For some reason, this post proved itself very very very challenging to write.
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I have no idea laish, bs I've been trying to write it for more than a week now...oo I have 9 different versions of it...kil mara i write it up all from scratch oo a5er shay ma ya3jebny. I dont know if its because I havent written for so long, or because I'm lacking inspiration given I've just finished my exams or what...
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Fa a5er shay I decided to publish the very first draft I wrote 3la bo ena it was the closest to the heart oo it was the easiet to write, l2ana i seriously need to get this part out of my system cz its driving me crazy and making me hate the story cz I'm stuck on it and I've been writing it for so long eli BAAAAAAAAS!!
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soooo,
I shall be sitting here crossing my fingers and hoping that you guys will like it =)
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Tadroon ena I've missed you guys terribly, 9a7? ;**
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ps: wain Gutter Flower? Eli y3aref 3anha shay, please 5ay6ameny ena she's alright...I'm worried sick about her =\
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It was now my turn to sigh deeply, and turn to him with a smile.
“Do you have a few hours to spare?”
“Does it look like I have anything better to do?”
I looked at the books lying on the floor.
“Is that a trick question?” I asked sarcastically, while raising an eyebrow.
He laughed.
“I have ALOT of hours to spare, trust me” he said, flashing me another one of his warm smiles.
“Enzain” I paused, “I must tell you though, I’ve never really talked to anyone about how I feel or anything, so I’m not exactly sure how that goes and I'm pretty sure ena with my feelings all over the place I'm gonna end up sounding like a messed up psycho to you…bs somehow, it feels alright pouring my heart out to you for some reason.”
“Stop copying me and start speaking” he said, giving me a wink.
“Enzain”
I fell silent again.
“Where do I start?”
“From the beginning dear”
“mmm…”
I contemplated my own thoughts…where is the beginning?
“Allah ysamlk, I’ve been with this guy for a couple of months now. He’s a family friend oo I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s a very decent guy, a true gentleman ya3ny. Oo he loves me more than the world oo eli feeha”
“5osh”
“I always thought I loved him. Even though I’ve never had that rush when I’m around him, oo maybe even at one point thought of him as a brother and nothing more, I always thought ena maybe these things come after marriage or whatever. Madree ya3ny. Bs the thing is, he’s perfect…mo nag9a shay l9bay. He’s mo7taram oo my parents love him oo his parents love me…oo like I said he’s crazy about me, ya3ny shayelny mn 3al arth shail…fa I’ve always convinced myself ena this is as perfect as things ever get…after all what more can I ask for? A9lan maly 3ain I ask for anything more, fahemny?”
“Yea”
As I started organizing my thoughts into the next part of my tale, I sighed deeply. This was it. This was the confession. When these words come out of my mouth, I will no longer be able to deny anything I’ve been feeling, or anything I’ve been witnessing…
Or anything I’ve been hiding…mostly from myself.
“Kamlay” he said, interrupting my thoughts.
I sighed one more time.
“Allah ysalmk, there was this guy at work. No3a eli bad boy 3araft. Sum3eta mo shay kilish oo ma3roof 3anna he’s a player. He’s hot stuff, don’t get me wrong, bs eli he’s not used to not getting his own way, you know?”
He nodded.
“Ana lma re7t dawamy, I was already with hathak the other guy, bs somehow this guy from work, he always kinda pulled me in. I was always drawn to him somehow. Bs because of his attitude and because of what I’ve heard about him, I’ve always kept my distance from him, even though he was nothing but a perfect gentleman with me oo 3umra ma he showed ena he was interested in me or anything, bs I always figured better safe than sorry, you know?”
“Yea I know what you mean”
“7elo. Fa this guy came with me to London on this business trip. Shit kinda happened, fa we’ve been living together for the past few days, sharing a hotel suite. Fa I’ve been interacting with him in these two days more than I’ve interacted with him in my entire career in my company, l2ana like I’ve said, I’ve always been keeping my distance from him bl dawam”
“Okay”
“Fa I’ve been seeing all these new sides of him that I never really saw before. The fact that he really is a gentleman oo not a complete asshole like I always thought he was. The fact that we get along very well. The fact that I enjoy his company…and most importantly, the fact that he’s…drawn to me”
I paused for a moment.
“I’ve been feeling all sorts of mixed up feelings...and even convinced myself that I was in denial and that I was seeing things that weren’t there until today…a few minutes, possibly even hours before I met you”
“Esh9ar?”
I smiled, thinking back of how passionately M7ammad was kissing me.
“He kinda kissed me…and so effectively, removing any doubts and denials that were piling up in my head that I was overanalyzing things. Basically, now I’m sure he has a thing for me”
Just as he was about to speak, I spoke before him. Excitedly.
Because it only hit me when I said it out loud.
“But the thing is…he made me realize that I was missing out on that rush I was telling you about. That you’re heart is supposed to beat faster. That you are supposed to feel nervous. That butterflies in your tummy are a good thing. He made me realize that I have feelings for him…and most importantly, he made me realize that I don’t have those same feelings for the guy back home, fahemny?”
