Saturday, November 21

Contrasting Realities 30

“Allllll byyyyyy laaaaa la laaaaaaaa”

Even though I wasnt looking at him, I could see him looking at me with questioning eyes from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.


I started again the moment he looked away from me. Naturally, he turned back the moment he heard my voice.


I continued singing, knowing fully well I was out of rhythm. And lyrics, mind you.

I saw him smiling from the corner of my eyes.

I ignored.


He laughed out loud.

I stopped abruptly in the middle of the airport.

“Is something funny?”

“No...nothing” he spoke trying to contain his giggles.

“Laa chenk ga3teth7ak”

“I'm...” he chuckled, then stopped and cleared his throat “...not”

“ee 3abaly ba3ad”

I started walking again, making my way towards the exit of the airport. We had just dropped Laila off to the gate, and after an Oscar-worthy display of emotion with full blown hugs and tears, there was only one thing I was feeling.

I felt alone.

I felt utterly, completely and heart-breakingly alone.

Even though she only stayed for a couple of days, her presence changed my spirits in so many ways. I felt like, for once, I could actually talk to someone about how I'm feeling and, most importantly, I could talk without any restrictions and without any rules.

And now she was gone. And here I am, doing what I do best.

Being alone.

I suddenly felt his warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find that I had stopped walking and was standing in the middle of the airport looking down at my intertwined fingers.

“Haya, are you okay?”

His eyes were filled with concern, his voice filled with care and his touch filled with warmth.

But suddenly, all I felt was an overwhelming emotion of how much I missed 3abboud. My baby. My guardian angel. My 3abboudy.

I smiled to myself, then looked up, smiling to M7ammad. I could feel my smile growing wider, and I could swear I saw the twinkle in my eyes.

“I'm fine, ” I spoke through my wide grin, running my hand through my bag in search for my phone. ”I just need to make a phone call. Ent go ahead and get us a cab, oo I'll catch up with you by that time”

“ sure” he said, and turned around to walk away. I felt the pain in his voice, and even though I felt bad, I didnt regret my decision. I needed to speak to 3abboudy and I needed to speak to him now. It suddenly hit me that I havent heard his voice in a few days now, that I've been sleeping without him wishing me a beautiful night, that I've been waking up to him without smiling after reading his message wishing me a lovely morning, that I havent heard his smile when I call him and he picks up the phone, that I havent seen him...

Stepping all over my pride and dignity, I scrolled to his name on my phone and pressed the Dial button.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Thats weird, I thought to myself. 3abboud never ever leaves his phone.

I called once again.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

That's really strange. I looked at my watch, which read 5am, meaning that it was 8am back in Kuwait. He should either be in work or headed to work right now. Where the hell was he? Why isnt he answering?

I called one last time. They say third is a charm.

It rang. And rang. And rang. And rang.

Until it got disconnected.

Now, I was getting worried. I was thinking of all sorts of scenarios and all sorts of things that could have gone wrong. Maybe something happened to him, which is why he hasnt been calling me for the past few days. That would explain why neither of my parents mentioned him when I called them, and why khalty never called me since I got here. After all, I've seen with my own eyes with Laila's situation how these things happen in a split second.

Knowing fully well that she would be fast asleep right now, I called my mother nontheless.

“Alooo” her sleepy voice came through the speaker.

“Hala yuma shlonich?”

“Hala Haya 7beebty shlonich 7abeebty? What time is it?”

“Tamam mama, ” I ignored the second half of her question, “yuma 3abboud shakhbarah?”

“Wallah za3lan 3laich hayooya. Ams marna oo 7abeeby kan wayed m7ateech l2ana ma yadry 3anich shay since you left, bas b3dain lma geltla enich dagaity 3ly oo kilshay tamam, wayed kan methayag oo 7az ebkha6ra, bas ana 7awalt ahadeeh oo-”

Then the line went dead, and my phone gave me a Call Failed error message.

Is that what it was all about? He's ignoring me? Giving me a taste of my own medicine ya3ny? Yetsharah?

Somehow in a split second, all the emotions I was feeling earlier got channeled into something different. A lot of disappointment. A lot of anger.

And, dare I say, a lot of hate?

I never called my mother back, but instead I walked with very fast steps towards the exit. With so much fury in my head, I could barely see infront of me. My eyes frantically searched for M7ammad amongst lots of people and cars until I finally spotted him, waving his hand frantically in the air and stopping a taxi. I walked in his direction as fast as I could without actually jogging.

He turned just in time to see me behind him.

“You have excellent timing” he said, as he opened the door for me. I sat in the back of the taxi, while he sat next to the driver. M7ammad fell asleep throughout the 20 minute drive, despite the rain pouring outside.

I woke him up when we arrived. He insisted on paying the taxi driver, and then we headed to our suite in silence. He unlocked the door and lead me in first. I threw myself on the sofa out of physical and mental exhaustion, since I stayed up all night with Laila. I sunk in the sofa and stared into the TV screen that wasn't even switched on.

“Haya ana bamot mn elta3ab so I'll go sleep for a few hours” he said, standing next to the fridge with a bottle of water in his hand.

