Saturday, November 21

Contrasting Realities 30

“Allllll byyyyyy laaaaa la laaaaaaaa”

Even though I wasnt looking at him, I could see him looking at me with questioning eyes from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.


I started again the moment he looked away from me. Naturally, he turned back the moment he heard my voice.


I continued singing, knowing fully well I was out of rhythm. And lyrics, mind you.

I saw him smiling from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.


He laughed out loud.

I stopped abruptly in the middle of the airport.

“Is something funny?”

“No...nothing” he spoke trying to contain his giggles.

“Laa chenk ga3teth7ak”

“I'm...” he chuckled, then stopped and cleared his throat “...not”

“ee 3abaly ba3ad”

I started walking again, making my way towards the exit of the airport. We had just dropped Laila off to the gate, and after an Oscar-worthy display of emotion with full blown hugs and tears, there was only one thing I was feeling.

I felt alone.

I felt utterly, completely and heart-breakingly alone.

Even though she only stayed for a couple of days, her presence changed my spirits in so many ways. I felt like, for once, I could actually talk to someone about how I'm feeling and, most importantly, I could talk without any restrictions and without any rules.

And now she was gone. And here I am, doing what I do best.

Being alone.

I suddenly felt his warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find that I had stopped walking and was standing in the middle of the airport looking down at my intertwined fingers.

“Haya, are you okay?”

His eyes were filled with concern, his voice filled with care and his touch filled with warmth.

But suddenly, all I felt was an overwhelming emotion of how much I missed 3abboud. My baby. My guardian angel. My 3abboudy.

I smiled to myself, then looked up, smiling to M7ammad. I could feel my smile growing wider, and I could swear I saw the twinkle in my eyes.

“I'm fine, ” I spoke through my wide grin, running my hand through my bag in search for my phone. ”I just need to make a phone call. Ent go ahead and get us a cab, oo I'll catch up with you by that time”

“ sure” he said, and turned around to walk away. I felt the pain in his voice, and even though I felt bad, I didnt regret my decision. I needed to speak to 3abboudy and I needed to speak to him now. It suddenly hit me that I havent heard his voice in a few days now, that I've been sleeping without him wishing me a beautiful night, that I've been waking up to him without smiling after reading his message wishing me a lovely morning, that I havent heard his smile when I call him and he picks up the phone, that I havent seen him...

Stepping all over my pride and dignity, I scrolled to his name on my phone and pressed the Dial button.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Thats weird, I thought to myself. 3abboud never ever leaves his phone.

I called once again.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

That's really strange. I looked at my watch, which read 5am, meaning that it was 8am back in Kuwait. He should either be in work or headed to work right now. Where the hell was he? Why isnt he answering?

I called one last time. They say third is a charm.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Now, I was getting worried. I was thinking of all sorts of scenarios and all sorts of things that could have gone wrong. Maybe something happened to him, which is why he hasnt been calling me for the past few days. That would explain why neither of my parents mentioned him when I called them, and why khalty never called me since I got here. After all, I've seen with my own eyes with Laila's situation how these things happen in a split second.

Knowing fully well that she would be fast asleep right now, I called my mother nontheless.

“Alooo” her sleepy voice came through the speaker.

“Hala yuma shlonich?”

“Hala Haya 7beebty shlonich 7abeebty? What time is it?”

“Tamam mama, ” I ignored the second half of her question, “yuma 3abboud shakhbarah?”

“Wallah za3lan 3laich hayooya. Ams marna oo 7abeeby kan wayed m7ateech l2ana ma yadry 3anich shay since you left, bas b3dain lma geltla enich dagaity 3ly oo kilshay tamam, wayed kan methayag oo 7az ebkha6ra, bas ana 7awalt ahadeeh oo-”

Then the line went dead, and my phone gave me a Call Failed error message.

Is that what it was all about? He's ignoring me? Giving me a taste of my own medicine ya3ny? Yetsharah?

