough time, so bear with me.

For more details, click here.

Will miss you alot =(

Contrasting Realities 18

2009-02-17T21:44:00.005+03:00

tra ana bamoot men elta3ab!

like literally bamoot!

bs adree 9ayra 7addy mo shay, oo I haven't posted for a while, so metfashla menkom oo '3a9abt 3la nafsy akteb =(

oh, and one more thing I noticed, it seems that I get more followers and comments kil ma i go away for a while =\

so a5aleeha 3ada eni a6awel wla shlon? ;Pp

ela a6awel ya3ny 3shan you follow oo comment? ;Pp

tra I like your feedback, la ta7remoony menna =(

hope you like it! =D

**********************************

I woke up to find that all the tears that had escaped my eyes as I cried myself to sleep had dried up on my pillow. The sky outside was dark, informing me that night has fallen. I turned over to my side to find that Layla’s bed was empty, but her luggage still lay where she had left it.

I quickly scanned the room for my bag that I had thrown on the floor once I had entered. Amidst all the body aches and pain, I tried to reach my bag with my hands, without actually getting out of bed. I needed to find my mobile. I needed my mobile screen to read 3abboud so desperately. I needed to talk to my best friend.

Then the door sprang open and Layla walked in. I had to shield my eyes from the lights coming from the outside.

“Noum el3awafi” she said. Her facial expression was strange, but I assumed that it was all in my half-awaken head.

“Lilly 7abeebty” I said with my baby voice.

“Awww! 7abeebat Lilly entay wallah!” She sat next to me on the bed and put my head on her thigh. “Ashoofich nayma eb malabsich ma badaltay” she said as she gently stroked my hair.

I looked down at my jeans and sweater.

“Yeah, kint 7addny ta3bana I guess”. I tried to change the subject. “What time is it anyway?”

“Nearly 10pm. 9ayratly sleeping beauty entay ya3ny 3shan 7abeeb elgalb mo hnee?” she teased.

My heart ached upon his mention. “La bas sleeping, bedoon beauty”

“Shaklich you haven’t had the best day”

“I havent had the best week wenty el9ajja”

“Come, tell Lilly all about it” she said as I fixed myself into her teddy bear arms. I sunk into her chest, closing my eyes and wishing they were 3abboud’s. The knowledge that they weren’t, though, made my eyes fill up with tears. “But lets do that over a mug of hot chocolate, shrayech? Lets go order mn room service”

“I’m not going out there” I said sharply as I pulled away from her embrace.

She sighed, and gently stroked my back.

“Adree ena 7mar”

“That’s an understatement Lilly”

She laughed.

“Kesarty 5a6ry wallah. 9arlich cham youm bro7cih met7amleta chithy?”

“That’s just it!” I snapped, “He wasn’t like this at all. He was all sweet and nice, eli ana en9edamt. I thought eny kint thalmeta all this time! Bs al7en madree shfee! Faj2a out of the blue, he decides to act all crazy and freak-like! What the hell is his problem?! Better yet, what the hell is stuck up his ass?” I said, speaking a little too fast.

She sighed once more, giving me a nervous little laugh. I thought there was some acknowledgment underneath it, but I wasn’t too sure.

“Adree 7abeebty, wallah adree.”

“La2 ma tadreen Layla! He was acting so unbelievably sweet those past few days. I felt terrible ena I’d formed such a nasty image of him before. 7asait myself way too judgemental oo oho ma kan mga9er weyay wallah. Bs al7en…” I let out a painful sigh, “I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with all the testosterone-containing creatures in the world!”

“All of them?” she said as she hugged me tighter.

“All of them” I said with a sulky voice, and fell back into her arms.

“Shfee el2a5 elthany ba3ad?”

“They’ve all gone crazy, I tell you. It must be something in the air…or maybe its boy-gone-crazy season or something” I said, as I proceeded to tell her about 3abboud’s attitude earlier.

“I’ll make a deal with you, zain?”

“Sounds good to me”

“I can fix one of those problems, bs you have to promise me ena you won’t ask any questions. Just trust me and I’ll make it go away”

“Zain”

“Promise?”

I turned around and looked at her. Her eyes gave me a sympathetic look. I knew my misfortunes were breaking her heart.

“Promise”

“Just go out and act like this morning ever happened”

I stared at her blankly. I only spoke when I realized that my stare was inducing no reaction from her whatsoever.

“Mn 9ijich Lilly? Ba3ad eli sawwa feeny, tabeeny I act like nothing ever happened”

“Haya! Ma etafa8na chithee! Gelna no questions!”

“Bs Lilly – “

“You promised!”

“That’s just it. I don’t think I can do it, like I don’t have the ability to do it a9lan. I would do it if I could, but I don’t know what I’ll do if I saw him again”

She got up and pulled me to my feet.

“Nothing” she said as she wrapped her arm around mine tightly and walked towards the door, “We’re just a couple of girlies eli meshtahyeen hot chocolate…” she continued as she opened the door, ”…oo ray7een na6leb mn room service and maybe watch a little TV”. She finished her sentence as we stood in the living room, overlooking at the sofa where M7ammad was plastered infront of the TV.

“Noum el3awafy” he said with a bright smile.

“Allah e3afeek” I replied quietly.

“3ad 6afich elyom kan mu6ar mo 6abee3y lma raddain ana oo Layla”, he continued, not taking his eyes off of me. “I hope we don’t catch any colds soon”

I nodded expressionlessly.

“We were craving hot chocolate M7ammad, taby weyana?” she said as she sat on the other sofa, but placed a pile of magazines on the other seat. She looked at me and nudged me to sit next to M7ammad.

“Hot chocolate! 3ad I was just thinking the same thing, bs gelt akeed all the cafes are closed now”. He picked up the phone and placed an order.

I glanced towards Layla, and she gave me an approving nod.

“Haya they have Addicted To Love on TV. I know you’re a fan of Meg Ryan. Tabeena?” he said as he winked to me.

“Sure…etha ma taboon shay thany ya3ny”

He picked up the remote and put the movie on.

“Tadreen Layla? It turns out Haya has really good taste in movies” he said as he elbowed me.

“Ee adree…5athatny cinema weyaha a few times” she said with a wide smile.

I blushed. Not at her remark or his, but at the sudden change of surroundings. I don’t know what the hell she did, but I liked it. I was getting the best of all the M7ammad’s I knew: not the incredibly seductive M7ammad, and not the incredibly vicious M7ammad. The incredibly fun M7ammad. The incredibly cozy M7ammad. The incredibly misjudged M7ammad.

Our drinks came later on, and we sat their sipping them while making conversation. M7ammad was acting normal again. I wasn’t uncomfortable around seductive M7ammad as I was in the past few days, and I wasn’t hurt by the incredibly vicious M7ammad as I was this morning. and I couldn’t be happier to have Layla around. I finally felt in place, for the first time since I left Kuwait.

The next thing I knew was me awoken by Layla’s voice as she woke M7ammad up from next to me. With my eyes still closed, I realized that his arm was around me as my head lay on his chest, listening to his heart beating very, very slowly. The rhythmic movements of his chest underneath my chest as he was breathing felt like a mother rocking her child to sleep. The warmth of his body and his arm wrapping me up was making me warm. The scent of his M7 was my sedative. The serenity of it all made me unable to move any muscles, including the ones that would open my closed eyes.

Layla was talking to M7ammad and they were saying something in mere whispers, but I couldn’t hear them as I lay on his chest, indulged in his heart beats. I felt M7ammad removing his hands from around me and placing it to his side.

“Haya goomay namy da5el 7beebty” came Layla’s soothing voice and she gently shook me awake.

With his hands no longer engulfing me, I regained control over my muscles. I opened my eyes and smiled at her. Getting up from my position, I looked to my side to see that M7amamd was still asleep. He had a distressed look on his face, like he was having a bad dream or someone just woke him up.

I never knew grumpy could look so cute on anyone…

“Ana aga3da al7en. Entay dishay namy. You’ve had a long day”

I nodded.

“Good night 7beebty”

“Good night Lilly” I said as I gave her a tight hug. I didn’t want to let her go. “Thanks. I don’t know how else to put it”

I walked back to my room and, for the second time today, collapsed on my bed without changing my clothes.

Before I slept, my brain had one little thing to tell the little voice in my head.

I told you so…

Contrasting Realities 17

2009-02-11T14:03:00.002+03:00

We were just about to grab a bite when M7ammad’s phone rang. He put it on speaker when he saw it was Layla.

“Alooo”

“Hallah wallah eb Lilly! We9altay?”

“Ee I just got into a taxi and am heading to the hotel now”

“7amdella 3asalama. 6ab3an ma yebty A7madooo weyach?”

“Madree galolek we’re here on a holiday for M7ammad & his bestie?”

“Afaaa!! Kint agoola la t5aleeha tsafer broo7ha...geltla adree murtek bs ana maly she’3l feeha…ent ta3al deer balek 3aleha”

“9ij? Ya3ny moo ta3al eg3ad weyay 5al ngezz eb London?”

“Meno? Ana? Gazz?”

“Ee ee mskeen ent wallah mathloom. Loo ent sha59eyan ma tyee oo tgooly 3n swalfek kan momken a9adeg” she said teasingly.

He gave her a nervous laugh and blushed just a little.

“Balash fadaye7 odam elnas!” he said in the funniest Egyptian accent I’ve ever heard.

“Nas meen? Haya?”

“7amdella 3asalama Lilly”

“Allah ysalmch 7beebty. I tried calling your phone bas madree shfee! You forced me eny anazel mn mostaway oo adeg 3la hal ahbal” she teased.

“Zain 7eshayy mn waray mo che ashkara eb wayhy!! Bagool 7ag a7madooo!”

“5al ashofk bs al7en oo nshoof shino bngool 7ag a7madooo!” she said in an evil voice, “entaw wainkom?”

“Tawwna m5al9een oo we were gonna go for lunch. Bs damich hnee, we’ll meet you in the hotel oo we go eat together”

“5alas ashoofkom hnak 3ayal”

We made our way back to the hotel to meet up with Layla. It was around 5pm now. We both changed into jeans and sweaters, and sat infront of the muted TV, making conversation.

“Tadreen this sofa ma ra7 tkafeena lma Layla tyee”

“Ee wallah 9ij. Lazem a7ad yeg3ad on the floor.” I teased.

“Orrrr…” he said as he picked up the phone, “…we could just call the reception and ask them to bring another one in”

Why didn’t I think of that earlier?!

Better yet, why didn’t he think of that earlier?

My thoughts were interrupted by the knock on our door.

“That was fast” he said as he opened the door. Layla stood in the doorway with her luggage. “Nawwar l suite!! Hala eb Layla eli yaya bdoon A7madooo”

“Ennas tgool 7amdella 3asalama” she said as she elbowed him, pushing him aside. The concierge followed her with the luggage. “Haya! Ambaih eldawam bedoonich mo shay!” she came over to me and gave me a big, warm teddy bear hug.

I hugged her back tightly. Even though Layla and I weren’t very close off-hours, she was my favorite colleague during work. When I first started in our company, she was the single most helpful person in the company. She made sure I knew exactly how things were and that I was comfortable all the time. As time progressed, our relationship got stronger and we managed to become closer. We would go out to eat, or go shopping if we had nothing to do at work.

But somehow, we rarely made it past working hours. Partly because I was too wrapped up in 3abboud after-hours, and partly because she was too wrapped up with her husband, too. She did invite us a couple of times for get-togethers at her place, but I always managed to make up an excuse since I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing M7ammad, her husband’s childhood friend, when I didn't absolutely have to.

She finally let go of me.

“I’d kiss you bs I know you’re not a big fan of that”

“You know me too well, Lilly” I winked.

“So how’s everything been? How have you guys been?”

“Wallah all good el7amdella. How are things back in Kuwait?”

“Not so good wallah. Nasser is really struggling with everything. I hope things turn out well” she paused for a moment. ”Enough with that, 5anroo7 nakel! I slept throughout my flight oo mo metrayga!”

“Wain tabeen?” M7ammad asked her, not looking at me.

“Wherever, I just really need to eat right now”

M7ammad rushed towards the door, and we followed behind him. He held the door open for Layla as he spoke to her.

“So shlon A7madooo?” he said, stepping infront of me as soon as she stepped out of the door, unannounced. I stopped in the middle of my step to allow him through. It didn’t help that he didn’t hold the door for me after he walked through.

What the hell was that?

As we walked towards the Chinese place at the end of the street, I noticed that M7ammad didn't do so much as look at me, or direct any of his conversation towards me. It looked as if he was completely sucked into her world, paying attention to every little thing she said. I’ve never seen him act this way around her before. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he had a thing for her, but I knew that was just about as logical as flying pigs.

When we got to the restaurant, M7ammad quickly sat next to Layla, leaving only the seat opposite hers for me to sit in. He sat there discussing what they would have with her, completely ignoring my presence. When Layla would talk to me, he would just lodge his face in the menu. Eventually, when the waiter came, he asked Layla what she wanted to have, then told him their orders.

“That will be all, thank you” he said, signaling for the waiter to leave.

My jaw dropped open as I stared at him.

“M7ammad shfeek? Haya didn’t order”

“Ee 9a7, chenny nesait’ha. Tabeen anadeeh, wla t3arfeen tnadeenah bro7ich?” he said, with his head still in the menu.

Layla looked at him, clearly more surprised than I was. I was too frozen to even react, never mind speak. Layla tried to fix things.

Hatha mn 9ijja?

“Shino tnadeeh ehya? Ma7soub 3alena rayyal enta? Nadeeh yala bser3a!”

“You know, Layla, I’m not feeling well. I think I’ll just head back to the hotel and get some sleep”

“Haya! Shfeech entay elthanya?! Ge3day weyay tawny wa9la oo b3dain redday namy weyay 7ata ana ta3bana oo bared anam. Say something M7ammad”

“Kaifha. Etha ta3bana, 5atroo7 tnam,” he said, looking at Layla and waving his hands in my direction, as if to tell me that I’m leaving, “she knows the way”

I felt my tears forming. I had to get out before he saw them.

“I’m so sorry Layla wallah. I promise to make it up to you soon. Bs baroo7 arta7 shway oo b3dain e9eer 5air” I said as I stood up and grabbed my bag.

“Ne6ray bas – “

I didn’t. I made my way to the door as fast as I could. As I moved, I saw Layla smacking M7ammad on his head and saying something, as he moved to sit infront of her, where I was sitting only moments earlier.

Once I was out the door, I took a deep breath and inhaled all the air that my lungs could hold. Why was he acting so rude? What was all that about in the morning? What the hell happened between now and the morning? Why did Layla’s arrival make so much of a difference to his attitude?

That was the M7ammad I knew. That was the M7ammad I've been working with. That the M7ammad I hated and despised.

I felt my tears running down my face, but I quickly wiped them off as they fell, worried that either of them might be coming behind me at any moment.

No one ever did.

Contrasting Realities 16

2009-02-07T01:32:00.000+03:00

adree btethb7oony, bs I'm gonna be busy over the next week, so I wont have time to post =/

So here's an extra-long part to keep you entertained till then!