I stayed silent, because I was too engulfed in my own thoughts to say anything. Come to think about it, I dont even think I was thinking. I was just....blank.

I heard him sigh.

“T9b7een 3la khair” he said, and I could hear his shuffling steps headed towards his room.

I only spoke when I heard him open his door.



I spoke after a long pause.

“I need a hug...please” I spoke, and I heard my voice breaking towards the end of that sentence.

I heard him rush to the sofa where I was. He sat next to me as I sat there, completely immobile. He then wrapped his arms around me, and crushed me against his chest. I could instantly smell his M7 and his cigarettes, more intensely than I ever did before. I took in a deep breath and with it, I felt his warmth and his care, and most importantly, his love.

I started crying.

“Haya shfeech”

I cried harder.

“Haya laish ga3tabcheen baba?”

I felt him try to push me away to look at me but I held him tighter and dug my face deeper into his chest, with my tears soaking his shirt.

“Shhhhhh....bas baba bas 3awarty galby bas khalas...tukfain calm down”

I cried and cried and cried, till I could cry no more. He held me so tightly, comforting me, and trying to calm me down as much as he could. He rubbed my back and stroked my hair until I calmed down, with my face till dug in his chest. I didnt want to let go of him.

Even though I had stopped crying, I was still gasping for air. As my breathing became more regular and less noisy, I could hear his heart beating within his chest underneath my ears. The more I calmed down, the clearer and more regular it became. I heard every beat of his heart, and felt the pump of blood with every pulse. I felt protected. I felt safe.

Listening to his heart beats with my face on his chest, I fell asleep in his arms.

Monday, November 9


so this basically is why i've been away for so long...bas if you wanna find out more details and read the whole post, click here =)


I hate sixth year.

I'm so overloaded with work, its not even sad anymore. Its just pathetic. I dont have time to do ANYTHING. Between oncalls, lectures, presentations, PBL's and case reports, wallah el3atheem and I kid you not, I have to CREATE time to squeeze in my showers. I dont even have time to study. Its just work overload. Assignment wara assignment, oncall wara oncall, case wara case...its just ridiculous.

I'm drained...and honest to God I'm having second thoughts about this whole medical school shit.

So even though i'm overworked and underpaid, and even though i'm having all these doubts and second thoughts, i'm gonna assume i'm PMSing (cz ironically it really is that time of month) and thats where all this garbage is coming from...

or maybe cz I got a few comments over the past few weeks eli 3awraw and I realized that I missed you guys way WAAAAAAAY too much;**

sam7oony 3al g9oor...i'll post and comment whenever I can =)

but until then, I shall now go finish my lunch (thats right...lunch) then go lay my very tired body on my bed and hope I catch a few good hours of sleep before the cycle begins again tomorrow morning!

i miss spilling like this...

and i miss you guys much more than you could imagine or than I ever thought I would ;**

Saturday, October 3

unsaid 1


Hala Sara, shlonech?

*shyaby hatha...tawny kint weyah bljam3a. i hate formalities...i wish he could just say alo flana aby blablabla*
Wallah tamam el7amdella, enta shlonk ?

Mashy el7al...

*whats with the silence...9ij shyaby hatha...he's still quiet...awkwaaaaaard...t7acha!! alooooo!*
Thats good to hear

Sarooona, bghait a6lb mnch 6alab

*saroona?! mn 9ija hatha? shfeeh m6aye7 elmyana khair?

erm...eb9ara7a ana shway metwaheg eb course elcalculus oo I was wondering if its okay if you can help me with it

*now things are making sense...sarooona hathy ma 6la3at ghair for the pruporse of ass-kissing*
ee sure...which lectures do you need help with?

Eb9ara7a, ana mo fahem wala kelma from the entire course...

*hala wallaaaaaaaaah*
Oh, I see

Look, I know ena its too much ena you help me with the entire course, bs ana adry enich tdreseen bl library sometimes...fa if I wont be intruding, I'd like to join you, oo etha twahagt eb shay, I can ask you oo akhaleech tkamleen derastch , fahmatny?

*ya7laila he already has a plan, I dont even have to think of anything...oo chenna its not so bad either?? Yes?? No??*
Sounds good to me

Bas akeed mara7 a2atheech this way?

*ofcourse you will!! I enjoy my solitude! why do people ask rhetorical questions? I wonder how he'll react if I say ee*
Ofcourse not, eshda3wa 3laik! Dont worry about it!

Great! 3ayal meta ma btro7en, let me know. Oo etha tgdreen a little bit before that, ya3ny not spot on 3shan azaheb 3umry I'd really appreciate that

*6arar oo mshar6 el2akh?*
Inshallah dear...will do

Khalas 3ayal, akhaleech al7en...have a good night

*elnas ygoloon thanks ya 7mar* too

this is something i've been contemplating for a while...
maybe it'll be something and maybe not, but i like the diversity it will give me and i seem to be getting lots of inspiration for it...
what do u think? i could alternate posts between this and contrasting realities for diversity's sake ;)

Tuesday, September 29


i missed you guys!