Somehow in a split second, all the emotions I was feeling earlier got channeled into something different. A lot of disappointment. A lot of anger.

And, dare I say, a lot of hate?

I never called my mother back, but instead I walked with very fast steps towards the exit. With so much fury in my head, I could barely see infront of me. My eyes frantically searched for M7ammad amongst lots of people and cars until I finally spotted him, waving his hand frantically in the air and stopping a taxi. I walked in his direction as fast as I could without actually jogging.

He turned just in time to see me behind him.

“You have excellent timing” he said, as he opened the door for me. I sat in the back of the taxi, while he sat next to the driver. M7ammad fell asleep throughout the 20 minute drive, despite the rain pouring outside.

I woke him up when we arrived. He insisted on paying the taxi driver, and then we headed to our suite in silence. He unlocked the door and lead me in first. I threw myself on the sofa out of physical and mental exhaustion, since I stayed up all night with Laila. I sunk in the sofa and stared into the TV screen that wasn't even switched on.

“Haya ana bamot mn elta3ab so I'll go sleep for a few hours” he said, standing next to the fridge with a bottle of water in his hand.

I stayed silent, because I was too engulfed in my own thoughts to say anything. Come to think about it, I dont even think I was thinking. I was just....blank.

I heard him sigh.

“T9b7een 3la khair” he said, and I could hear his shuffling steps headed towards his room.

I only spoke when I heard him open his door.



I spoke after a long pause.

“I need a hug...please” I spoke, and I heard my voice breaking towards the end of that sentence.

I heard him rush to the sofa where I was. He sat next to me as I sat there, completely immobile. He then wrapped his arms around me, and crushed me against his chest. I could instantly smell his M7 and his cigarettes, more intensely than I ever did before. I took in a deep breath and with it, I felt his warmth and his care, and most importantly, his love.

I started crying.

“Haya shfeech”

I cried harder.

“Haya laish ga3tabcheen baba?”

I felt him try to push me away to look at me but I held him tighter and dug my face deeper into his chest, with my tears soaking his shirt.

“Shhhhhh....bas baba bas 3awarty galby bas khalas...tukfain calm down”

I cried and cried and cried, till I could cry no more. He held me so tightly, comforting me, and trying to calm me down as much as he could. He rubbed my back and stroked my hair until I calmed down, with my face till dug in his chest. I didnt want to let go of him.

Even though I had stopped crying, I was still gasping for air. As my breathing became more regular and less noisy, I could hear his heart beating within his chest underneath my ears. The more I calmed down, the clearer and more regular it became. I heard every beat of his heart, and felt the pump of blood with every pulse. I felt protected. I felt safe.

Listening to his heart beats with my face on his chest, I fell asleep in his arms.

Monday, November 9


so this basically is why i've been away for so long...bas if you wanna find out more details and read the whole post, click here =)


I hate sixth year.

I'm so overloaded with work, its not even sad anymore. Its just pathetic. I dont have time to do ANYTHING. Between oncalls, lectures, presentations, PBL's and case reports, wallah el3atheem and I kid you not, I have to CREATE time to squeeze in my showers. I dont even have time to study. Its just work overload. Assignment wara assignment, oncall wara oncall, case wara case...its just ridiculous.

I'm drained...and honest to God I'm having second thoughts about this whole medical school shit.

So even though i'm overworked and underpaid, and even though i'm having all these doubts and second thoughts, i'm gonna assume i'm PMSing (cz ironically it really is that time of month) and thats where all this garbage is coming from...

or maybe cz I got a few comments over the past few weeks eli 3awraw and I realized that I missed you guys way WAAAAAAAY too much;**

sam7oony 3al g9oor...i'll post and comment whenever I can =)

but until then, I shall now go finish my lunch (thats right...lunch) then go lay my very tired body on my bed and hope I catch a few good hours of sleep before the cycle begins again tomorrow morning!

i miss spilling like this...

and i miss you guys much more than you could imagine or than I ever thought I would ;**