Read it slowly ;)

**********************************

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door, interrupting…everything.

“This must be room service. I ordered breakfast”

I exhaled.

“Zain…erm…ent elbes…3shan…erm…you know…la net2a5ar. I’ll take care of…hatha…shesma…breakfast”

I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. But I realized that I had to lean back on it for a few moments and breathe before I could move again. I tried to make another move for the door but my brain wasn’t sending any signals to move my legs. It was occupied with thousands of thoughts and images of M7ammad.

A second knock on the door finally initiated my leg movements. As I walked towards it, I started thinking of why I felt so nervous around him. It could be the way he looked, like he’d just walked out off the red carpet. It could be the way he’d caught me by surprise while I was totally unprepared for it. It could be the unbelievable amount of confidence he carried around. But that was no reason to feel this way. I hated M7ammad. M7ammad hated me. What’s wrong with me? Nothing changed – he was the slamming hottie with attitude problems.

Nothing changed... I thought to myself.

I hate M7ammad…I thought to myself.

He has attitude problems…I thought to myself.

I kept repeating those to myself until I reached the door and took our breakfast. I sat opposite the tray and reached for the blueberry jam, and proceeded to stuff myself with it like there was no tomorrow. Unlike my usual self, I was eating like a pig and I knew it. I had no intentions of slowing down, though. The sugar rush was keeping my mind off…things.

A little while later, M7ammad walked out of the door, in his olive green suit and the shirt I had just ironed. His tie was placed loosely around his neck.

“Someone’s hungry” he winked, and pointed to the dab of jam on the side of my chin.

I gave him a nervous smile, then went back to my sugar-filled jam, intentionally not wiping the jam off my face.

“Bl3afya” he said again. I looked at the huge grin he had on his face as he was watching me eat.

“Allah e3afeek” I said after I swallowed. I wiped the jam off my chin.

Now can you please leave me alone with my soothing sugary food?

“Adree athaitech Haya, bs ba6lb mennch ba3ad 6alab”

Ma 7abbait 6alabatk M7ammad!! I thought to myself.

“Erm…ee sure”

“Mo gader I tie my tie…can you do it for me please?”

“Erm…bs I don’t know how to tie a tie” I lied.

“I’ll teach you then! Yala ta3aly!”

He just never gives up, does he?

I swallowed the last spoonful of jam loudly as I looked at his piercing blue eyes and his alluring smile. As if I was hypnotized, I found myself walking towards him with slow steps.

For the second time today, our bodies were once again only inches apart. I held both ends of the tie with both of my hands.

“Now what?”

“Wa9lay the thin end of the tie layn the third button mn foug”

With my hands on his chest, I did as I was told.

“Al7en leffy hathy hnee bs mn foug…o b3dain wrap it around this side”

“Chithee?”

“Ee…you’re doing great. Al7en put this mn ta7at…wrap this around one more time”

“Okay”

"La2 la2 mo chithee" he held my hand and showed me how to wrap it, “al7en the big part, pass it through el lafa hathy eli bln9 o pull up”

I did as I was told, and pulled the tie up towards his neck.

“3ady if your top button is undone?”

“Laa please sakkry..ma gedart asakra hamm”

Here I was, staring at the nape of his neck and pretending it didn’t take all my might to keep my hands off it. I tried to close his top button, but I couldn’t because he was looking down at me.

“Zain erfa3 rask shway I can’t close it like this”

“Tamreen amr” he whispered , lifting his head only slightly.

I tried leaning in a bit and stood on my tiptoes to see but I still couldn’t. So I lightly pushed his chin up and only then could I close it. Then, I pulled his tie up. Only then did I come to the conclusion that he sprayed his M7 on the nape of his neck. I held my breath.

When I reached his neck, he was looking at me straight in the eye. I tried to focus on making his tie straight, but his stare was making me edgy. My palm that was resting on his chest and the fact that I could feel his heart beating was doing more harm than good to my mental status.

For a few moments, the world seemed to revolve around the sounds.

The sound of his heart beating.
And the sound of his lungs breathing.

When I was done with his tie, I proceeded to move away without looking at him.

“Wait“ he said, holding my arm. I turned around to find myself held in his gaze. Once again I was out of words. There was silence for what seemed like an eternity.

“Can you also fit in my tie pin and cuff-links?” he said, handing me his silver Givenchy pin and cuff-links

“Ee sure”

I tried to fit the pin with one hand only, to minimize the physical contact that was driving me crazy, but I couldn’t. Again, I put my palm against his beating heart and tried to fit it.

For another few moments, the world seemed to revolve around the sounds.

The sound of his heart beating.
And the sound of his lungs breathing.

I fitted the pin and raised his hands to fit in his cuff-links. I could see him staring at me and wearing a sly smile from the corner of my eye. As I fitted his cuff links, I also came to the conclusion that he sprayed his M7 on his wrists, which probably explained the fact that I smelled his perfume nearly everytime he moved his hands.

I walked back towards the breakfast table, finally allowing myself to breathe. He didn’t move behind me. He just stood there.

“Ma ra7 takel?”

“Laa mo yo3an…ana 6alba 7aggich entay”

“Oh okay” I said, suddenly aware of how much I’ve eaten. “Well, I’m done anyway. Emsh 5anroo7” I said.

The walk to the campus today was much better than yesterday’s. The sun was shining and the birds were singing as I walked in my comfy ballerinas. Once again, I seemed to enjoy his company, possibly a little more than I should.

During the seesions, however, I seemed to be a little more at ease with M7ammad’s closeness. The goosebumps only came once, when his foot accidentally touched my leg as he was crossing his legs under the bench. He quickly yanked it away though, apologizing thoroughly in the process.

After our sessions, we decided to go for lunch since Layla was going to be arriving in quite a few hours. We didn’t feel like eating anywhere in particular, so we decided to walk around and enjoy the beautiful weather until we decided.

As we walked past one of the numerous shops, M7ammad stopped suddenly as I walked past him. A few moments later, I realized he was still behind me. I walked back to him to see him staring at the mannequin. It was wearing a deep strapless and flowing silk purple dress with a black ribbon across the waist.

“Ee lefat nathary ana ba3ad…bs maly 5elg shopping elyom”

“My sister 3endaha 3ers oo mwa9yatny ashtereelha nafnoof ana oo radd…o I think this is as perfect as it gets”

“It is quite something”

“May5alef ndesh nshoofa?”

“Ee sure”

We walked into the store, and he asked the saleswoman to get him the dress. When she did, though, he looked at it, clearly disgusted.

“Shakla mo 7elo chithee...kan a7la 3al mannequin”

“Is this your first time shopping for dresses?”

“Evening dresses, yes”

I smiled.

“That’s why. 3ady y9eer shaklhom chithee. Ohma ma ybaynoon ‘3air 3al lebs”

He held the dress with both hands infront of him, and tilted his head to the left and right.

“Still mo 3ajebny…ra’3m enna barra kan 7elo” he said with the cutest pouty face.

I giggled.

“Zain Haya...adree 6alabaty 9ayra wayed elyom…bs ana e5ty ta8reeban the same size as you. Do you mind trying it on for me…3shan ashoofa?”

“Ee 3ady mo mshkela. I was thinking of trying it on anyway l2ana wayed 3ajabny ba3ad”

He asked the saleswoman to find my size and then, she guided me into the fitting room. On our way, we passed by the shoes section, and she picked a pair of purple velvety stilettos with strauss.

“These would look amazing with it” she said.

As I was putting on the dress, my bun was undone. My loose curls that still smelled like fruits from my shower this morning fell on my shoulders lightly. I realized it would be pointless to fix it back now, considering it would fall again when I took the dress off. I finger-combed my hair, put on the stilettos and walked out.

He was sitting on the sofa opposite the fitting room when I walked out. When his eyes fell onto me, he gasped. Literally.

After a few moments of eye-bulging and attempts at breath regulation, he was still silent. I spoke.

“Shrayek?”

“Madree shagool Haya…its…breath-taking…to say the least”

I blushed.

“Bta5tha ya3ny?”

“Honestly, I don’t think sis can pull it off the way you do”

I could now feel my red face radiating with heat. He was still gazing at me, and breathing heavily.
Was that sweat on his forehead?

“Zain shlon ya3ny?”

“E5thee entay. You’d be an idiot if you didn’t. You look...i don’t know…I just don’t even know what to say”

I laughed nervously. My stomach was doing flips.

I wonder why?

“Bs I don’t really feel like shopping today” I lied. I had left my credit card in the hotel and only had cash on me. I didn’t think we’d go shopping today with Layla arriving and all.

“Haya, hatha ma yet6awaf”

“This is one of the very few times that people try to talk me into shopping and not out of it, you know?”

He got up and walked towards me. For the third time today, our bodies were nearly touching. He raised both his arms, and slowly, they made their way past my waist, past my chest and past my shoulders. As they went up higher towards my neck and face, they stopped suddenly and went back down. He grabbed me from both my arms and turned me around to face the mirror behind me.

“Hatha…”, he emphasized, then took a deep breath “ma yet6awaf…Haya”

With his arms on my shoulder, I could see that he was gazing at me through the mirror as I gazed at myself. He seemed to be gripping me tighter and tighter by the second. I was slowly becoming uncomfortable.

Not wanting to insult him, I pulled away from his grip and walked towards the mirror, pretending to look at the dress. Even though I never looked at him, I could feel him burying holes in my back.

“I’ll think about it. We’re still here for a few more days” I said, as I headed back to the fitting room to change.

Once I entered my cubicle into the fitting room, I locked the door and stood behind it. Once again, I was trying very hard to regulate my breathing. I was trying very hard to regulate my feelings.

Despite the fact that everything he’s done today proves it, I still couldn’t believe the fact that M7ammad was interested in me. It just didn’t seem logical. I wasn’t his type. I wasn’t his style. I wasn’t his interest.

But most importantly, I wasn’t his.

I was someone else’s. I was 3abboud’s. I loved 3abboud. My 3abboudy.

Yet standing there behind that door, I came to realize that I have been in denial about my feelings for the past few days. 7amood gave me a rush that I haven’t felt in a long time; one that I don't think I’d ever felt before for that matter.

Why was I so tense around him? Why does my heart beat faster when I’m close him? Why does breathing become such an incredibly difficult task when I smell his scent?

And most importantly, why do I glow when he compliments me? I thought to myself as I looked at my glowing face in the mirror.

No no NO!!

This just isn’t possible! He can’t be interested in me!

As I took off the dress, a million conflicts were going on in my head. My brain was asking the little voice in my head to explain all the things that M7ammad has done for me so far. The little voice in my head simply said that they were coincidences, or that my brain was simply misunderstanding since it had grown to hate M7ammad for a long time and was finding it hard to believe that there could be a nice guy that lay underneath.

By the time I fixed my hair, though, they had reached a compromise. If M7ammad did one more thing today that my brain would interpret as flirting, only then would the little voice admit that he was interested.

Other than that, said the little voice in my head to my brain, you’re just looking for trouble…

Contrasting Realities 15

2009-02-03T16:30:00.004+03:00

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed and overwhelmingly happy. I sprang out of bed quickly and walked towards the window. The weather was as beautiful as it was on the day we got here. I took all the air in and skipped towards M7ammad’s room.

I knocked on the door.

“9ba7 el5air M7ammad” I said, and I could feel positivity radiating from my voice.

Suddenly, the door opened and M7ammad appeared. With his messy hair, he was standing infront of me and rubbing his eyes just like a little baby.

He looked so adorable that I just wanted to pinch his cheeks. But that wasn’t why I was blushing – or stuttering for that matter.

He was wearing no shirt on top of his dark tracksuit pants. Standing there infront of me were six packs so well-toned, they put body builders to shame. Every line between his muscles made a perfect indentation in his slightly tanned body that lightly reeked of M7, allowing the surrounding muscles to bulge through. With his hands still rubbing his eyes, I could identify the margins of each muscle in his arm as well. The sight infront of me was enough to sweep any woman (and possibly any man) off her feet.

“9ba7 elnoor Haya…shlonich elyoum?” he spoke while still rubbing his eyes.

“umm…el7amdella…umm…much better….yala bser3a get dressed 3shan la net2a5ar”

“Yamdy I take a shower wla la2?” he moved his hand away from his face and looked into my eyes.

I heard what he said, but my brain was blocked so badly that, not only did I not reply, but I continued gazing into his eyes.

"8a9dy ya3ny cham elsa3a al7en?" he spoke after a few moments of silence.

"Huh?"

"Aby a5eth shower...madree yamdy?" he repeated, not taking his eyes off of mine.

“ee ee embala yamdy 7ata ana al7en I’m gonna go shower”

I walked towards my room trying to shake his sanity-compromising image out of my head. I wasn’t planning on taking a shower, but I knew I needed some hot water to put my brain back to where it belonged, and maybe help me evaporate and wash away all those mental pictures going through my head.

A few moments after I got into the shower, I heard a knock on my room’s door.

“Haya?” said his very faint and muffled voice.

I stepped out of the shower and opened the bathroom’s door, peeking my head into the cold room.

“Hala?” I said from behind my room’s closed door.

“Aby a6lb mnch 6alab bs kind of mn7erej” he said

“Shda3wa M7ammad…t7acha”

“My fist mn ams…mo gader a7arka. Fa mo gader I iron my shirt. Oo I called the laundry people, oo galaw they can only return it in minimum 2 hours. Fa may5alef you iron it for me?”

I contemplated the thought for a few moments, then concluded that he sounded sincere enough for me to believe him.

“Ee ma 3endy mane3, bs mako iron bl room eli ana feeha”

“Ako eb mine. I tried using it gabl ma ayeech, bs I burnt a shirt in the process”

“5alas, ana a5ale9 oo ayeek”

“I’m so sorry about this Haya…wallah madree shagoolich”

“Shda3wa M7ammad mako shay. Its fine don’t worry”

After thanking me, he left to his room. I finished my shower and put on my clothes. I wore flat ballerinas today, since my feet were killing me after last night’s walking. I reached for my phone.

2 New Messages

From: Layla
I’m boarding in a little while. Will be there at around 3 or 4pm. See you there =)

From: Dad
Tried calling your phone, bs el56oo6 mo shay. Give us a call! Welahna 3laich!

Nothing from 3abboud…

As I called my dad up, I felt my heart sinking again at the thought that 3abboud didn’t even bother calling me up. It was very unlike him to act this way. It was the first time we’d ever gotten cross at each other, but I never imagined that he could act so immaturely. It was a new side of him that I’d never seen before.

My spirits were immediately lifted when I heard my dad’s voice, though. He seemed to have missed me so much. He even woke mom up from her sleep just to talk to me. I was surprised by their attitude; it wasn’t the first time that I was away for business. It was only after I hung up that I realized that it was the first time I was away since 3abboud. I think it hit them that their little baby girl is finally getting a life of her own and will soon be out of theirs.

The realization broke my heart too. Thinking of how much I’d miss my parents if I’d ever get married, I walked out of my room and headed towards M7ammad’s. I knocked on the door and waited for him. After I heard some shuffles and squeaks and things falling on things, he opened the door.