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed! :D :D :D

my time away was much needed and very VERY very good for me :)

bas then again if you were interested in finding out about that, you'd be reading spill ;Pp

elmohem, i just wanted to write up a special post just to tell you how much i miss you all! how much i miss writing! how much i miss your comments and seeing you around ;**

bs then again, i'm back! so yaaaaaaaaaaay!

i'm back with alot of inspiration (and fun-facts-to-know-and-tell), and on top of it all, a very very VERY long post that i really hope you enjoy! =)

looking forward to seeing you around!
but until then, i have ALOT of catching up to do ;)

ps: i SUPER-MISS love, M, GutterFlower (elkalba), change and tigerlilly! wallah i miss your writings and your presence so so very much that i cant even begin to put it in words!!

pps: i might have a surprise for you guys that i really think you'll like, but im still contemplating the idea...and if it wasnt so late now and i didnt have dawam early in the morning, i'd start working on it now =)

ppps: i posted contrasting realities 29 incase you didnt notice :)

Contrasting Realities 29

“Aloo, hala 7beeby...5air...gool wallah...a7madoo e7lef...a7madoo you're not just saying this...ya3ny she's better?”

She fell silent while holding the phone as tears rolled down her face.

“Haa? ee kany...a7madoo I cant believe this...wallah el3atheem etha raddait oo I found out enk bs ga3tge9 3ly mara7 asam7k 7amood booked me a flight for tomorrow morning, I leave here at 6am inshallah...ok 7beeby 5alas ashoofk bacher 3ayal, deer balek 3aleha a7madoo...7beeby enta...m3asalama”

She hung up and put the phone down, and turned to me, with her tears still on her face. Then, out of the blue, she jumped over the bed and onto me, holding me in the tightest embrace one could think possible that I fell back on the bed owing to its force.

“A7ibch Hayooya a7ibch wallah el3atheem a7ibch!!” she spoke in between kisses all over my cheeks, while still holding me. “You're my good luck're my best luck charm”

“Ya ba3ad 3umry entay” I hugged her back tighter and kissed her back, “she's better now?”

“6la3at mn el3enaya elmurakaza oo the doctor says she's in a stable condition”

“El7amdella....7amdella 3la salamat'ha 7beebty”

“Allah ysalmch galby...allah ysalmch” she said hugging me tighter. Just when I thought I couldn't breathe anymore, she suddenly let go of me and stood up. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!! 5al a6amen 7amood...mskeen 7beeby ga3ya7ty wayed! Wa3alayah elyom he tolerated my mental breakdown oo ana enfajart eb wayha oo oho mala sheghl” she pouted.

“Yala 3ayal roo7ay 6amneeh”

“Mara7 tyeen?”

“Haa? Erm...la2 bansede7 shway ta3bana...I had a really long day” I said as I sat down on the bed.

She came and sat down next to me, studying my face for a few moments. I avoided eye contact, but then again, she didn't need rocket science to figure out something was wrong.

“Haya...what happened elyom?”

“Ma9ar shay...I just needed sometime alone fa meshait 3ankom shway”

She sighed loudly and laughed a little.

“You really dont know how see-through you are, do you?”

I blushed.

“Haya 7abeebty mn el2a5er, I know something happened with you and M7ammad and I know you wouldn't just leave like that unless that something was huge”

I stayed quiet.

“Haya look at me” she said, turning my face towards her, “ana bagoolich something that I've been keeping from you for a while now, bs I think now is the right time for you to know it”

I raised my eyebrow in confusion.

“Hayooya when you first came to the company, I came to know you oo we really hit it off. Even though I didn't know you very well, bs you struck me as a pure innocent soul with a beautiful heart...wa7da kil dinyat'ha mn elgalb..mat3arf ghesh wla hypocrisy nafs elnas hal ayyam...which is why I loved you...which is why I still love you”

I smiled.

“Tathkreen awal meeting 7atharteeh blshareka? Awal mara I talked to you”

“How can I forget it?”

“Tell me what do you remember about that meeting”

“Athker it was my first week blshareka...oo Dr. Nasser asked me to attend l2ana they were discussing a new proposal for a new theme for the company...ya7laila he was so enthusiastic about me joining the marketing team, he actually told me that I had to report back to him personally after the meeting and not the marketing team, and then he would personally take what I had to say into consideration and weigh it against what they had to say” I smiled back at the memory.

“Tathkreen bethabt shino 9ar youm elmeeting?”

“Yeah...athkr Dr. Nasser told me about the meeting after it started...oo I had to walk in into the room infront of all of you guys oo ma kint a3arf wla a7ad minkom back them, oo infront of the people from the two advertising companies responsible for the rebranding...ambaih shino kanat fashla” I smiled and hid my face in embarrassment.

“Tathkreen shino 9ar awal ma ba6alty elbab oo dashaity elghurfa?”

I cringed at the thought.


“Shino 9ar Haya?”

“Nothing important really” I said, looking away.

She turned me to face her once more.

“Shino 9ar Haya?”

I sighed.