“I think so”
“And honestly, the realization of all this is just throwing me all over the place. I don’t know how to react to the way I’m feeling, and most importantly, I don’t know what to do with this realization. Egoloon ignorance is bliss, mo?”
“Yeah hehe”
“Oo bas…salamtk”
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
“Feedback would be nice, you know”
“I’m thinking…it’s a tough situation”
“You don’t have to tell me about it”
I looked at him for a few minutes as he sat there, apparently thinking about my situation.
“You know its bad when even a stranger who doesn’t know shisalfa is confused” I teased.
Another laugh.
“I love how you’re taking this so light-heartedly wallah”
“Light-heartedly? I would’ve forgiven that for anyone who hasn’t seen me a couple of hours ago...bs you?” I teased again.
“Shofay Haya. As far as I can see, you’re attracted to this London guy, but entay bs t3ezeen the guy back home. Ymkn you didn’t get that rush with the Kuwait guy l2ana you knew him all your life oo like you said, he went through your family and what not, fa ma kan fee majal e9eer sparks per se. Oo ymkn the only reason that you’re liking the London guy is that he’s offering you exactly what was missing from your relationship with the Kuwait guy, fahmatny?”
“I think so”
“Fa essentially what that means is that wala wa7ed menhom ferag 3an elthany…l2ana al7en YOU’RE confused about your own feeling. 9ij ena the first guy is all decent and what not, bs are you willing to accept that if there are no sparks? Oo ymkn the second guy is sparks all over the place, are you willing to accept the fact that he isn’t offering you any commitments? Bs then again ared wagoolich, ymkn there will eventually be sparks with the first guy, and ymkn the second guy will straighten up once he commits oo ymkn he’d be willing to commit for you, fahmatny?”
“Let’s pretend I am”
He laughed.
“My point is, you need to confront the second guy and have a serious talk with him…oo ymkn mn 7esn 7athich ena the two of you are here bro7kom stuck in the same suite all the time so something like this would be easier to approach than if you were back in Kuwait. Oo nafs ma geltlch gabl, just because something seems so right doesn’t necessarily mean it is. Oo just because you have ‘feelings’ for someone doesn’t infact mean…anything really…you can learn to ‘love’ someone and grow attached to them. Atleast that’s what I think anyway”
I smiled.
“It’s a dilemma alright, but its nothing you cant get through. Talk to the London guy. See what he’s all about. Give him a chance to explain himself. At the same time, keep in mind that you have Kuwait guy back home. My mom always used to tell me ‘5eth eli t7ebk oo la ta5eth eli t7ebha’. And, as far as I can see, the theory is holding very true in your case”
“The thing is, I want the sparks. They feel amazing. I love that feeling eli I’m clicking with someone. I love that I look forward to seeing him, and that I think about him when he’s not there. But at the same time, everytime I think of the guy back home, a7es nafsy selfish. Ya3ny what more can I ask for? Its not fair ya3ny…he’s given me his all and this is how I pay him back?”
“Like I said, just because something seems so right doesn’t mean it necessarily is. For either men. Ya3ny mo ma3nata ena he’s wayed 5osh wa7ed ena he’s the one, oo mo ma3nata ena he has sparks ena he’s the one either…fa since you know the first one, explore the second one. See what kind of person he is…oo hatha shay ma ra7 t3arfeena unless you sit-“
“-him down and talk to him” I finished his sentence.
He smiled again.
“I hate confrontations by the way”
“No one said its gonna be easy, bs even you, with all your denial, know it’s the only way out, 9a7? You’re already very confused about how you feel. A9lan ana '3a9eb ga3afham 3laich hehe”
Fahad and I talked for a few more hours till the clock struck 9pm. It surprised me that my phone had no missed calls or text messages from neither M7ammad or Layla. I wondered if they were thinking I was good riddance done.
Fahad insisted he drops me to the hotel, which he said wasn’t too far away from his place. We walked side by side, with my wet clothes in a plastic bag, until we got to the hotel.
“Atleast let me fix you some coffee”
“Its okay wallah…I just wanted to make sure you’ll be okay”
“Fahad may9eer! Ya3ny after everything you’ve done for me today, it’s the least I can do”
“Haya…9adgeeny I didn’t do any of it for the coffee wallah”
He gave me a warm genuine smile, and I smiled back at him.
“Thank you Fahad. For everything. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for all this”
“No Haya. Thank you for letting me enjoy the pleasure of your company”
He took a card out of his wallet and gave it to me.
“This is my business card. It has all my contact information over here and back in Kuwait. If you ever need anything, it would be more than an honor to help”
I reached into my purse to give him mine.
“Oo hatha maly” I said handing it to him. He didn’t take it though.
“Look. I don’t want you to feel pressured into this. Ya3ny ana lail7een I don’t even know your last name. oo I don’t wanna know it ya3ny it makes no difference to me. Fa if you wanna keep things like that, I’ll understand”
I placed the card in his hand while he was still speaking.
“The pleasure is mine Fahad”
He flashed me one last warm smile. A smile that made me feel the warmth radiating from him. Not in a way where he was expecting something back from me. Not in a way where he was waiting for a reward.
But in a way where he was truely happy to help a fellow human.
“T9b7een 3la 5air Haya”
“Wenta mn ahala”
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