And I wish he hadn’t…

If I was stuttering a few minutes ago, I was completely speechless now. He was standing there, with his wet hair glistening against the light in the corridor. He was standing there with the water beads lightly trickling down his skin. He was standing there with a towel wrapped around his waist.

I, on the other hand, was standing there trying my best to control my senses. Breathing was never a more difficult task than in those few moments.

“Come in please. Thanks so much for this Haya” he said, closing the door behind me.

I was quiet. I was silent. I was tongue-tied.

And I was looking at the ground and making sure I never looked up.

“This is it” he said, handing me an apple green shirt.

He sat on the sofa at the opposite end of the room, while I was ironing the shirt. I placed the ironing table in such a way that my back was towards him the whole time, because I didn’t know what I would do if I lay my eyes on him once again.

“Balbesa m3 this suit oo this tie” he said pointing towards the olive green suit hung on the side of the cupboard door and the lime green tie hung on its side.

I continued ironing in silence.

“Haya, are you okay? Shfeech sakta?”

I wanted to tell him that I had absolutely nothing to say, but even that much wouldn’t come out.

I tried to think of anything. Anything.

“Layla is arriving this afternoon” I said after a long pause of silence.

“Elbajeen hamm ma 7a9elaw 7ajz?”

“No”

“Tra we have to do something about Rana when we get back. What she did is unacceptable”

I nodded.

He was quiet for a few moments, then spoke again. This time, his voice lighter and more...playful.

“Awwal marra ashoofich labsa flats elyom oo mo heels”

I still couldn’t speak, but I realized that I was clenching the iron harder.

“You’re probably not going to believe me when I say this, but you look much better chithee. So petite. So…” he paused for a second,"…cute.”

Breathing was becoming more difficult again. I was trying to interpret his voice.

Was he flirting with me?

No No NO!

That’s not possible. I’m not his type. He knows I hate him. He couldn’t possibly be flirting with me. His facial expression would explain to me what his intentions were, but I didn’t have enough courage to look at his face. I wasn’t sure if my knees would support me if I did.

When I was done ironing the shirt, I turned towards him. He was now lying on the sofa with his head tilted towards the ceiling. He was staring at it for a long time until he realized that I was done ironing. I still couldn’t speak.

“That was fast”, he said

He got up and walked towards me, and then stood infront of me, face to face. Our bodies were only a few inches apart. I knew he was burying holes in my forehead, so I kept looking at the shirt and pretended to fidget with it to avoid his gaze. Standing so close to me, his now not-so-faint M7 managed to churn my stomach, just like it always did. I wasn’t even sure if he was wearing any cologne, or if my brain had made the association on its own.

I knew that if I had looked into his eyes, it would have been very difficult to keep my hands off him, despite that fact that the person infront of me was M7ammad; the same person whom only hours earlier I couldn’t stand.

I finally managed to speak, after more than a whole minute of silence. I know this because I had been looking at my watch in attempts to avoid his piercing blue eyes.

“I..It…Its not as…as good as I would want it to be…bs…umm…the iron...is…erm…its not very good. Erm…that’s the best I could do”. Who knew forming sentences could be so hard?

He held the shirt with one hand, but still not quite pulling it out of mine. His voice went down to a mere whisper. It was as sexy as any male voice could get.

“It’s perfect" his whisper made every hair on my body stand up. "It doesn’t get anymore perfect than this…" he paused, "...Haya”

His voice transformed me to another planet, where Brad Pitt and George Clooney were average men. I was so fluttered, I couldn’t even react. A couple more minutes passed by with us standing there, only inches apart, as I stared at my watch. I could feel his hand moving somewhere around my head, but I didn’t know what he was doing or what he was trying to reach out for. For a moment, it stopped next to my face, and it felt like he was going to reach for it.

Contrasting Realities 14

2009-01-31T18:25:00.002+03:00

missed you guys ;**

extra long post since i've been away for so long =)

**********************************

It took a lot of effort on my behalf to keep my eyes in their sockets for the next few moments. I sat there with my butter knife in one hand and my toast slice in the other, assuming that my jaw was wide open but still, having no power to close it whatsoever.

“It’ll look nice in your hair. It goes with what you’re wearing” he said, after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

I swallowed loudly.

“So you got this for me?”

“Well, I saved it for you. It came with breakfast actually” he said while pointing to the empty vase on the side of the tray and holding my gaze, making sure his eyes never left mine.

I exhaled deeply. As the air escaped forcefully from my lungs, I felt my heart slow down and the sweat forming on my forehead evaporate. Once more, I regained control over my jaw muscles and closed the entrance to my mouth.

“Thanks” I said with a grateful smile. I wanted to tell him that his sweet little gesture made so much difference in my pathetic excuse of a day. I didn’t though, because it meant that I would have to explain to him why it was a pathetic excuse of a day.

“Let me help you with that” he said, reaching into my hair and fitting it nicely into the side of my head.

“There we go. Yala 3ad, now that you look all pretty, lets get out of here gabl la net2a5ar” he said as he looked back at me, with my now fitted rose. He flashed me one of his smiles.

Was that a twinkle I saw in his eyes?

We walked together down the street leading to university, chatting a little about how gloomy the weather was. Even though I was enjoying his company, that little voice in my head kept telling me that this day wasn’t going to continue running so smoothly. I ignored the feeling, though, as I trotted happily towards the lecture hall.

On our way, I called Layla, who told me that she will be arriving tomorrow afternoon. I was happy to hear that until she told me that she was coming alone because the other couldn’t find any flight reservations. I told her about what had happened with the hotel as well, so she can tell her husband, but he didn’t seem to mind, knowing that we were sharing the suite with M7ammad, his best friend.

Even though we had arrived 15 minutes before the session started, the lecture hall that accommodated 500 people was packed. The only place we managed to find was one big enough for one overweight person. We had no other choice but to squeeze into it, after politely asking everyone to make as much space for us as they could.

I understood the true meaning of the words dangerously close as I sat next to him in that space. Our bodies were practically glued. Every time his arm casually brushed against mine, goosebumps made their way down my spine and throughout my body. It didn’t help at all when he put his arm on the bench behind my back. Since we were squeezed into a very small area, the moment he removed his arm, my body rapidly slid across the space that it had occupied. His arm was now literally around me, though not touching me at all, and fixed on the top of my bench the whole time.

I was relieved when the session was over, and practically jumped out of my seat. Looking around me, though, at the people who couldn’t find a seat and were sitting on the floor, the closeness didn’t seem to matter too much. But even after we got up, his M7 still lingered in my head.

The right side of my body immediately felt cold when I stood, since it was practically lodged into his side when we were seated. I realized I was actually disappointed that I was no longer connected to him physically, telling myself it was because he had kept me warm, but not entirely believing myself. Naturally, I assumed that was why I caught my body involuntarily (and subconsciously) brushing against his as I walked by his side.

This is not going to be a good day…

By the time we finished our sessions and got out registration papers sorted, it was nearly 7pm. We left the university’s campus and headed for lunch (or rather dinner). M7ammad suggested a nice Italian place near Piccadilly, so we took the tube to get there. To my luck, there was some vandalism at the station we’re stopping at, and we were stuck on the train for hours. M7ammad left me to stare at the floor and ceiling while he slept through it all. I was lost in my own chain of thoughts when his head fell on my shoulders while he was asleep. I looked at him.

And I couldn’t take my eyes off him…

Even though I couldn’t see his most striking feature, the absence of his piercing blue eyes added so much serenity to his face. His M7 was now mixed with the fresh minty smell coming out of his hair. He had the most subtle smile on his face. Not a sly one, not a mysterious one – one that you saw on the faces of newborns, when their lips form the faintest curved line. He looked like an angel.

His head was starting to fall off my shoulders to the front. I lightly held it and put it back on, but it fell again. So, once again, I put his head on my shoulder, but this time left my palm on the side of his face to fix it there. A few minutes later, his body sank a little more into my side and his head sank a little more into my shoulder. He lifted his hand and rubbed his eye a little, while his mouth went on chewing what I presumed to be air, before forming a wide smile.

Then, unpreceeded and unannounced, his hand fell from his face onto my thigh.

This is not going to be a good day…

Electric currents zoomed throughout my body, going up and down, left and right, inside and out. I froze and my body became rigid. I stopped breathing. When I could finally gather my thoughts, I looked back at his face to find him still fast asleep. I wanted to move his hand from my thigh, but decided to leave it there because I didn’t want to wake him up and wonder why it was there in the first place. He left me with my own train of thoughts until I woke him up when we had to leave.

We arrived at the restaurant at nearly 10pm, relieved to find that it was still open while the rest of the city lay in dead silence. Our meal was eaten in silence, partly out of exhaustion and partly out of hunger. Before we left the restaurant, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. As I went through the contents of my purse, my hands made it to my phone.

My heart sank when I saw that the only missed call was from my dad and nothing from 3abboud. For some reasons, I made my way to the inbox and read the first message there. The one I got from him this morning. I didn’t realize how emotional I was until I saw a tear fall on my screen. I looked back to the mirror infront of me, and the pained expression on my face just killed me.

This is not going to be a good day…

“Kaifa” I said out loud, “If he wants to be that way, so be it. Ana ma sawwaitla shay” I told myself reassuringly. Somehow, my words made me feel better, and forced the tears in my eyes to dry up. While texting my dad, I forced any thought of him to the back of my head as I stepped out of the bathroom to find M7ammad waiting for me so we can head back to the hotel.

“Shall we?” he said, as he held the door open for me.

We walked back to the underground station, only to find out that it was still closed. Having not found a taxi in sight, we decided to walk until we did. I came to find out that, like me, M7ammad was a big fan of walking, and that he walked for several hours everyday. I, on the other hand, was in severe pain given the 10cm heels I was wearing. But I was enjoying his company too much to complain, even though we were just chit-chatting about nothing in particular. It was soothing to have someone to talk to after the hectic day I’ve had. He was taking my mind off a lot of things that I didn’t want to think about.

After walking for quite a few hours, we realized that we had gotten too close to the hotel. We were amazed at home time flew by while we were wrapped up in our own conversations. Passing by a small grocery store, we decided to buy some drinks until we got back to the hotel. As we were leaving, M7ammad asked the owner for directions back to our hotel. The owner stepped out of the store with M7ammad and towards the street, showing him exactly where to go. Walking behind them, I saw three men outside wanting to step in as well. They stopped in their way, though, and signaled for me to exit before them. Realizing that their breaths reeked of alcohol, I didn’t make any eye contact with them and did as I was told.

Once I was within the narrow doorframe, one of the men quickly stepped up into the narrow entrance, and I felt his entire body against mine. I felt his hands grabbing my butt and squeezing it tightly. He whispered something into my ear as his neck came into contact with mine, but amidst the horror and his thick British accent, the only signals that made their way into my brain were the smell of the alcohol that nauseated me, and his hand still on my bottom.

Even though this whole scenario only lasted the split second that it would take any normal person to step out of a door, time was moving very very slowly. In the beginning, I simply froze, not believing what was happening and not knowing what to do. Then, I prayed to God to just help me move my muscles and get out of that forsaken narrow entrance. When I did regain control over my muscles, I stepped out as fast as I could, violently pushing him away and watching him fall back into the street in the process. The two men behind him had dangerous smiles plastered to their faces, despite the fact that they couldn’t even stand upright while they were drunk.

After I stepped out, I stopped midway in my step. Partly because I was too shocked and frightened, and partly because I didn’t know what to do. Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I felt M7ammad walking towards me. I thought he had found the way, but the closer he got to me, the more I felt angry vibes coming out of him. When he got to where I was, he didn’t stop and continued his way towards the drunken man. When he walked past me though, I felt heat radiating out of his body and I heard him breathing louder and faster.

This is not going to be a good day…

I came back to my senses.

“M7ammad, la tsawy salfa he’s drunk”

“Well, well, well…looks like we’ve got a bunch of Muhammad-loving terrorists down here. Whatcha gonna do, big guy?”

M7ammad’s face turned into the deepest shade of crimson, and I saw his hands turn into fists. I ran over to him and held his hand, pulling him back.

“M7ammad, he’s drunk. Please la tsawy salfa, lets just walk away”

“Entay ma shefty shsawa!!” he yelled, looking at me with eyes that signaled rage. He slipped his hand out of mine. I quickly stepped infront of him and watched the sweat flowing down his face like it was a river.

“M7ammad, look at me. Just let it go. Tekfa, please just let it go” I said, looking into his deep blue eyes.

“Haya, mo mn 9ijich!! Ana ma agdar asket 3la hal ma95ara” he screamed while looking directly into my eyes. He was scaring me.

“What’s the matter, Muhammed? Need somebody to hold us down, now do we?”

I felt his entire body shake, even though I was standing quite a distance away from him. His face became redder, and his eyes looked menacing. His now-fisted hands were rising, as if in slow motion, and making their way to the drunken man’s face.

“M7ammad tekfa 3shany” I begged him with tears flowing down my face.

Upon hearing my breaking voice, his fist took a detour and collided with the wall that the drunken man was leaning against, only centimeters away from his face. I was breathing heavily and tears were streaming down my face. The taunting expression on the drunken man’s face disappeared when he saw the indentation of M7amamd’s fist in the wall, and the blood mixing with the cement as he pulled his fist away.

I pulled some tissue out of my purse and slowly, even hesitantly, walked towards M7ammad. I put my arm around his, and put my other hand on his fist, trying to pull it into the tissue. It was difficult to move it though – his entire body seemed to be molded in that position.

This is not going to be a good day…

“M7ammad walk with me. Yala please tekfa. Tra ga3d t3awerly eedy M7ammad”

It took a while for his body to follow through with his arm that I was holding. I felt his tense muscles and his hot body. I could even feel his rapid pulse with my arms wrapped so tightly against his. As we walked away, I tried to make conversation to calm him down, but in the back of my head, I was just praying that the night would end at this. He never replied to me; he just kept walking forward with his fist still clenched in the tissue paper in my palm.

I had lost all sensation of time and place when he suddenly stopped in the middle of an empty street.

“Shit! Haya you’re shaking like a leaf!”

I snapped back to reality to realize that both my hands were still wrapped tightly around his arm that his suit jacket was now creased. I could even feel the indentation I left on his arm underneath his shirt. When I loosened my grip, I realized I wasn’t just shaking, I was practically vibrating.

“Wayhech mafee loun. You’re as pale as a ghost!” he said in a panicking voice.

I suddenly burst into tears. I don’t know why it came now, but it was like the pickle on the top of the giant crap sandwich that was my day.

“I don’t like drunk people! I dont like racist people! I don’t like people eli kil youm eb 7al! I don’t understand why everything has to keep going wrong for me. I just want today to ymer 3la 5air. Is that too much to ask? Why cant today just simply be over? Tell me am I asking for a lot?!” I said in a high pitched tone - the high pitched tone that I use when my frustration exceeds its limits. I wept and wept and wept, feeling my make-up running across my face and not caring. I just wanted to cry.

“Shhhhhh...its gonna be okay. I know its been a very tough day for you. I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be okay” he said, as he took me into his arms and held me tight. I cried on his shoulders for what seemed like an eternity. I knew this had nothing to do with today. It was about my confusion with 3abboud, my worry about Dr. Nasser, Rana’s attitude and the new side of M7ammad I was seeing. It was like a big cocktail of feelings. Things were piling up and I was simply too overwhelmed to know how to act.