“Athker awal ma dashait, someone was heading to the light switch next to the door to switch the lights off since they were just about to start with the presentations. Athker I paused at the door for a second, as everyone in the room looked up, to take a look at the idiot who had enough guts to walk into the room half an hour after the meeting started,” I smiled as I remembered, “athker wahy 9ar a7maaaaar mn kithr ma kint metfashla, oo how everyone was just staring at me, waiting to see what my next move will be. Athker I stood there contemplating leaving, not only the meeting and the company, bs this whole country mn kithr elfashla. Athker ench asharteely to come to the only remaining seat next to you. Athker ena the only two people who werent looking at me were A7mad raylich oo M7ammad because they were too busy chatting amongst each other at madree shino...oo athker when they looked up...” and I fell silent again.

“Esh9ar Haya?” she squeezed my hand tighter.

“Athker how when they finally noticed that the room fell silent, they looked up. Athker how M7ammad took a sip of water as he was turning his head, and then how he choked on it when he saw me. I never felt in my life. Athker how A7mad had to hit him on his back to get him to breathe again, and how when he finally did, he took a look at me from head to toe, and then looked away disgustedly-”

“Disgustedly?” she inquired.

“Disgustedly” I repeated.

She smiled to herself. “Kamlay”

“G3adt yamich through the meeting oo I remember that you just had this motherly aura around you. You kept asking me if I was alright and if I needed anything unlike certain other people who never even bothered looking my way twice again hehe” I rolled my eyes with a smile on my lips, “Athker how you invited me to your office later that day, and you helped me with my notes and what to do. And I vividly remember that the conversation drifted into lots of things that had nothing to do with work in the process”

“We talked about you and 3abboud and your career in economics and your favorite movies hehe”

“Yeah” I said with a smile.

“Haya...et3arfeen ana ma3arf alf wadoor 9a7?”

I look at her with questioning eyes, “ee”

“Fa ana bagoolich what I have point blank and straight to the point oo entay try to absorb as much of it as you can, ok?”

I gulped and tried to clear my throat, “okay”

“Haya, that day lama M7ammad saw you in the meeting, he was so mesmerized by you and your presence that he chocked on his water. He wasnt laughing at you. If you were sitting next to him like A7mad was, you would've heard him gasp for air. You took his breath away, literally. Oo A7madoo feham exactly what had happened, thats why he hit him on his back to try and diffuse the situation l2ana he knew ena M7ammad kan mtane7 oo was gonna embarrass himself and you infront of everyone.”

I was staring at her with a jaw dropped and eyes wide open. She acknowledged my shock and continued talking.

“When the meeting was over, athker A7madoo oo 7amood yaw oo A7madoo gal sheftay hatha l7mar shlon bugha yafth7 nafsa elyom...oo ana lma the7akt, 7amood looked me dead in the eyes and said Layla...abeeha. When you came over to my office later, te3amadt as2lch 3n your love life oo chithy, oo lama geltelty 3n 3abboud and how happy you were with him, gelt 7ag 7amood wa5er 3anha she's taken. 6Ab3an ma 3ajba elkalam awal shay oo swalef laish they're not even official oo I deserve a chance just like him oo I'll treat her right too, A7madoo gala 7amood, leave the girl alone, its either us or her, oo you choose”

My jawline continued its descent.

“He picked us 6ab3an. He decided not to pursue you. Bldawam he kept things professional, bs still, he saw how nice you were around people and you kept getting to him simply by being who you are. The sweet, independent woman that always gives people the benefit of the doubt. It drove him crazy. He couldnt handle you being nice to him all the time. And thats when he decided he doesnt want you to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore”

She took a deep breath and continued.

“You see, 7amood was never a player. He fell in love mara, and she cheated on him. And it was only then that he started playing around, l2ana to him all women were the same. And he knew exactly how to keep it on the down low. Bs he wanted you to hate him, to despise him, to never even consider the possibility of being with him, and thats why he decided to play around with elbanat eli blshareka, and thats why you started hearing about him being a player and all. It was easier for him to be away from you when he knew you hated him”

She squeezed my hand tighter and then looked me straight in the eye.

“I know we had no right to tell him what to do, and that, in a way, that was us interfering in your life, but me and A7madoo know 7amood very well, and we knew he was a player. We thought you were just his new thing, and we didnt want him to ruin your relationship with 3abboud over one of his games. If we thought it would go somewhere, then it would've been okay, but we know 7amood too well. He just wants what he cant have. And he couldnt have you...thats why he wants you so bad.”

I took my palm out of hers and ran my fingers through my hair nervously, trying to absorb what's being said. Anything...a sentence...a word...a thought....but nothing went through. It felt like my brain had shut down.

“I'm sorry Haya, bs wallah, I just wanted whats best for you”

I snapped back to reality.

“Enzain said you told him to back off, but what the hell has he been doing for the past few days?”

She took a deep breath.

“Hayooya, ma la7ath'tay ena M7ammad has been acting strange since I got here?”

“ee...wayed...a9lan kil dgeega ebmood...i'm starting to think ena fee enfe9am sha59eya”

She smiled.