When the sobbing finally stopped, I pulled away from M7ammad’s arms and looked at the wet part on his jacket that contained all my tears. Realizing what had just happened, I looked to the ground in shame. He pulled my chin up with one hand, and gently wiped my tears with the other. He smiled; a happy smile. This time, he held it there, giving me a chance to take it all in. I couldn’t stop staring at his face that was lit up so beautifully by the simple curve of his lips.

Just like I thought the first time I saw it, it took my breath away.

“I wanna see your beautiful smile. Tra ma buga shay belyoom; cham sa3a oo e5ale9 oo bacher nabdy youm ydeed” he said ever-so-gently.

Tears continued running down my face.

“Yala 3ad la yshoofch a7ad mn elshareka al7en oo tfashleenna” he said, imitating Dr. Nasser’s voice.

I laughed a little. I tasted my tears as my mouth parted.

“3afya 3laich. Don’t worry Haya, everything will be okay”. Saying that, he put my head on his shoulder and his head on top of mine. He then wrapped his arms around me so tightly that it actually hurt, and we started walking again. As I sunk my head into his chest, I felt safe and protected for the first time today. We walked back to the hotel like that in silence.

When we got to the suite’s door, he removed his arms from around me to open the door. I suddenly felt cold, even though we were indoors. Even after we entered, I felt like there was something missing with his arms not around me. I felt vulnerable.

“Are you feeling better now?” he said, looking at me, and giving me his real smile again. It was even more captivating now that I saw it in the light. It was strange to see it twice in the same day.

“Ee much.”

“Tabeen takleen shay?”

“La2 7addy ta3bana…I think I’ll just sleep”

“7atan ana wayed ta3ban. Its been a long hectic day, hasn’t it?”

I nodded.

“Tabeen shay?”

“Salamtik”

“Allah ysalmich. T9b7een 3la 5air.”

Even though I entered my room with a million thoughts in my head, I could swear I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.

With a huge smile on my face too…

Contrasting Realities 13

2009-01-17T00:52:00.006+03:00

I know I'm supposed to be away, bs here's another post! =D

I know its not too long, but its the best I could do given my hectic schedule =\

3ad halmarra 9ij I'm gonna be away for a while =\

See you in 2 weeks I guess =(

I'll miss you guys ;**

**********************************

I looked deep into my eyes in the reflection, and spoke to myself.

“No crying Haya. Ma7ad yestahal dmoo3ich. La tabcheen”

This is not going to be a good day…

“May5alef, it wont be a good day, bs hamm ma ra7 nabchy..shino entay awwal wa7da ymer 3aleha a bad day? Wla hatha your first bad day aslan?”

I knew I made sense, but I still couldn’t fight any of the tears flowing from my eyes. Every time I remembered 3abdallah’s tone of voice and his harsh words, I cried more. Every time I remembered how much I missed my 3abboudy, I cried more. Every time I looked up at my face in the mirror, and saw the pain in my eyes, I cried more.

And every time I saw myself crying more, I cried more...

After what seemed like an eternity, I somehow managed to stop crying. Even though I kept telling myself it was because I finally could gather up all my strength, I knew deep down inside that it was because I ran out of tears. Realizing that I was staring into space, I looked at my face to see that the only item of make-up that I had applied this morning, my mascara, was forming millions of blotches around my puffy eyes and irregular streams across my face.

Even when I tried to give myself an encouraging smile, I couldn’t. My skin was too stiff to move owing to the droplets, salt and mascara that lay dry on top of it.

I forced the smile through, though. Watching the scales peel off my face, I felt like I could break through this ugly day, just like I managed to break the dry film on my skin. Feeling a tiny hint of optimism, I skipped to the bathroom and washed my face with hot water, then lightly dabbed it dry. Taking out my make-up kit, I opted for adding a little more make-up around my eyes to hide my red, swollen eyes. For even more camouflage, I released my loose bun and finger-brushed my hair with my head upside down. When I put my head back up, my long brown curls fell on my grey jacket, hiding the wet black spots that had formed on it.

Something’s still missing…

I paced around the bathroom for a while, trying to recollect whatever it is that I was looking for. Then, it clicked.

I ran back to the room and opened my bag. I ran my hand through it left and right, until my palm felt the velvety texture of the cold bottle. I took it out and, unlike my usual habit, heavily sprayed the Deep Red by Hugo on my clothes, my hair, and lastly, the nape of my neck. I took a deep breath, allowing my favorite perfume to fill every last piece of my lungs.

Carefully, I placed my laptop bag on my shoulder and headed to the door. Before I walked out, though, I looked at myself in the mirror. My now lit-up face and my flowing hair, combined with the confident smile I gave myself, made me feel like I was on top of the world as I stepped out of my room.

M7ammad was sitting on the sofa, with breakfast on the table where our legs were the night before. He was nicely dressed in a navy blue suit, a baby blue shirt and a silk tie the same color as his eyes. He looked like he’s just walked off a catwalk.

I was still angry at him, and I made sure my face said it all. Without looking at him, I headed for the door of the suite.

“Haya?”

I turned around not saying anything. I was giving him the silent treatment. My eyes gave him the shtabee look, but my heart was skipping beats as I silently drooled over the CK model sitting on the sofa in my suite.

“I ordered breakfast”

“Thanks maby” I said and started turning again towards the door.

“Bs I ordered for you”

“I didn’t ask you to” I replied rudely.

He got up to his feet and walked towards me. The suit accentuated his tall, well-built physique. The colors accentuated his eyes. He was wearing another one of his smiles. He stood infront of me.

Possibly a little too close…

He took a deep breath and, if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve though he was taking in my smell.

But I knew better…

“I’m sorry about this morning. I know I was very rude, bs wallah I’m always like this when I wake up”

I continued looking into his eyes, not flinching.

“I’m not trying to justify myself and I know it’s not an excuse, bs I just wanted to apologize for my behavior”

His apology seemed sincere, but I wasn’t going to let him go that easily. He needs to realize that there are limits. Just because I asked him to stay here doesn’t mean I’m his slave now.

“Oo etha tadree ena you’re like that, why did you ask me to wake you up? Why didn’t you set your alarm? I don’t understand ya3ny, you knew you’re gonna be rude to me if I woke you up, bs you asked me to do it anyway?”

“No, its not like that. I thought I’d wake up 3la6ool; I didn’t realize I was so tired. I was afraid I’d oversleep. Oo honestly, waking up because of an alarm is very impersonal and just ruins my day. I’d rather a human being woke me up. Does that explain to you why I never show up to work early?”

I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my face.

“Zain, bs la t3eed’ha please”

“I promise I won’t" he said giving me a wide smile that displayed his flawless pearly teeth, "Now yallah, lets have breakfast 3shan yamdeena nro7 oo la net2a5ar”

He took the laptop bag off my shoulder and placed it on the floor next to the sofa. Just like last night, we sat infront of the TV, except there was butter, jam and toast instead of the burger and salad. M7ammad handed me a slice of toast and placed a coffee mug infront of me.

“Sugar?”

“Two please”

He leaned over to get the sugar from the far end of the table. I put some butter on my toast, and tried to spread it. It was too difficult to do that though; the butter and toast were too cold and, now, hard. As I squeezed the knife deeper into the toast, it started breaking in my hands and falling on my skirt and the floor. A shred of butter slowly started melting on my skirt, leaving a tiny pin-head stain on it.

This is not going to be a good day…

Realizing that there was no time for me to change into anything else, I quickly brushed the bread crumbs away from my skirt and onto the floor before more butter stains made their way through. I let out a sigh of relief when I couldn’t even tell where the tiny stain was now that the bread crumbs were gone.

Silently swearing at the stupid toast and butter that ruined my outfit, I finally looked up from the bread crumb-filled floor.

M7ammad’s outstretched hand was holding a freshly picked red rose and handing it to me.

This is not going to be a good day…

Contrasting Realities 12

2009-01-10T22:50:00.006+03:00

Another long post! =)

I wont be posting for a while because I have exams =(

soooo

READ IT SLOWLY! ;)

**********************************

The dark, gloomy sky made it very difficult for me to wake up the following day. With Dr. Nasser’s words in the back of my head, though, I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed, in fears of being late for what I was here for.

I walked towards the window and looked at the outside world. The streets were wet and the sun was nowhere to be seen. The only signs of life were the moving tree branches, owing to the cold lifeless wind shuffling through them.

This is not going to be a good day…

The room was silent except for the sound of my breathing and the shuffle of my walking. I walked out into the living room to find the suite in pin-drop silence. I headed towards M7ammad’s room and eavesdropped for a few moments. All I could hear was the sound of my breath.

It was 8.10 and he hadn’t woken up yet, which only meant one thing.

I had to wake him up.

I don’t really like waking people up…

I knocked on the door.

“M7ammad…”

“M7ammad…”

“M7ammad…”

Nothing.

Zain oo b3dain?

I knocked harder.

“M7ammad…wake up”

Nothing.

I knocked harder and more often. I was getting irritated. Why doesn’t he have an alarm set?

“M7ammad yala 3ad!! Warana she’3l!! We need to go oo ra7 net2a5ar chithee!”. My voice was loud and high pitched. Combined with the continuous knocking, I was starting to give myself a headache.

I finally heard some movements inside the room. Actually, I just heard the bed sqeaking. It was a good sign, nonetheless. It meant that he wasn’t dead.

I knocked harder and screamed louder, more irritated.

“M7ammad yalla! Ma 9arat! I’m starting to get a headache oo ent lel7een kil hatha ma teg3ad?”

“Mmmmmm”

“Shino?”

“kaa shm mmmm”

“M7ammad shet5arbe6?! I cant understand anything!”

Silence.

“M7ammad! Tekfa la tyaneny please!”

“Kaani kaani”. I could barely make out what he was saying.

“Ge3adt?”

“Eee kaani”. His voice became lower and more muffled once more.

“M7ammad mo tnam mara thanya! I’m going to go take a shower oo etha ma kint ga3ed by the time I’m done, baroo7 broo7y!”

“Yuba ga3ed wallah…bs 5alas thelfay…9ar feeny 9da3 bsebetich”

Thelfay?
9da3??
bsebetich??

“Elsharha 3ly eny a9lan ga3da aga3dk!” I exclaimed before angrily stomping off to my room.

I got into the shower feeling anger radiating from my entire body. Didn’t he ask me to wake him up? Didn’t I try waking him up nicely? Wasn’t he the one who wouldn’t freaking bulge? If I didn’t feel funny about walking into his room, I would’ve spilled some ice-cold water on his face right there and then.

I suddenly and abruptly pulled away from the water, feeling a sharp painful sensation covering my entire body. Seconds later, that sensation proved itself to be pain. Burning pain. Standing there and thinking about how rude M7ammad was to me, I had been standing underneath the hot water for a while now, forgetting to turn on the cold water.

The little voice in my head didn’t understand why I was so surprised though. After all, if I didn’t expect this kind of attitude coming out of M7ammad, then who would it come out of? Surely after last night, I thought I had been too tough on the guy and was even starting to think I had the wrong image of him in my head all this time, but he fortified the world-revolves-around-me attitude today to new extents I didn’t think possible.

I should’ve let him sleep on the streets…

After my shower, I changed into a crimson pencil skirt and its matching grey jacket suit. I put my hair up in a loose bun, allowing a few strands to flow freely around my face and applied only the most basic of makeup. While putting on my heels, I started setting the contents of my bag and came across my mobile.

8 Missed calls.

3abboud (8)

3 New Messages.

From: 3abboud
7amdella 3asalama 7beebty ;**
I was worried sick about you ams =(
I’m sorry I fell asleep, bs mn kithr ma kint a7ateech, 7assait nafsy bayen!
Oo ra8am M7ammad mo 3ndy, ma gedart adeg 3aleh!
Call me when you wake up
ps: I miss you wayed

From: Dad
7amdella 3asalama =)
3abboud called me this morning oo told me about your message. Was really worried about you ams. Call us when you get the chance
ps: ommich msawya ma2sa bl bait cz you’re not here ;)

From: 3abboud
Lel7een ma ge3adty?
9a7 elnoum, sleepy-head! ;Pp
Call me!

From: 3abboud
Yallllaaaaah Haya ge3day!

I dialed his number, this time yearning to hear his voice.

“Hayaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. He screamed so loudly that I had to pull the phone away from my ear.

“Please don’t tell me you did that in your office infront of everyone”

He laughed.

“laa laa ana blsayara mzareg mn eldawam…shlonich yal ga63aaaa! I miss you wayed!”

“Ma medany aroo7 a9lan! Shlon medak you miss me?” I teased him.

“Laish? You don’t miss me ya3ny?”

“La2” I lied. I missed him like crazy.

“Chathaba! Cham marra agoolich loo bt’chathbeen, chathbay 3adel or goolay el9ij akramlch”

“I still don’t miss you…not even shwaya”

“I still don’t believe you. So, how’s London? How’s M7ammad?”

“London is cool, bs M7ammad ylawe3 elchabd!”

“Laiiiish bs 7beebty, sh9ar? Entaw mo kil wa7ed eb 7ala?”

I told him about the reservations and how I was stuck sharing a suite with M7ammad. I told him how I was starting to like M7ammad after yesterday, but how, after today, all I wanted to do was now choke him and watch till his face turned the same color as his eyes.

He was generally very supportive, telling me I’ve made the right decision by asking him to stay, and asking me to be patient with his attitude problems until the others arrived tomorrow.

Until I told him that I passed out the night before. That’s when he flipped out.

“Entay mn 9ijich?! Haya may9eer chithee! This is why I should’ve been there with you! Ballah 9ar feech shay, shino kan ra7 e9eer 7azzat’ha? Who would’ve taken care of you?”

Listening to him practically screaming on the phone, I decided to omit the part where M7ammad carried me and took care of me. Partly because I wanted him to believe he was the only person who took care of me, but mostly because I didn’t want him to get a good impression about M7ammad.

“3abboud ma 9ar shay. It was nothing serious as always. I just overreacted oo I’m fine now”

“Shino ya3ny overreacted?! Shino ya3ny fine now? Kan elmafrooth ayee weyach bs killa bsebat rasech elyabes hatha”. Once again, I had to remove the phone from my ears. This time, though, it was because he was screaming so loudly.

“3abboud la t9are5 please. Ana feeny eli mkafeeny oo mo nag9a. Please la tzeed 3ly. I'm already having a crappy day.”

“Shino ya3ny mo nag9a? Tabeeny asma3 ena entay 9ar feech shay oo ana mo weyach oo agool ok? What do you want me to do Haya?”

“3abboud please calm down. La t9are5 3ly chithee, zain?”

“Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do, Haya. Don’t you even think about telling me about what I can and can’t do. Bas tadreen shino? Elsharha mo 3laich entay, elsharha 3ly ana. Ana m36eech wayh zyada 3an elezoom”

His loud voice piercing my eardrums didn’t cause any significant pain as compared to his harsh words that felt like daggers through my heart.

But even those daggers felt like nothing compared to the feeling that crept up on me when I heard the line go dead.

His anger was justified.

That's not what ripped me apart and killed me from the inside.

It was the first time he had ever gotten mad at me. It was the first time he had ever raised his voice at me. It was the first time he had ever hung up on me.

I looked at my face in the mirror. No matter how much I tried to hold them back, tears started flowing from my eyes and fell down on my face and on my grey jacket, turning its color underneath them into black. I’ve only been awake for less than an hour, and I was already on bad terms with my roommate and my fiancée to-be.

This is not going to be a good day…

Contrasting Realities 11

2009-01-05T22:02:00.004+03:00

SUPER LONG POST AHEAD! ;)

Hope you enjoy!

Mat3oob 3aleh tra! ;)

**********************************

“French kiss…the movie…Meg Ryan…tawwk marrait 3aleha on channel 2” I clarified.

What the hell was he thinking?

“Oh, I haven’t seen that before” he said, blinking quickly and shifting his eyes away from mine, returning them to the TV. “Is it any good?”

“It’s a really nice movie, bs its kind of a chick flick, so I doubt you’ll enjoy it”

“There’s nothing else on TV, so why don’t we watch it? Atleast I’ll get to know what your taste in movies is like. I’m finding out a lot of new things about you today Haya”

“Ee wallah…same here”

“Are they all bad?”

“Not nearly half as bad as I thought actually” I said, giving him a wide smile.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“I think so…I mean, everyone knows I highly dislike you, but you’ve been proving me wrong today”. I made sure I kept the smile on my face.

“Ahhhhh! I’m not all that bad wallah. You just need to get to know me better” he said, giving me another one of his smiles.

“I guess hatha eli ga3d y9eer now” I said.

He was just about to say something we heard a knock on the door, signaling that the food was here. He walked towards the door and I turned my attention to the movie. Moments later, he came back with a tray in his hands.

“Btakleen hnee?”

“Ya3ny ent shrayek?” I teased.

He set the tray down and threw his tired body onto the seat next to me, missing my lap only by a few inches. Then, he handed me my salad and, before touching his burger, politely offered me some.

“Laa thanks maby”

“Are you sure?”

“ee bl3afya 3alaik…I would offer you some of my salad bs a7esek bt6egny”

“Bl3aks I’m a big salad fan”

“9ij? Then 7ayyak!” I said enthusiastically, ashamed about not offering him any.

“Bs they only have one fork”

“You can use mine…3ady ma tloo3 chabdy” I said, still feeling guilty about how rude I was earlier.

He took a bite of my salad, then let out a little moan of delight.

“You have excellent taste” he said as he enjoyed my salad.

We sat there, side by side, making silly comments throughout the movie and laughing at the funny parts. When the commercials came on, he excused himself to go to the bathroom, and came back minutes later with a blanket.

“Mo bardana?”

“Ya3ny shway”

He put the blanket over me and my legs that were now outstretched on the coffee table. Then, he started moving again.

“Thanks...bs wain raye7?”

“Bayeebly blanket ana ba3ad bardan”

He went into the room again and got another blanket. While trying to fix his blanket over himself as he sat, somehow my long brown locks became tangled with his big steel Armani watch.

I screamed.

“Aww Aww Aww!! M7ammad M7ammad eeedkkkkk”

He looked over to see my head pulled in the direction of his outstretched hand, with my hair wrapped around his wrist.

“Ambaih Haya I’m soo sorry” he said, his hand suddenly becoming as rigid as a pipe.

I tried to turn my head to untangle the watch, but my hair wasn’t that long.

“Entay hold still bas..i’ll fix it”

For the next 15 minutes or so, my head was pulled to the right infront of my body, while he tried to untangle it.

“M7ammad just cut it! Its not a big strand anyway”

“Laa laa I’ll fix it entay bas hold still”

“Thahry 3awarny mn hal hold still wallah” I said through alot of neck and back pain.

“Choofay, ana I untangled most of it. There are a couple more that I think I can undo, bs I think I’m gonna have to come out a few single hairs. That’s better than cutting out a whole lock 9a7?”

A few more minutes later, he spoke once again, on top of Kevin Kline’s voice still playing in the background.

“Yeeby eedch”

“Huh?” I inquired, but did as I was told anyway.

He pulled my palm towards him and put his watch that he had taken off inside it.

“Meskay hathee…baroo7 adawer scissors bl drawers akeed ako sewing kit eb mkan hnee”

He checked in the drawers under the TV cabinet and found one. He came back and sat on the floor on both knees, taking his watch from my palm in the process. Carefully, he cut each tangled hair out. I could feel each strand becoming loose. When he was done, his fingers pulled the hair, that was now infront of my face and tucked it gently behind my ear.

“As good as new”. With his fingers still behind me ear, he used the bottom of his palm to push my head to its normal position on top of my head. My neck gave a loud crack as he did.

He laughed, and removed his hand.

“ee eth7ak ba3ad…that was painful” I said, irritated and a little self-conscious.

“Just rest it against the back of the sofa shway while you’re watching the movie, oo you’ll feel better by the time its over”

I did as I was told and we continued to watch the movie, falling silent towards the ending at the sad part. When it finished, I stretched with a huge smile on my face, surprised to find that my neck was flexible again. I looked at M7ammad to find him fast asleep next to me.

I shook his shoulder lightly.

“M7ammad goum nam da5el 3shan la y3awrk thahrk bacher”

“Ee ee” he said, turning over to my side of the sofa with his eyes still closed.

“M7ammad nam da5el…mo nam el9ob elthany” I said, keeping the tone of my voice only a little higher than a whisper. I didn’t want to wake him up.

He opened his eyes, and looked at me. A wide smile made its way to his face. A wide happy smile that is. It was the first time I’ve seen one of those from M7ammad’s lips, and even though it only made an appearance for a spilt second, it was forever imprinted in my head.

It was…breathtaking…to say the least.

“I missed the movie?”

“I don’t know at which part I lost you” I giggled. “I told you that you wouldn’t like it. It’s a girly movie”

“Hey! I liked what I saw…and if I wasn’t so exhausted from today, I would’ve seen it all” he said defensively.

“Zain yala goum 5al nam…tomorrow is going to be a long day. We need to be on campus by 9am”

“Haya bs weddy a6lb mnch 6alab, 3ady?" he said in a shy voice. It souded adorable coming out of him.

"Ee akeed shda3wa?"

"Please ga3deeny etha ma ge3adt by 8...a5af I oversleep”

“Inshallah”

He wished me goodnight before we entered our rooms. It was 11pm, and I realized I hadn’t heard from 3abboudy all day. I reached into my purse and switched on my phone.

13 New Messages

From: 3abboud
I miss you already…its only been a few hours =(
eldeera tlawe3 elchabd without you =(

From: 3abboud
7amdella 3asalama 7beebty ;**
How’s London?

From: 3abboud
Lel7een ma we9altaw?

From: 3abboud
Hayooo sh9ayer? Wainkom kil hatha?!

From: missU
You have 6 missed calls from: +96512345678 (3abboud)

From: Dad
Shlon London? Mukanich mbayen 7beebty ;**

From: 3abboud
Hayooo wainich?! Tra ana bedait a7ateech =(
Please sms me or call me as soon as you can

From: missU
You have 5 missed calls from: +96512345678 (3abboud)
You have 2 missed calls from: +96587654321 (Dad)
You have 1 missed call from: +96512121212 (Layla)

From: Layla
7amdella 3asalama =)
tried calling you but your phone was off
did Rana tell you about the new arrangements?

From: Dad
Haya 7beebty sh9ayer? Laish lel7een jehazich mu’3la8? 6amneeny 3laich 7beebty.

From: missU
You have 18 missed calls from: +96512345678 (3abboud)

From: 3abboud
Haya no matter what time it is, please get back to me as soon as you can. I’m worried sick about you. I checked with the airline oo your plane landed ages ago, laish your phone is off?

From: 3abboud
Haya ana ga3ed na6rch oo ma ra7 anam…call me when you see this oo don’t text me 3shan asma3a…I’m waiting zain?!

That last message gave him away. He was starting to fall asleep, and he set his phone to 7beebty ;** profile that only alerted him to calls from me. He never put his phone at night on silent incase I needed something, but also made sure no one else woke him up from his beauty sleep.

I smsed him just to make sure, though.

Hala 3abboudy ;**
There were a few problems hnee oo I kinda got caught up with everything here and forgot to switch my phone on. I’m so sorry 7beeby, I’ll explain later inshallah. Will call you when I get a chance, so please don’t worry if I don’t pick up. Plz 6ammen dad cz he’s worried too. I miss you like hell =(
Sweet dreams =)

Sure enough, he didn’t reply. I fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would end up being a better day.

Whether it was or wasn’t is up to you to decide...

Contrasting Realities 10

2009-01-01T15:05:00.004+03:00

Dear Readers,

Just wanted to wish you wonderful new year ;**

May it be filled with more joy and love than you can handle ;)

**********************************

When I opened my eyes, it took me a few moments to register where I was. I looked outside and saw that the sky was now dark. I sunk underneath my blanket and stretched my muscles.

How did I end up here?

As I started getting out of bed, everything slowly came back to me. Rana, british bitch, the hotel reservations and M7ammad.

A rollercoaster of feelings came back with the thought of M7ammad. A lot of admiration with a hint of disdain. A lot of gratitude with a hint of agitation. A lot of lust with a hint of fondness.

Wait – what?

Nooo nooo nooo!

Lust is bad, Haya!

I shook my head left and right, mentally dropping that last thought out of it.

I looked at the table next to the bed, and saw that the water bottle was still there. Feeling my strength come back to me, I got out of bed and walked outside the closed door of the room. The suite outside was quiet and untouched, except for the luggage that was neatly placed next to the door of the suite. The door to the other room in the suite was closed. I called M7ammad’s name a few times, but there was no answer.

Having not found my purse along with the luggage, I decided to go back to the lobby and look for it. Once I got there, I walked towards the sofa in the corner where M7ammad and I were talking earlier.

I found my purse alright. M7ammad held it tightly in his arms as he sat up sleeping on the sofa. I sat on the chair next to him, hoping he would wake up, but he didn’t move. He looked exhausted.

“M7ammad…”

“M7ammad goum…”

He turned in the chair a bit, and held on to my bag tighter. I put my hand on his shoulder and gently shook him.

“M7ammad goum nam foug”

He opened his eyes and looked at me.

“Haya…”

“Hala?”

He opened his eyes wider. Then, he rubbed them and stretched a little.

“How are you feeling now?” he said in a slumberous voice.

“El7amdellah much better”

“Are you sure? How’s the headache?”

“It’s gone el7amdella…”

I thought about what he said for a few moments.

“Wait a minute – how did you know about the headache?”

“You told me you had a very bad headache…7ata geltlch I get you Panadol gelty la2”

“I don’t remember any of that hehe”

“I don’t blame you. You were in a pretty bad shape. 5ara3teeny Haya…wallah I didn’t know what to do oo 7addy twahagt”

“I’m really sorry I had to put you through all that. I just tend to overreact when I’m angry. What else did I say?”

“Madree you said a lot of things that didn’t make sense to me, so 6awwaft’hom”

He leaned forward and I heard his bones crack.

“Zain oo laish nayem hnee? Ako suite kamel fathy foug”

“I didn’t want to make you feel awkward ya3ny, oo its only been a few hours anyway, don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine”

I was impressed. That was very unexpected of him. Who knew a gentleman lay beneath that exterior?

“I really appreciate that M7ammad. It was very thoughtful of you. Bs ham may9eer tnam chithee ya3ny choof al7en you’ll be in pain the whole day”

“Mo mohem ana al7en Haya…elmohem entay. You’re okay now?”

“Yea…as long as I don’t get angry, I’m fine” I said as I gave him a wide smile.

He turned my direction, and gave me a strange laugh.

“Zain, I have some not so good news for you, bs maby agoolch oo t3a9been, ok?”

“Erm...I’ll try?”

“The hotel is fully booked”, he said, choosing his words carefully.

“Enzaiiin” I said patiently.

“Oo I asked around in the hotels nearby, oo they’re all fully booked as well”

“Okay”

“So ana kint ban6rch lain teg3deen 3shan a6amman 3laich, oo b3dain I’ll go check in other hotels that are further away, oo b3dain me and the guys can take the tube to the campus”

“Shda3wa tra elsalfa ma te7taj kil hatha, you guys just stay with us mako shay”

“Haya I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or put you in an awkward situation. Don’t worry about me and the guys, we’ll be fine”

“I’ll take it personally if you guys go anywhere else. Ana ma artha tetbahdaloon over formalities chithee. E7na 3yal deera wa7da oo we’re not kids ya3ny. Plus, its the same arrangement we wanted except that we share a kitchen and a living room. Mafeeha shay”

“Haya look. I know you don’t exactly like me very much, oo I don’t wanna impose myself on you“

“Whether I like you or not has nothing to do with this situation M7ammad. Ent tetwa8a3 ena just because I don’t like you mathalan, I’ll let you sleep on the streets?”

“Bs ana maby- “

“M7ammad, elmawthoo3 mentehy” I said firmly.

He fell quiet for a few moments.

“Zain oo Layla?”

“You’re her husband’s best friend. I know she won’t mind, trust me.”

“5alas then as you please”

We headed to the suite together, discussing what we should have for dinner along the way. Given the fact that we were both too tired to move, we settled for room service. Each of us went into our rooms to change and shower.

After my shower, I put on a baby-blue Juicy Couture training suit and started drying my hair. I heard M7ammad’s muffled voice over the roaring blow-dryer and I turned it off.

“Shino?” I yelled back so he can hear me from behind my room’s closed door.

“Shino btakleen?” I could barely hear what he was saying.

Forgetting to tame my hair, I stepped out of my room and into the living room where he was sitting in the middle of the only sofa infront of the TV. He was wearing a GAP sweatshirt over tracksuit pants. His casual look only managed to add to his charisma.

“If I looked like this laman I showed up to work yesterday, then laish Nasser ye6anaz 3ly? Shfee the just-out-of-bed look?” he said, giving me one of his sly smiles again. I realized that it was the first time he’d seen me dressed casually.

“Because you looked a lot worse than this” I teased, while quickly combing my hair with my fingers.

“Zain shino btakleen?”

“Shino 3ndhom?”

“Ta3alay look at the menu” he said, as he got up from the sofa and sat on the floor.

“Oo laish halga3da ballah?”

“3shan entay ta5theen ra7tech blga3da”

I couldn't decide whether the tone of his voice was nervous or awkward. Knowin M7ammad, though, I realized that only a very few settings made him nervous. So I figured that he was just feeling awkward and he didn't know how to act in this setting.

“Goum eg3ad zain? La tnarfezny oo t5aleeny I make you sleep on the streets” I said jokingly, trying to make him feel more comfortable.

“Zain zain…la t6egeeny bas” he said, getting up to his feet and sitting at the opposite end of the sofa, as far away from me as possible. “I think I gonna have a burger”

“Ana mo wayed yo3ana…I think I’ll just have a salad”

He ordered our food, then started channel-surfing the TV while we waited for it to arrive. When he was done with all channels, he started over again from channel 1, still staring at the TV in silence.