“Mn 9ijji Lilly!! Try to convince me ena his actions are normal or rational!!”

She winked at me “I wasnt gonna try babe”


“Hayooya gabl la tamshoon I warned M7ammad ena he behaves. Geltla wallah etha sm3at'ha teshteky mnk, mara7 y9er 5air kilish. Oo he was okay with it, until...” she stopped.

“Until shino Layla?” curiousity was killing me.

“Until you passed out. Until you both got stuck sharing the same suite. Athker he called me up quite a few times and he's like Layla many gader at7amal the situation, she's so close to me and yet so far away. He would tell me about every little thing you would do, from the way you looked at him when you were upset, to the way you looked when you were asleep. He was getting so attached to you. He even considered coming back here and cutting the trip short. When I pleaded him for Dr. Nasser's sake, he was still hesitant and wanted to come back, but when I told him that him leaving means you alone in this country, he couldnt do it. He couldnt leave you Haya. He was falling in love with you and I saw it with my own eyes when I got here. It wasnt just about him wanting you anymore. He was falling for you.”

I felt like the Japanese after they were hit with the Hiroshima bomb.

“When I came back, he was trying to behave as much as he could jeddamy. I saw him a few times oo zaffaita...until you told me about 3abboud. Lama gelteely ena you're both met'hawsheen, 7asaitich you're not happy, 7asait ena 7az eb5a6rch ena ma s2al 3anncih wla 7ata ye6aman 3laich...o that day kint ga3da asolef m3 M7ammad and he was talking to me about you and how he wished he had met you earlier, before 3abboud...and I just told him to go for it. I figured right now, he has a chance fair and square against him, o bema ena 3abboud ghala6, ymkn 7amood treats you better fahma?”

I suddenly felt a wave of rage run through my spine, yet I spoke as calm as can be.

“Lilly you know I love you, 9a7?”

“Ofcourse I do”

“But that gives you absolutely no right to run my life for me or make decisions on my behalf. I think I'm old enough to do that for myself ya3ny”

“Haya it wasnt like that, la tefhemeeny ghala6. I was-”

“Whatever it is that you were trying to do, this was the end result. And thats just not acceptable Layla”

She fell silent for a few moments.

“I'm sorry Haya”

It was amazing how one little one little apology seemed to make it all go away. Even though the problem still remained and wasnt lessened by her apology in any form or way, I felt a load falling off my chest and I felt like I could...breathe.

I turned my head towards her with a smile. A smile loaded with confusion and choking emotions.
“Shasawy eb 3umry ana al7en?” I said with my eyes fixed on hers.


“Madry” I said, looking away from her eyes at the our intertwined hands.

She took her hand and moved my chin towards her, allowing me to once again lock eyes with her.

“There's your answer” she said with a smile.

I was confused.


“Ma se2alteny who I meant, which means you are considering possibility, which means you see some potential bl athwal eli bara"

“I'm not so sure thats a good thing you know”

“Wa3asa an takraho shay2an wahowa khayron lakom”

“Wane3ma bellah” I sighed.

“Haya” she looked at me sternly, “7amood is a good guy. Deep inside he is, wallah he is. He's just human, 7ala 7alna, makes mistakes. Ymkn his mistakes akbar wala a8wa wala wala wala...but that doesnt make him a bad person deep down. He's a great guy...he just needs know...find that person to make him settle down. Kila agola ent eli bta5thk omha da3ya 3aleha oo yred 3ly...laa ana etha khathait wa7da wallah ya Lilly wallah omha da3yatlaha...and even though I laugh it off...I believe him Haya”

“Etha kan 7amood a great guy deep down, 3abboud is a great guy inside out Lilly”

“Adry 7abeebty, and thats your dilemma”

“I dont want to be cheating on him Lilly. He deserves better than him. And I dont wanna break his heart either”

“Tabeen raye?”

“Laa 9arly sena talking to you about it bs habal” I remarked sarcastically.

“Give them both a chance. Find out what kind of person 7amood is and whether he's serious or not while setting your limits, without betraying 3abboud's trust. You have a few more days here, so see how things go”

“I'm considering another guy Lilly, ay betraying his trust ay ba6ee5?!”

“Haya na9eebich is na9eebich...etha 7amood yours, he will be yours gha9ban 3anich entay oo 3abboud, oo etha 3abboud yours, then nothing 7amood will do can change that. Tra kil hatha maktob 3nd rabbich since you were 3 months old eb ba6n omich. You know ena whatever happens, whichever way things go, na9eebich byech, 9a7?”


Saturday, August 22


awwal shay mbarak 3laikom elshahar oo kil3am wentaw bkhair...oo inshallah yen3ad 3laikom b2alf 9e7a oo salama ;**

you guys confused me with your results! al7en the results of the poll says ena u guys want short posts, bs the results of the comments say ena u want long posts! fa al7en im confused! lol!

so i decided ena i will only take into consideration the results of the comments since i can actually see people's points of view hny and what they have to say...

so again, i ask the same question...taboon short frequent posts wla long occasional posts?

please leave your answer in the comments box 3la this post or the previous one!

oh, and for the people who were wondering about my long & short posts...basically short is the last two posts...and long is everything else lol ;)

i know ena fe e7temal kbeer an6ag 3la what i'm about to say next, bs i might (keyword: might) be taking a break from blogging in rmthan. i just feel like i dont want to waste a single minute of this month and that i wanna dedicate all my time to God. again, i'm not sure whats gonna happen, bas i'm giving you a heads-up incase i disappear hehe

may your month be filled with forgiveness and peace ;**

Wednesday, August 19

choose wisely ;)

bema ena ana t3abt weyakom...i've decided to let you guys choose what you want ;Pp

here's the deal:

i can either write one long post once a week
several little post (like the past 2) every day or every other day or something

fa entaw think about it oo vote either here or on the poll on the right ;)
or leave a comment...kaifkom ;)

oo inshallah the next part will be after the poll closes next week, and according to what you guys want =)

Tuesday, August 18

Contrasting Realities 28

I opened the door to be faced by an empty room, save for Layla’s suitcase sitting on top of her bed and a couple of shopping bags laying around it. I stepped into the room to look for Layla, only to realize that she was in the bathroom. Moments later, she stepped out.

To say that her face was achromatic would be an understatement.

When she saw me, her eyes instantly filled up with tears, just like mine.

“Haya” her voice broke as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

“My Lilly” I felt my own tears rolling down my face as I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her. She placed her head on my shoulders and I felt the warmth of her tears on it as I heard her gasp for air. I held her tighter and patted her hair and back.

“Shhhhh…bas galby bas bachy”

“Haya she’s in the hospital oo ana mo weyaha…what kind of daughter does that make me?”

“Lilly galby 3umry…there was no way you could’ve known this would happen”

“Ee bs that doesn’t matter! She’s there now oo ana hnee oo ehya broo7ha” she said in between sobs.

“Baby Lilly don’t blame yourself for this…hathy mashee2at rabbich”

“I should be there Haya I should be there” she gasped loudly, “eli eli….eli 7ata lma they called and told me and I figured I had to go back, I couldn’t go back empty handed and I went and bought her the things eli wa9atny 3laihom” and she broke down into my arms as she lost her balance. I supported her till I got her to lie down on the bed.

Placing her head on my thigh, I sat stroking her hair and calming her down for what seemed like an eternity. I only realized that she had fallen asleep when she had stopped sobbing, yet her gasps for air continued even as she lay asleep on my thigh. I looked at her, and it just broke my heart to see her like this.

The worst feeling in the world is to watch someone you love in pain, and realizing that there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

My thoughts were interrupted by Layla's ringing phone. She immediately sprang up from the bed and, in a split second, was halfway across the room, picking it up from the nightstand. After taking a look at the name flashing across the screen, she took a deep breath, let it out and then answered.

Monday, August 17

Contrasting Realities 27

I promised a post within a week, and sure enough i started writing, bs...erm...there was a slight complication...
im now on page 13, oo im nowhere near done lol!
oo elmshkela ena 9ar wayed, fa its become confusing when i wanna go back and alter or change something =\
fa i decided i'll start posting it in little parts instead of duf3a wa7da 3shan a6al3a mn my head cz i keep overthinking things when its unpublished!
VERY short i promised a post within a week, and here it is =D

I got into the elevator and went up to our suite. Before slipping my key-card into its slot, I tried to listen by the door and find out if anyone was in there, but I heard nothing. I cursed under my breath when the key-card gave me a red light, and swiped it a second time. I felt the handle give way and I pushed the door open, walking into the suite.

M7ammad was standing next to the sofa with a bewildered expression on his face and the remote control in his hand. His face was drained of color, and exhaustion filled his eyes.

Oh, how I missed those piercing baby blues…

There were a few minutes of awkward silence as we both stared at each other blankly.

The tension was growing. The longer I looked into his eyes, the more I felt uneasy, and the longer the silence lingered on, the bigger the lump in my throat grew.

Memories started coming back to me. Guilt started coming back to me. Tears started coming back to me. I decided to break the silence to stop myself from crying.


“W3ailakom elsalam walra7mah”

A loud thump came from the direction of my room. I turned my head to look at the closed door for a few moments before I turned back to him.

“Layla da5el?”

“Ee…” he paused hesitantly, “…umm…she’s packing”

“SHINO?!” I spoke, not realizing how loud my voice would come out.

“Umm…daggaw 3laiha mn lkuwait…galoolha her mother 6ay7a mareetha oo nayma blmustashfa”

I stared back at him, speechless and expressionless.

Another loud thump came back from my room, snapping me back to reality. I turned and started walking towards the room.

“Haya?” he called out my name as I walked away.

I turned around to look at him and was faced by a dubious M7ammad.

“Erm…listen…erm…you know…about ummm….you know,” he paused, “erm…earlier –“, he spoke while fidgeting with his fingers, not once making eye contact with me.

“M7ammad,” I interrupted him as he looked up at me questioningly, “mo wagta al7en hal7achy” and I left him standing in the middle of the room as I walked away from him.