“French kiss?”

“I beg your pardon?!” he said in a very confused tone of voice, that might have been a little hostile even. He turned his expressionless face towards me and looked me straight in the eye.

Contrasting Realities 9

2008-12-28T22:07:00.005+03:00

M7 by Yves Saint Laurent.

I could recognize it anywhere. Even when I was unconscious.

I opened my eyes and the very first thing I saw was M7ammad’s face as pale as Casper’s. Apprehension filled his piercing blue eyes. The brown M7 bottle was in one of his hands, and the other was supporting my head that was lying on his thigh. His lips were moving, but I couldn’t hear anything for a few moments.

My hearing slowly came back to me.

“Haya…Haya reddy 3ly”

“M7ammad…”

“Haya…can you hear me?”

I tried to move my head to get up, but his grip tightened. He put the M7 bottle on the floor and put his hand on my cheek.

“Haya…Haya can you hear me?”

“Ee ee kany mako shay” my baby voice said.

I looked around to see lots of people gathered around me. Cold british bitch was also there, her face nearly as pale as M7ammad’s.

The moment I saw her face, I instantly knew what had happened. I had fainted out of anger again. I was generally a calm person, but once I lost my cool, there was no going back. I had visited several doctors about this, who all came to the conclusion that I simply had exaggerated response to anger. Apparently, it was quite a common problem, so all they did was advice me to try and control my anger, as well as not bottle up my feelings. No matter how much I tried, though, I could never do that last one.

I tried to get up. M7ammad gave me his one hand, and supported my back with the other.

A man in the crowd spoke.

“Miss, are you okay?”

You mean apart from the throbbing headache that will split my head up into pieces? I thought.

“Yeah yeah I’m gonna be fine, don’t worry”

“Would you like us to call a doctor or an ambulance to take you to the hospital?” said cold british bitch. Her concerned tone of voice forced me to drop the bitch part from her nickname.

“No, no. I’m gonna be fine. This has happened to me before. I know how to deal with it. I just need to relax for a while”

“Are you sure?” said someone else from the crowd.

“Yeah yeah. Don’t worry.”

The people started clearing the scene slowly. The cold british receptionist kneeled down to M7ammad and whispered in his ears, handing him a key in the process. When they cleared the place, I got up to my feet with M7ammad’s help. Once I was on my feet, I tried walking, but my legs couldn’t contain me. I was too weak.

“Zain ge3day erta7y shway”

“Laa laa I’m fine…I just need to –“

My muscles were becoming weaker and weaker and they wouldn’t support my weight anymore. I was losing my balance. In a split second, M7ammad put one of his arms underneath my knees and the other underneath my back and literally swept me off my feet.

“May9eer chithee! You’re stressing yourself out too much. I’m taking you upstairs so you can get some sleep”

“M7ammad I can walk ma feeny shay”

“Haya, no arguments please” His voice was shaking ever-so-slightly.

He carried me all the way to the elevator and into the suite, with the concierge following him with our luggage.

Awkward? Yes.

Comfortable? You have no idea.

I had never noticed before that M7ammad’s tall figure was well-built. The ease with which he carried me was impressive. With my arms around his neck, and me in his arms entering through the suite’s door, any girl in my position melt to the ground instantly. I had to remind myself how much I disliked this guy, but as much as I tried, why I hated him just wouldn’t come back to me.

His M7 filled my every last one of my five senses.

My feelings were quickly getting the best of me, and I was too weak to fight them.

He entered the double bedroom, and laid me on the bed, gently taking off my shoes and covering me with the blanket. I was still weak, but there were too many things to take care of and my mind was on overdrive mode. I had to keep moving.

“Abeech tnameen shway oo terta7ain”

“M7ammad I’m fine ma feeny shay wallah”. My voice was weak from between the throbs in my head. It felt like a construction yard up there.

“Haya please…ana wala mara 6labt mnch shay, so please la tredeeny eb awwal 6alab a6leba mnch”

“Bs ana –“

“Please Haya”.This time, the tremor in his voice was more pronounced.

I sighed. I was too tired to argue.

“Enzain”

As my anger subsided, all that was left was the muscle weakness, the headache and an overwhelming feeling of dizziness - the latter increasing by the second. My eyes were trying to follow M7ammad as he wandered around the room, saying something that I couldn’t quite grasp.

After a few minutes, he came back to the bed with a bottle of water in his hands. He placed it by my side.

“Merta7a?”

“Ee”

“Tabeen shay thany?”

“Mmmm”

I heard his words, but I had no energy to move my tongue and reply to them. Then his image left my eyes as I closed them. He said something else, but all I heard were incomprehendable mumbles. I fell asleep.

But I could swear I felt a kiss on my head before I did.

I guess I started dreaming earlier than I thought…

Contrasting Realities 8

2008-12-24T17:44:00.002+03:00

“Haya…tra….”

“Haya...yala…”

“Haya…we’re here already”

“Mabyyy…bs banam”

Silence.

“Haya, we’re here”

“Mabyyyy bs banam” I said, as I made my head comfortable in its position. I sunk into my pillow a bit more.

Silence.

“Haya we need to go”

“Mabyyyyy”

“Ya7lailech etwanseen!”

Wait a minute…who said that?

I opened my eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the bright lights. The first thing I saw was the rain stained window infront of me and the white building through that.

Still not fully awake, I stretched my neck and spine, feeling a little crack as I did. But the crack sounded a bit muffled, not as loud as I usually hear it. Like I was resting against something soft, not a seat full of air.

I looked up, and that’s when I was speechless.

My head was perfectly fitted in the groove between his arm and shoulder. The piercing blue eyes were staring down at me.

I could swear I saw a smile - the happy type that is. I dismissed the thought just as quickly as it came. This is M7ammad. He doesn’t do happy smiles. He does sly, mysterious smiles.

“Noum el3awafy”

I blushed, pulling away from my position awkwardly. How the hell did I end up sleeping on his shoulder?! Where did the arm rest go?

“Allah e3afeek…I can’t believe I slept through the whole flight. I never do that.”

“You nearly woke up at some point. You were turning and your hand hit the arm rest so hard that the sound actually woke me up from my sleep, so I removed it 3shan you sleep more comfortably”

“9ij? Kilish ma 7assait eb shay…but that explains why it hurts hehe”

His smile was widening.

“Shfeek teth7aaaak?”

“You sound so adorable when you’re sleepy...awal mara asma3 this tone of voice mennich….9ayra 7addich dalooo3a”

Oh, crap…

I remembered 3abdallah commented about my sleepy voice several times before. After waking me up from sleep once, he just couldn’t get over how soft and baby-like my voice is when I’ve just woken up. He always told me that it would put angels to shame.

I tried to clear my throat and speak properly. The incomplete wakefulness state I was in only managed to worsen things.

“M7amaaaad….la teth7aaaak…bs 3aaaad”

He smiled again. I thought I saw a twinkle in his eye, but again, I dismissed the thought just as quickly as it came. I needed coffee. I was seeing things.

“Zain yala yal dalooo3a we’re here” he said as he got up, offering me his hand. He helped me up and I let out a little cry of pain as he did.

“Sorry Haya, wallah I completely forgot about your hand. I think I know how to fix it. Do you mind?”

erm…mind what bethabt? I thought with my hand still in his.

“Sure”

He massaged my palm to and fro, applying more pressure at the joints. It hurt for a few seconds, then suddenly the pain went away. He then stopped massaging my hands, but he didn’t let go of it.

“Better?”

“Ee wayed…how did you do that?”

“It’s this little trick I know…I tend to move a lot when I sleep too”

We started moving out of the plane and into the airport. As we walked in the long corridor connecting the terminal to passport control, I looked out through the glass. It was a sunny day, but there were big white clouds that looked like thick cotton candy. The rain was very mild, but I knew that it was heavy earlier when I saw the glistening green fields. It was yet another beautiful day in London, and all I wanted to do was spend it walking around Hyde Park, enjoying the weather and reading a good book.

The cab ride to the hotel was quiet. I was so absorbed by my surroundings that I forgot why I was here, with who I was here and what I left behind. I saw the pedestrians waiting by the traffic lights. I saw the men in suits walking down the streets. I saw the squirrels jumping around the trees. I saw the two story buses. I saw the old couple sipping their coffee.

And I saw Big Ben!

We arrived at the hotel at around 3pm. It was the closest hotel to the university’s campus that Rana could find since all the hotels were fully booked because of the course. We were told there were delegates from more than 100 different countries from around the globe were attending.

I took out the printed hotel vouchers from Rana’s email attachment and walked towards the reception. After taking our passports and necessary documentation, she handed us one key.

“You’ll be in Suite 506 on the fifth floor. We wish you a pleasant stay with us”

“I’m sorry, did you say suite?

“Yes. Is there a problem?” she said in a condescending tone.

“There kind of is. We booked a double room and a triple room, not a suite”

She punches in something in the computer, mumbling underneath her breath.

“Your reservation says that you’ve asked for a suite for five people”

“I think I know what I asked for”. I was slowly running out of patience.

She punches some more things in the computer.

“But this reservation wasn’t made by you in the first place”

I looked at her dead in the eye for a few moments.

And that’s when it clicked.

That bitch Rana!!

I think M7ammad saw the anger slowly creeping up on me, so he tried to resolve the situation.

“Is there any way you can change the suite to a double and a triple? Or even singles?”

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re fully booked because of the holidays as well as a few other things happening around town. There’s also the University of –“

“I’m here for the freaking course; I know its freaking busy!! But you can’t expect me to deal with this setting!!” I said, my voice full of anger.

The cold bitch looked at me and said, not even flinching “That’s the best we’ve got. Feel free to move to another hotel, but I can tell you, you won’t find any better deals”

“Could you just give us a few moments?” M7ammad said, pulling me away from the gaze I was holding with cold british bitch.

He took me to a sofa in the corner of the hotel’s lobby and sat me down.

“What the hell?? What the hell?? Hathy Rana mn 9ijha ya3ny? What the hell is her problem? Madree ana madree bs a7ad efahemny what the hell is her problem??”

“Haya relax shway ehdy please. 3abdallah mo hnee yhadeech oo 9ara7a ana a5tere3 lman ashoofich m3a9ba”

I got up from my seat.

“Shino ya3ny ehdy?! Shino tabeeny asawy ‘3air eny a3a9eb?! Ent gooly shino elnormal reaction in a situation like this?! I’m sorry ana mo barda nafsk oo kil shay 3ndy bhdo2, especially lman akoon metwahga b maw8ef chithy…hathy l 7mara shino agool 7g 3abdallah al7en?! Kint ga3da m3 elreyayel for 10 days makla sharba nayma ma3ahom!! Tell me shagoola!!”

I was screaming now. A tremendous amount of heat was radiating from my face. I could feel every artery in my face pulsating. I started getting short of breath. My hands started shaking. Then the shaking went through my whole body.

I felt the world go white.

Whiter.

Whiter.

Then there was black.

Contrasting Realities 7

2008-12-20T16:47:00.005+03:00

I know you guys asked for a long part, bs I've got an exam tomorrow oo I barely got this one finished. Please sam7oony if its not as good as it should be - I wrote it as fast as i could =(

So I promise I'll post another one sooner than i usually do! I'll start writing it the moment i get back home from my exam! Fair enough?? =D

Bs waroony hemmatkom bl comments bser3a bser3a 3shan a3aref your feedback before I start writing it =)

ps: I'll get back to your comment as soon as I'm finished with my exam

pps: ed3oooooooly! I need it! Given I'm here writing you guys a post instead of studying! bs shasawy ba3ad?! a7ebkooooooom ;**

*********************************

My alarm went off at 5.30am. Unlike every other day, I woke up instantaneously. Infact, I didn’t really sleep. I was thinking about Dr. Nasser and how he had high expectations from us from this trip. The least I could do to this great man was to return the favors that he has paid me, but I really wasn’t sure if I was up for it. It was a very frustrating feeling.

I did my last minute preparations and said goodbye to my parents while waiting for 3abdallah to pick me up. He had insisted to drop me to the airport last night, and after letting him down the way I did yesterday, I didn’t have the nerve to say no.

We arrived at the airport at 6.45am and met up with M7ammad at Starbucks while waiting for the others. With two Venti paper cups sitting next to him, he admitted that he had stayed up all night in fear of missing the flight incase he overslept.

He was wearing a black turtle-neck and jeans. The black shirt accentuated his blue eyes, and the turtle-neck only served to add more temptation to the neck that lay underneath it.

He looked hot.

The three of us talked until the time was 7.30am. There was less than an hour left for boarding, and they still weren’t here yet. I called Layla and she told me that Rana had informed her that the plane was at 10am and not 9. When M7ammad talked to Waleed and Khalid, they said the same thing.

M7ammad and I looked at the tickets in confusion.

Where did the 10am come from?

“Ymkn she got the timings wrong” M7ammad said, ever-so-coolly.

“Shino got the timings wrong! She sent me an email with everything! I was on the phone with her! What do you mean she got it wrong? Hatha wagt ma yu7tamal fee a’3al6!”

“May5alef Hayoo bs calm down el3a9abiya ma ra7 tenfa3 al7en…just call her and find out what happened” 3abdallah said, as he squeezed my hand in failed attempts to control my temper.

To say that I was furious when I called Rana would be the understatement of the century.

She didn’t pick up.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

After the forth missed call, she picks up.

“Alooo”

“Hala Rana, shlonich?”

Fucking formalities...

“El7amdella Haya, enty keefik?”

Haya 7af ya zbala?!

I tried to control my breathing.

“Rana, tawny a7achy Layla oo elbajeen oo galooly you told them the plane is at 10?”

“Okay, and?”

There was something about her voice, but I couldn’t tell what it was.

“The plane is at 9…oo entay gelteely ana oo M7ammad hal 7achy bl email el dazzaity…entay mo dazzatlhom the email wla shlon?”

“Eh barke ana b3atellon email la7alon 2elt 3shan ma a7e6 kil tfaseel elsafra 3endon”

It didn’t make sense to me, but I let it go. She didn’t comment about the conflicting timings.

“Oo laish you told them the flight is at 10?”

“Elzaher eny nseet el7aky b3d lma b3atelkon…sho ya3ny fee mshekleh?”

3abdallah put his hand on my face. I was surprised by the gesture, but I understood what was going on when I saw the disheveled look in M7ammad’s eyes. I looked at my reflection in the mirror on Starbucks’ counter. My face was cherry red in fury.

I started screaming.

“Fee mesheklah? Eh fee meshekleh!! Elmshekleh enich a5arteehom oo ohma lel7een eb bait-hom oo they’re barely gonna make the flight…hatha if they make it at all!! If you can’t get the freaking job done, ba6lay 7aljich instead of ruining everything the way you did”

“Layke manna meshekle…enty ro7y m3 esthaz M7ammad halla2…w henne by7a9lookum”

She paused for a second, then lowered her voice and whispered mischievously.

“Haya, kilna bna3ref enik ma kteer btebla3y la M7ammad, bs layke matwa2a3 btkon mshekleh eza et7amalty bs tayosalo elba2een. This is business after all.”

I could see the evil victorious smile forming on her face from the tone of her voice.

“Hathy elsalfa ma r7 tmer mroor elkeram Rana…oo bas ared, bykon lee 7achy thany m3 Dr. Nasser”

“Oo shu baddek t2eleelo? Eny 3melt haik 2essa on purpose? It's an honest mistake. Ana ma 3melet shi”

I wasn’t sure if her voice was more cool or frozen, but I was more inclined to attribute it to the frozen side. I felt like I was going to rupture an artery in my head. The world around me went white. I couldn’t see or comprehend. The anger was clouding all five of my senses.

“Breathe Haya breathe”

“7beebty calm down its okay”

“Haya kil shay yen7al don’t worry”

The sound of his voice and his hand rubbing mine to and fro finally forced me to snap out of my rage. He looked at me with a genuinely concerned look on his face, leaning towards me as he squeezed my palm. The call on my cell phone was disconnected.

M7ammad was staring at me, with his wide blue eyes nearly protruding. His face was expressionless. He had never seen me angry before.

After I calmed down, 3abdallah explained to me and M7ammad that the best possible option was that I leave with M7ammad as planned, and wish that the others would make it on time. If they didn’t, they would catch the next flight to London two days later. I agreed reluctantly; I didn’t like the idea of giving that bitch Rana what she wanted in the end, especially when she had all this planned just to get back at me.

After we checked our luggage in, we moved towards passport control, which was the point where we and 3abdallah had to part. M7ammad and 3abdallah shook hands and exchanged pleasantries.

“Ma awa9eek 3la Haya…deer balek 3laiha”

“La t7aty Bo Najem”

M7ammad then gave us a few moments to say our goodbyes, and moved away. 3abdallah looked at him as he headed towards the queue. When M7ammad wasn’t within hearing distance, 3abdallah spoke.

“Hayoo…tgdreen tet7amalaina layn yo9loon elbajeen?”

“I hope so…3asa bs la y6awloon. I don’t know how long I can stand this spoilt brat”

“Adree 7ayaty…bs promise me ena etha 9ar ayshay, you’ll go to him without hesitating. I know you don’t like him very much, but I know he’s a reliable guy when things get down to it”

I pulled a puppy face.

“Bs 3abboud…wallah ma at7amala ybe6 chabdy. Mabyyyy!!”

“Please? That’s all I ask”. He put his hand on my cheek.

I smiled.

“Tamer amr 7beeby”

“Oo etha ba’3aity ay shay, let me know oo I’ll be there before you know it”

“I know sweetie”

“Oo la tensain 3la6ool t6amneeny…call me anytime or sms me, oo don’t worry about the time difference”

“7ather 7beeby”

M7ammad signaled for me to come when he reached the bottom of the queue. 3abdallah kissed my forehead, then looked deep into my eyes.

“I’m gonna miss Hayooyty…la elaha ella Allah”

“Mu7ammad rasool Allah. I love you.”

I walked towards M7ammad, watching 3abdallah’s eyes following me from the corner of mine. I was already missing him, despite all the feelings I felt yesterday – despite all the feelings I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months. I wanted to go back so badly - I wanted to run back as fast as my legs could carry me. I wanted to feel his arms around me and feel his lips on top of my head. I wanted to put my head against his chest and hear his heart beating. I wanted to hear his voice in my ears, telling me that everything was going to be fine.

But I didn't.

Instead, I walked silently by M7ammad side, using all my might to keep the moisture in my eyes from turning into a vigorously flowing waterfall. I assumed M7ammad was saving his energy to stay awake rather than talk.

We got on the plane without much hope that the others will make it, and sure enough they didn’t. M7ammad lay his chair back and fell asleep straight away. I hated that he just dozed off like that. I was never a fan of long flights; I needed someone to kill time with since I rarely fell asleep.

Before takeoff, though, 3abdallah sent me a message that drew a wide smile across my face and put me to sleep like a baby.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gonna stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away

dear readers

2008-12-18T19:59:00.003+03:00

i just thought id let you know that my laptop has gone crazy, so its gonne be a few more days before i fix it and post the next part. Please bear with me and be patient =)

ps: im sorry i couldnt send out any email notifications because the list, like the post, is on my laptop =(

Love you guys =D

Contrasting Realities 6

2008-12-13T13:59:00.005+03:00

After calling Layla, Khalid and Waleed, I went downstairs to the main reception and stepped out of the building to call 3abdallah. I stood amidst the wind and took it all in. Then, I scrolled down to his number and sighed. I really didn’t want to do this.

Calling 3abboud...

My stomach churns.

He picks up.

“Aloo”. He sounded agitated.

”Hala 3abboud, shlonk?”

His voice instantly cleared up.

“Hala wallah b3yoon 3abboud, shlonich ya gumar?”

Do you ever feel like there are certain things you get tired of hearing?

“El7amdella,ent shlonk?”

“A7es nafsy ba6eer mn elfara7 3gb ma sema3t 9otich...I don’t even remember the last time you called me t9ab7een 3ly…killa ana eli adeg 3laich”

I felt a huge lump forming in my throat.

Awkward silence.

“Mo dagga bs 3shan t9ab7een 3ly, 9a7? Fee shay 9ayer…”

I forced out a nervous laugh. It sounded more like a shriek though.

“May5alef...if that’s what it takes 3shan asma3 9otich, then so be it...what’s up?”

His voice didn’t even seem the least bit upset. If only I could go back to being overly cheerful to having found this guy again. Why did things have to change? Where have all those feelings gone? I miss the days when I couldn’t wait to hear his voice and was overjoyed when he called me 7beebty.

“Hayoo, are you still there?”

“Huh? ee ee 7beeby kani”

“Hayoo sh9ayer? Laish mo 3la ba3thich? You're freaking me out!!”

“7beeby 3ndy safra London bacher for work”

“How long?”

“10 days”

“Great! Ana ma 3ndy shay this week”

Laa laaa laaa 7addk fahem '3ala6…

That shreiky nervous laugh again.

“3abboud...erm, you see the thing is...”

Awkward silence.

“…erm...it’s just that...”

“Hayooo, ma tabeeny ayee weyach?”

Awkward silence.

“7beebty, just tell me tra its okay...I’ll understand”

“Really?”

He sounded heartbroken, but he was trying to hide it. He would’ve been doing a pretty good job do if I didn’t know him as well as I did.

“Ee ee 7beebty I understand ena you need to keep a portion of your life 7aggich entay, mo kil shay you do with me. Etha btro7een bro7ich then 3la ra7tich 7beebty, oo etha tabeeny weyach ahed eldenya kilha 7aggich. I’m not going to pressure you to do anything”

I smiled. I knew 3abboud was one of a kind. I loved him, but why I coudnt be in love with him was beyond me.

“9ij 3abboud? Ya3ny you really don’t mind?”

“Yes 7beebty...may9eer kil shay we do it together...or else ra7 tmleen menny 9a7?”

I melted a little inside. This guy was as perfect as a guy will ever get.

If only I didn’t have to lie about what I was going to say next.

“Ana 3mry ma amel mennak 3abboud”

“Raja2an! Esmy 3abboudich, mo bas ay 3abboud!!”

I giggled.

“Where would I be without you?”

“Probably happily eating the food I steal from you whenever we go out to eat...which reminds me, you wanna go out for lunch elyom?”

“Atwa8a3 ma agdar cz I’ll be busy arranging everything”

He fell silent for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry sweetie”

“Laa shda3wa I know you’re busy...zain btro7een mkan wla ga3da bl shareka all day?”

“La ma atwa8a3 ena I’ll leave”

“Zain 3ady amrch lma a5ale9 dawam ag3ad m3 7beebty shway gabl la tsafer?”

Mabyyyyyyyy is what I thought.

“Ee sure, just let me know lman t5ale9” is what I said.

“Ok 3yal I’ll see you later then...a7bch Hayooya”

“Me too 7beeby…yala ciao”

I hung up feeling a million different feelings at once. I was happy and sad. I was relaxed and angry. I was satisfied and wanting more. They were the same feelings I’ve been feeling around 3abboud lately after all the rush of us being together went away. He was the ultra-sweet guy in my life that I felt nothing more for. I just didn’t have the nerve to tell him that to his face.

Or maybe it was because I just lacked the justification for myself. After all, what more did I want? What more could I possibly ask for?

I spent my working day as usual, but with more coordination with Rana, who wasn’t exactly very pleasant with me. Especially after she heard M7ammad’s voice in my office in the afternoon when she called to inform me that everything has been taken care of.

I, ofcourse, put in a little extra effort to be extra feminine when I was addressing him when she was on the phone with me. I don’t know why, but it gave me pleasure to annoy her after the way she treated me infront of him in the morning.

When M7ammad came over, we looked over the course’s schedule and allocated tasks to each member. By the time everything got sorted, we were exhausted and drained, and it was nearly 6pm. I was half-lying in my chair and M7ammad was sitting on top of my desk.

“Ana bamoot mn elyoo3…entay makla shay?”

“Laa wallah mn el9b7 oo ana 3la halga3da…just gulping down mugs and mugs of coffee”

“You wanna order something till we wrap everything up?”

“Ee sure, what do you have in mind?”

There was a knock on the door of my office. I wondered who would be visiting me now, after-hours. I asked the person to come in.

It was 3abdallah. He had a bag from Paul in one hand and a bouquet of my favorite blue lilies in the other.

I sat up straight instantly. M7ammad got off my desk. It was a strange reaction and I don’t know why either of us did it.

“Sorry Hayoo ma kint adree ena lel7een you’re working”

“Laa laa we’re not working…t3al 7beeby…you remember M7ammad from our employees camp a few months ago, right?”

“Who doesn’t remember M7ammad? Shlonk Bu Jassem?”. He put everything on the coffee table and they shook hands.

“Halla wallah…shlonk Bu Najem?”

“Kint zain lain Haya galatly enkom bta5thoonha menny”

I blushed. M7ammad laughed.

“Yuba ay na5eth’ha menk…she’s just going shopping la t9adegha wayed”

“You guys are mean!”

“Yala 5al amshy ana bamoot mn elta3ab” M7ammad said as he proceeded to pack his laptop.

“Laish ma takel weyana Bu Jassem?”

“Mo yo3an wallah…oo I have things to do…bl3afya 3laikom”

“Allah e3afeek”

“Oo Haya, la tensain bacher you have to be in the airport at 7am”

“That’s not going to be a problem for me M7ammad, but it may be for you” I teased.

He said goodbye and left, leaving me behind with 3abdallah.

“What’s all this?”

“I figured if you can’t come to lunch, lunch will come to you” he said as he kissed my head.

“7beeby that’s so sweet!”

“Ba3ad shasawy? Magdar akel bedoon Haya”

We had lunch together, and we talked about nothing in particular. Before I knew it, it was 10pm and I had to head home to start packing and sleep. I was really enjoying his company and I didn’t want to leave until he started talking about how much he’ll miss me and how much he loves me. That’s when I started feeling uncomfortable and I felt like I needed to get out of there sooner before later.

I hated the way I was feeling towards 3abdallah. I loved him one moment, and hated him the next. I wanted him with me one moment and avoided him the next. I yearned for him one moment, and was repelled by the thought of my brother the next.

It was a rollercoaster ride, and it was eating me up from the inside day after day. But the most overwhelming feeling was not being able to fall head over heels for this guy, despite everything he is.

Before I went to sleep, I got my usual goodnight message from him.

Good night ya a7la Haya bldenya ;**

Just like every other day, it sent me off to sleep feeling a mountain of guilt about not being able to feel the same way towards him.

But today, it was guilt with a sprinkle of optimism. I had high hopes that my trip to London and my time away from 3abdallah would change the way I’m feeling towards him right now.

Little did I know, that would be the least of my worries 10 days later.

Contrasting Realities 5

2008-12-08T01:32:00.004+03:00

Exactly two days later, I called 5alty um-3abdallah.

“Bashray Hayooo”

“I like your suggestion 5alty”

“3albaraka!”

“Bs 3ndy shar6 wa7ed”

“Tamreen amr 7beebty”

“I won’t do anything gabl la ag3ad m3 3aballah face to face and have a serious conversation about this with him”

“Oo laish tgoleenly ana hal7achy o ma gelteela oho?”

“L2ana oho 7achach entay mo ana 5alty”

She sighed.

“9ar 7beebty”

That night, 3abdallah called me, asking me if we can go out for dinner together. He was to pick me up at 7pm, and we were going to LeNotre. After hours of staring at my closet, trying to dress appropriately for the ‘occasion’, I settled for my black strapless dress from that day.

I knew that was an excellent choice the moment I opened my house’s door and saw the look he gave me. His eyes widened and his smile broadened. He froze.

I walked towards him, till I got to the passenger door of the Khaki CLS that he was leaning against. His eyes were following me all the way, but he still hadn’t moved an inch.

“Shlon? Bnro7 wla hawant? Tra ana yo3ana!” I teased.

He blinked quickly, then looked deep into my eyes. I could feel myself blush.

“Tekfain bas yalmafjoo3a mo tro7een tfashleena hnak oo tathrbeen bl 5ams…adree feech ma t3arfeen weldch 7azzat el2akel” he said, as he opened the door for me.

I got into the seat and started buckling my seatbelt, assuming he’s moving to the driver’s seat. Suddenly, he bent down till his lips were only centimeters apart from my right ear. He whispered.

“You look stunning”

He stopped there for a few moments, breathing into my ear and down the nape of my neck. His breath in my ears tickled me. His breath down my neck left me intoxicated. When he finally moved away, I exhaled deeply. Then I smiled. It was a smile that I first used with my first crush back in 5th grade. It was the smile that proved to me that 3abdallah could be more than just my brother.

During dinner, we sat in the veranda and caught up on the past two years when we haven’t been very close. The more I talked to him, the more I imagined me and him together. I guess his mother was right; all I had to do was give him a chance and think outside the box.

It was nearly 10pm now, and we had had our dinner, our dessert and our coffee. Still, 3abdallah hadn’t managed to utter a single word about the topic we were here for. My back was aching and my legs were in pain, so I suggested we leave.

The moment we stepped out of LeNotre, a chilly breeze swept by us. I stopped, and let the wind blow through my hair and my dress. I let out a little shriek of delight.

“Ambaih! 3abboud eljaw mo 9ij!”

I stood infront of LeNotre and closed my eyes. Almost instantly, I detached myself from the world I lived in. I let the sound fill my ears and I let the flow feel every last piece of my skin. I felt the wind and I breathed the wind and I lived the wind.

“Haya...” he whispered again in my ears.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. His fingers reached to my face as he moved my flying hair out of it. With his palm still on my cheek, he looked deep into my eyes and smiled. I felt my insides turn into mush.

“Lail7een you like to walk?” he whispered again.

“Always” I giggled.

“Shrayech ntmasha shway b hal jaw?” he said, and he held his hand out for me to hold.

Standing there in the wind, looking at his outstretched hand, I couldn’t help but think about how I’ve wasted a year of my life without this perfect guy. The guy I knew inside out. The guy I knew would treat me right and put me before anything else.