Monday, August 10


adry adry 6awalt eb ghaba2 lai darajat enha m9a5at oo if i were you chan ma a36eeny wayh kilish =/

bs wallah i had my reasons =(

this hopefully means im back, oo im gonna start writing again soon, fa expect a new post within a week inshallah

did i mention i was very very sorry? =(
sam7oony! =(

Monday, June 29

Contrasting Realities 26

For some reason, this post proved itself very very very challenging to write.
I have no idea laish, bs I've been trying to write it for more than a week now...oo I have 9 different versions of it...kil mara i write it up all from scratch oo a5er shay ma ya3jebny. I dont know if its because I havent written for so long, or because I'm lacking inspiration given I've just finished my exams or what...
Fa a5er shay I decided to publish the very first draft I wrote 3la bo ena it was the closest to the heart oo it was the easiet to write, l2ana i seriously need to get this part out of my system cz its driving me crazy and making me hate the story cz I'm stuck on it and I've been writing it for so long eli BAAAAAAAAS!!
I shall be sitting here crossing my fingers and hoping that you guys will like it =)
Tadroon ena I've missed you guys terribly, 9a7? ;**
ps: wain Gutter Flower? Eli y3aref 3anha shay, please 5ay6ameny ena she's alright...I'm worried sick about her =\

It was now my turn to sigh deeply, and turn to him with a smile.

“Do you have a few hours to spare?”

“Does it look like I have anything better to do?”

I looked at the books lying on the floor.

“Is that a trick question?” I asked sarcastically, while raising an eyebrow.

He laughed.

“I have ALOT of hours to spare, trust me” he said, flashing me another one of his warm smiles.

“Enzain” I paused, “I must tell you though, I’ve never really talked to anyone about how I feel or anything, so I’m not exactly sure how that goes and I'm pretty sure ena with my feelings all over the place I'm gonna end up sounding like a messed up psycho to you…bs somehow, it feels alright pouring my heart out to you for some reason.”

“Stop copying me and start speaking” he said, giving me a wink.


I fell silent again.

“Where do I start?”

“From the beginning dear”


I contemplated my own thoughts…where is the beginning?

“Allah ysamlk, I’ve been with this guy for a couple of months now. He’s a family friend oo I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s a very decent guy, a true gentleman ya3ny. Oo he loves me more than the world oo eli feeha”


“I always thought I loved him. Even though I’ve never had that rush when I’m around him, oo maybe even at one point thought of him as a brother and nothing more, I always thought ena maybe these things come after marriage or whatever. Madree ya3ny. Bs the thing is, he’s perfect…mo nag9a shay l9bay. He’s mo7taram oo my parents love him oo his parents love me…oo like I said he’s crazy about me, ya3ny shayelny mn 3al arth shail…fa I’ve always convinced myself ena this is as perfect as things ever get…after all what more can I ask for? A9lan maly 3ain I ask for anything more, fahemny?”


As I started organizing my thoughts into the next part of my tale, I sighed deeply. This was it. This was the confession. When these words come out of my mouth, I will no longer be able to deny anything I’ve been feeling, or anything I’ve been witnessing…

Or anything I’ve been hiding…mostly from myself.

“Kamlay” he said, interrupting my thoughts.

I sighed one more time.

“Allah ysalmk, there was this guy at work. No3a eli bad boy 3araft. Sum3eta mo shay kilish oo ma3roof 3anna he’s a player. He’s hot stuff, don’t get me wrong, bs eli he’s not used to not getting his own way, you know?”

He nodded.

“Ana lma re7t dawamy, I was already with hathak the other guy, bs somehow this guy from work, he always kinda pulled me in. I was always drawn to him somehow. Bs because of his attitude and because of what I’ve heard about him, I’ve always kept my distance from him, even though he was nothing but a perfect gentleman with me oo 3umra ma he showed ena he was interested in me or anything, bs I always figured better safe than sorry, you know?”

“Yea I know what you mean”

“7elo. Fa this guy came with me to London on this business trip. Shit kinda happened, fa we’ve been living together for the past few days, sharing a hotel suite. Fa I’ve been interacting with him in these two days more than I’ve interacted with him in my entire career in my company, l2ana like I’ve said, I’ve always been keeping my distance from him bl dawam”


“Fa I’ve been seeing all these new sides of him that I never really saw before. The fact that he really is a gentleman oo not a complete asshole like I always thought he was. The fact that we get along very well. The fact that I enjoy his company…and most importantly, the fact that he’s…drawn to me”

I paused for a moment.

“I’ve been feeling all sorts of mixed up feelings...and even convinced myself that I was in denial and that I was seeing things that weren’t there until today…a few minutes, possibly even hours before I met you”


I smiled, thinking back of how passionately M7ammad was kissing me.

“He kinda kissed me…and so effectively, removing any doubts and denials that were piling up in my head that I was overanalyzing things. Basically, now I’m sure he has a thing for me”

Just as he was about to speak, I spoke before him. Excitedly.

Because it only hit me when I said it out loud.