I put my palm in his, and he squeezed it tightly, still looking into my eyes and smiling. We walked in silence, enjoying each others company and the beautiful weather. As the time became later, the temperature continued to drop. Suddenly, he stopped.

“Hayoo your hands are freezing!”

I snapped back to the real world and realized that I had lost all sensations in my skin. My strapless dress was not helping at all. I had left my cardigan back in his car, not thinking that the night would end up this way.

“Laa 3ady…I’ll be fine” I smiled.

“Ma7ad fine!”

He took of his jacket and put it on my shoulders. The jacket still smelled like his Polo Black by Ralph Lauren - the jacket still smelled like him. I took a deep breath and let it all in. I looked at him and smiled, but he was looking beyond me.

“Hayooo, entay la7ath-tay e7na wain we9alna?”

I looked around me. We were at Carino’s. We had walked all the way from LeNotre to Carino’s. To say that time flew by would be the understatement of the millennium. I giggled.

“Shaklk kint meshtehy Carino’s o yebtna hnee nakel mara thanya” I winked.

“Zain shbinsawy al7en?”

“Na3oodo mn 7aitho ataiyna?”

“Feech shadda tamsheen 3gb kil hatha?”

“Afaaaaa!”

“3la ra7tich 7beebty…ana ma 3ndy mane3”

The word slipped out of his mouth involuntarily. His facial expression changed suddenly and he lowered his gaze to the floor. Even in the dark, I could see he was blushing.

He looked so cute!

“Ra7at 7beebtk ehya ra7tk”. I waited for him to look up. I needed to look into his eyes. He didn’t though.

"Now yala 3ad tra ma a7eb ogaf wayed…5al namshy!” I started walking again, with his hand still in mine.

But he didn’t move as I started walking away. His grip made me bounce back to where I was standing, and our bodies were now inches apart. We didn’t say a word – with my hand in his, our eyes did all the talking. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity but was more like minutes, if not seconds.

I smiled.

He put his arm around me, and we started walking again. Never did I feel so safe in someone’s arms before. Never did I feel such warmth radiating from someone before. I felt like there was nothing in the world that can bring me down from the clouds I was on top of.

“3abboudy?”

“3yoon oo galb oo roo7 3abboudich”

“Can I ask you something that will possibly ruin this moment?”

“Nothing can ruin this moment 7beebty”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me directly that you were interested in me?”

He answered in a split second. He had obviously prepared for this before we met me. What can I say? I guess he knew me a little too well.

“Because I knew you would say no in the beginning, and would probably think I’m a sick freak and would never ever give me another chance again”

“Fair enough, but what made you think I’ll say yes in the end?”

“You keep forgetting that I know you inside out Haya. Because I knew you’re stubborn. Because I knew you needed to think about it before you dismiss it. Because I knew that once you thought about it logically, you’d realize it actually might work out. But most importantly, because I knew you’re worth the wait”

I felt butterflies in my tummy and I smiled. He kissed my forehead. Then we continued our walk back to LeNotre in silence.

When we arrived to my house, it was nearly 11.30pm. He stopped the engine and spoke.

“Had fun?”

“You have no idea”

Silence.

“So is that a yes, no or maybe?”

“Agoolk wla ared 7g 5alty 5abar?” I teased.

“Yala 3ad Haya…ana mn 9iji ga3d at7acha!”

“That’s a maybe…with very high yes likelihood”

The sparkle in his eyes made me melt. Then, he suddenly put his hand on my belly.

“T’haigan meta ra7 atres hal ba6n 3yal?”

I felt heat radiating from my face.

“When the time is right” I said as I put my hand on his. I left it there for a few moments, then removed it to open my door, but he held on to my other hand. He kissed it.

“Haya, thank you for the most amazing night of my life”

My face grew accustomed to all the redness. I was running out of replies.

“No 3abboudy, thank you”

I squeezed his hand one last time before I let go. Then I walked into my house. My mom was asleep on the couch next to the door and my dad was sitting next to her reading the paper. She woke up to the sound of the door squeaking.

“Hayooo wayed te2a5arty…I was worried sick about you! Kint badeg 3laich oo obooch gal fechy 3anha shwaya”

Dad looked at me, and he just knew.

“It’s a yes, isn’t it?”

“Baba, it’s a tired-and-wanna-sleep!! Mo al7en” I exclaimed.

“Hayooo atleast goleelna sh9ar?” mom said.

Dad cut her off.

“5alas 5alas, 5alha tro7 tnam al7en…b3dain we talk about it”

“T9b7on 3la 5air ya a7la parents bldenya” I said, and kissed them both before I left.

I went to my room upstairs and lay on my bed without changing my clothes, thinking about how magical this day had been. I pinched myself a couple of times just to make sure I wasn’t asleep.

But it was only when my mobile beeped that I truly believed I wasn’t dreaming.

**BEEP BEEP**

From: 3abboud

I am the luckiest man alive. Sweet dreams yaly ma5tha 3agl 3abboud weyach elyom ;**

I replied.

T9b7 3la 5air ya a7la 3abboud bldenya…3abboudy ana broo7y ;**

Contrasting Realities 4

2008-12-06T13:05:00.005+03:00

To say I was stunned would be the understatement of the millennium. Never in a million years did I imagine that 3abdallah would think of me like that. We’ve been talking nearly everyday for the past 2 years, and he never even made a gesture that implied he was interested. I mean, he was like my brother and I was like his sister.

My facial expression changed instantly and mom saw it.

“What’s wrong Hayoo? I thought you’d be overjoyed! I thought you liked 3abboud”

“I love 3abboud mama, bs mo chithee. He’s like my brother and I can’t think of him any other way”

“Hayoo, are you trying to convince me ena kil hal 7achy oo elga3dat m3 ba3ath oo wla mara ba6al halmawthoo3 weyach?”

“Mama loo kan mba6l elmawthoo3 ma3ay, chan ana geltla la2 oo elmawthoo3 ma w9alch a9lan!”

Mom sighed.

“Zain o 3abdallah shfee ya3ny mo 3ajbch? Wala fee a7ad thany eb balech?”

“Yumma mako a7ad thany oo mafee shay l9bay mashallah 3aleh eyanen bs not for me. I just can’t think of him like that. He’s my brother oo you know that more than anyone else. Oo b3dain, ana a9lan mo 7a6a eb baly zawaj or anything al7en, maly 5elg halswalef, lail7eeny 9’3eera”

“Haya, you’re 23, shkether btan6reen ya3ny? Oo b3dain l9bay t3arfeena, oo a5la8a 3alya oo ahala eyanenoon oo met3alem oo open-minded…shtabeen zyada?”

I paused for a second and tried to contemplate the idea. But I couldn’t. The thought of me and 3abdallah – of me and my brother – disgusted me.

“Mama please, I’ve made up my mind. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore”

I tried to minimize talking to 3abdallah after this incident and avoiding him. I also noticed that he stopped calling me and messaging me like he used to before. He never actually talked to me about it or opened the subject with me – it was like nothing ever happened.

Things were awkward and uncomfortable, but the worst part was losing him a second time and missing him so badly.

Three months later, mom came and talked to me again because he had asked his mother to give it one more shot. I refused once more. Two months later, the same conversation went on with mom, and I was still sticking to my decision.

And it went on and on and on. They went back and forth to my mom four times in two years, until the last time about six months ago. It was about a month before I started working for my current company.

“Hayoo, Um-3abdallah taby t7acheech 3n 3abdallah”

“Shlon ya3ny taby t7acheeny 3n 3abdallah?”

“Ya3ny she wants to know why you keep saying no constantly, l2ana tgool she knows you too well oo she wants to know shino salfitich”

“Mama mako salfa you know that! I’m not with anyone else oo there’s nothing wrong with 3abdallah! I just don’t want him! Can’t I make my own decisions?!”

“Goleelha entay hal7achy tra entay 7addich mfashlatny wiyaha”

“Mama I can’t tell her maby weldch chithee eb wayeha! I like her too much to do that wallah may9eer”

“Oo ana magdar agoolaha la t7acheenha Hayoo…ana already mtfashla menha bsebetch, oo they’ve been nothing but extremely civilized and patient with your unreasonable head! Wallah loo 3abboud weldy chan segta 6rag ena lel7een m36eech wayh a9lan. Deggy 3laiha oo 7acheeha”

“Bs mama – “

“Mako bas…ana dala3tich zyada 3n elezoom”

Reluctantly, I called her up. After exchanging formalities, she went straight to the point.

“Haya 7abeebty, shfeech 3la 3abboud?”

I sighed.

“5alty wallah ma feeny shay bs 3abboud nafs o5oy, I cant think of him like that…wallah mo 8a9dy shay, ana adree oho 5osh 9bay oo entay 5osh 5alah, bs I just can’t imagine it in my head”

She paused for a second, then spoke.

“I know what you mean”

“You do? Shlon? Etha a9lan my own mother thinks I’m crazy!!”

“Hayoo, ana adree feech 7beebty…tadreen loo 3ndy bnaya entay btkoneen agrablee menha. I know what you mean exactly. Entay oo 3baid metrabyeen m3 ba3ath oo akthar mn e5wan, so I understand that things feel awkward. That’s why ana ma e3taratht lma 3baid gal se2looha mara oo athnain oo thalath. Rabby el3alem loo someone else chan shino sawwait fee”

She took a breath, then continued.

“Hayoo, ana ban967ch n9ee7a chenna entay eli bnty oo oho mo weldy…l9bay shareech shareech shareech, you have no idea. Oo methl ma gelty, mo nag9a shay. So shino bte5sreen if you give it a try? Ymkn oho ma ya3jeba elwath3 oo he walks out, ymkn ma tetaf8oon…enty shdarach?”

“Ee bs 5alty – “

“Sm3eeny lel2a5er Hayoo. If I was in your shoes, I would agree to taking things slow, very very slow…la 5e6ba wala ya7zanoon oo a7e6 7g nafsy time limit mu3ayan to make a decision b3dain. Eb hal time limit, think of 3abdallah in a non-brother kind of way, oo see how you’re gonna react to it. In the beginning, it won’t be easy…bs ba3dain, you’ll find it really easy to make a decision, be it you accept his proposal or reject it. Oo ana geltlch eli 3ndy Hayoo, fakkray blmawthoo3 oo reddy 3ly”

“5alty ana – “

“Hayoo…7beebty…I don’t want an answer now, bs I expect you to call me in a couple of days…oo I expect good news from you – whether for the good of weldy 3baid or benty Hayoo is up to you…oo entay tadreen ana shkether a7ebich ya gumar no matter what your decision will be…etfa8na?”

“Inshallah 5alty”

Contrasting Realities 3

2008-12-01T21:41:00.004+03:00

Wa ma adraka ma 3abdallah?

I’ve known 3abdallah since…ever. His mother and mine were best friends in college. When I was born, I used to spend the vast majority of my time with him since I was an only child. We went to the same school together, did our homeworks together, played together, and slept over at each others houses on the weekends. He was the brother I never had. His parents also treated me like their own daughter since they only had four sons.

When we finished Year 7, 3abdallah’s dad was assigned as a diplomat for the Kuwaity Embassy in the USA. 3abdallah and I were devastated; we couldn’t imagine ourselves apart. The day before they left, I locked myself in my room and pretended to be asleep because I knew the goodbye was going to be too hard. Ironically, he didn’t even come with his family to say goodbye.

The day they left, I lost my ability to speak. The doctor said that it was a common psychological manifestation to traumatizing events, and that I would eventually recover from it. Three weeks later, I did. What I didn’t recover from, though, was the fact that he picked up and moved on just like that, without even bidding me farewell.

His family moved back three years later, but 3abdallah stayed behind for high school and college. He was away for more than 10 years, and the only things I knew about him were the stories 5alty um-3abdallah told us about. Even when he would come back to Kuwait for vacations, he didn’t try to contact me, and neither did I him. We were never in touch.

I had lost my brother – my only brother.

About four years ago, 3abdallah finally came back home after getting his Engineering degree. His mom had a huge isti8bal to celebrate his return, and had invited all her friends.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. His mom asked me to go and get her mobile phone that she had forgotten upstairs. I went upstairs to get the phone, but I couldn’t find it. So I called it from my cell phone to try to trace the sound. I followed it into the corridor with all the bedrooms, and tried to localize where it was coming from, but it wasn’t easy with all the music in the background.

I stood still infront of one of the closed rooms in the middle of the corridor with my eyes closed, trying to follow the sound. Suddenly, I felt something furry creeping up my legs towards my short dress.

What happened next is a bit of a blur to me, but all I know is that there was some screaming, there was a white Persian cat, there was some jumping and there was a door opening. Then, there was me in someone’s big broad shoulders, with my arms tightly clenched behind his back, and his arms completely surrounding me.

One moment of awkward silence.
Two moments of awkward silence.
Three moments of awkward silence.

I looked up, with tears of fear still in my eyes.

Looking down at me were dark brown eyes, with thick lashes. Looking down at me was a face filled with concern and sincerity.

Looking down at me was a smile more genuine than any smile I had ever seen.

Even though I hadn’t seen him in nearly 10 years, I knew that the person looking down at me was 3abdallah: the little boy I spent hours on the buggy with, the little boy I chased cats with all around the neighborhood, the little boy whom I missed tremendously when he was gone.

He finally broke the silence.

“Esmella 3laich…inshallah feeny oo mo feech” he said as he wiped the tears off my face.

“3abdallah?” I asked, still not breaking loose from him.

“Egolooon”. He winked.

I was staring at him, and still holding on tightly.

“3ad omy galatly Hayoo is all grown up and pretty now, bs ma galatly ennich 9rty gumar chithee”

I felt my face go red, and I let go of him. I couldn’t speak out of shock and embarrassment.

“Wain l bnaya eli kint afajer weyaha gwa6y elKDD ta7t sayarat oboy? Eli kanat tyee ten7ash bdary lman omha kanat tdawerha 3shan tmashe6laha sha3rha oo t9are5 lman eyeebonlaha nafnoof? Eli kan kil l9bayan blfreej ye5tar3oon oo yen7ashoun menha?”

I smiled, still speechless.

“Its not physically possible enna the brown-haired, hazel-eyed, perfectly polished slammin’ hottie in this strapless black dress jeddamy is the same person. Tekfain, shysawoon 9bayan lfreej al7en?”

“Ma kint m’3azel before you left 3abboud. Malat 3laik, fashaltny”

He elbowed me.

“Agool yal baree2a, 7aseseeny enna wa7da gumar methlich mo sam3a halkalam mn gabl”

From that day on, 3adballah and I spent a lot of time together whether in family gatherings or on the phone or on msn or smsing. I had missed him a lot, and it was great catching up with him after so long. We talked for hours everyday in our garden, in his garden, while driving and before we slept. Basically at any given time, I was reconnecting with my long lost brother.

About two years ago, and also about two years since I had reconnected with 3abdallah, my mom came into my room and sat on my bed, with a huge smile on her face.

“Hayoo, 5altch Um-3abdallah called...etgool she has some good news for you”

“5air mama sh9ayer?”

“Etgool 3abdalla yaby eyee ya56bch”