“But the thing is…he made me realize that I was missing out on that rush I was telling you about. That you’re heart is supposed to beat faster. That you are supposed to feel nervous. That butterflies in your tummy are a good thing. He made me realize that I have feelings for him…and most importantly, he made me realize that I don’t have those same feelings for the guy back home, fahemny?”

“I think so”

“And honestly, the realization of all this is just throwing me all over the place. I don’t know how to react to the way I’m feeling, and most importantly, I don’t know what to do with this realization. Egoloon ignorance is bliss, mo?”

“Yeah hehe”

“Oo bas…salamtk”




“Feedback would be nice, you know”

“I’m thinking…it’s a tough situation”

“You don’t have to tell me about it”

I looked at him for a few minutes as he sat there, apparently thinking about my situation.

“You know its bad when even a stranger who doesn’t know shisalfa is confused” I teased.

Another laugh.

“I love how you’re taking this so light-heartedly wallah”

“Light-heartedly? I would’ve forgiven that for anyone who hasn’t seen me a couple of hours you?” I teased again.

“Shofay Haya. As far as I can see, you’re attracted to this London guy, but entay bs t3ezeen the guy back home. Ymkn you didn’t get that rush with the Kuwait guy l2ana you knew him all your life oo like you said, he went through your family and what not, fa ma kan fee majal e9eer sparks per se. Oo ymkn the only reason that you’re liking the London guy is that he’s offering you exactly what was missing from your relationship with the Kuwait guy, fahmatny?”

“I think so”

“Fa essentially what that means is that wala wa7ed menhom ferag 3an elthany…l2ana al7en YOU’RE confused about your own feeling. 9ij ena the first guy is all decent and what not, bs are you willing to accept that if there are no sparks? Oo ymkn the second guy is sparks all over the place, are you willing to accept the fact that he isn’t offering you any commitments? Bs then again ared wagoolich, ymkn there will eventually be sparks with the first guy, and ymkn the second guy will straighten up once he commits oo ymkn he’d be willing to commit for you, fahmatny?”

“Let’s pretend I am”

He laughed.

“My point is, you need to confront the second guy and have a serious talk with him…oo ymkn mn 7esn 7athich ena the two of you are here bro7kom stuck in the same suite all the time so something like this would be easier to approach than if you were back in Kuwait. Oo nafs ma geltlch gabl, just because something seems so right doesn’t necessarily mean it is. Oo just because you have ‘feelings’ for someone doesn’t infact mean…anything really…you can learn to ‘love’ someone and grow attached to them. Atleast that’s what I think anyway”

I smiled.

“It’s a dilemma alright, but its nothing you cant get through. Talk to the London guy. See what he’s all about. Give him a chance to explain himself. At the same time, keep in mind that you have Kuwait guy back home. My mom always used to tell me ‘5eth eli t7ebk oo la ta5eth eli t7ebha’. And, as far as I can see, the theory is holding very true in your case”

“The thing is, I want the sparks. They feel amazing. I love that feeling eli I’m clicking with someone. I love that I look forward to seeing him, and that I think about him when he’s not there. But at the same time, everytime I think of the guy back home, a7es nafsy selfish. Ya3ny what more can I ask for? Its not fair ya3ny…he’s given me his all and this is how I pay him back?”

“Like I said, just because something seems so right doesn’t mean it necessarily is. For either men. Ya3ny mo ma3nata ena he’s wayed 5osh wa7ed ena he’s the one, oo mo ma3nata ena he has sparks ena he’s the one either…fa since you know the first one, explore the second one. See what kind of person he is…oo hatha shay ma ra7 t3arfeena unless you sit-“

“-him down and talk to him” I finished his sentence.

He smiled again.

“I hate confrontations by the way”

“No one said its gonna be easy, bs even you, with all your denial, know it’s the only way out, 9a7? You’re already very confused about how you feel. A9lan ana '3a9eb ga3afham 3laich hehe”

Fahad and I talked for a few more hours till the clock struck 9pm. It surprised me that my phone had no missed calls or text messages from neither M7ammad or Layla. I wondered if they were thinking I was good riddance done.

Fahad insisted he drops me to the hotel, which he said wasn’t too far away from his place. We walked side by side, with my wet clothes in a plastic bag, until we got to the hotel.

“Atleast let me fix you some coffee”

“Its okay wallah…I just wanted to make sure you’ll be okay”

“Fahad may9eer! Ya3ny after everything you’ve done for me today, it’s the least I can do”

“Haya…9adgeeny I didn’t do any of it for the coffee wallah”

He gave me a warm genuine smile, and I smiled back at him.

“Thank you Fahad. For everything. I don’t know how I can ever repay you for all this”

“No Haya. Thank you for letting me enjoy the pleasure of your company”

He took a card out of his wallet and gave it to me.

“This is my business card. It has all my contact information over here and back in Kuwait. If you ever need anything, it would be more than an honor to help”

I reached into my purse to give him mine.

“Oo hatha maly”
I said handing it to him. He didn’t take it though.

“Look. I don’t want you to feel pressured into this. Ya3ny ana lail7een I don’t even know your last name. oo I don’t wanna know it ya3ny it makes no difference to me. Fa if you wanna keep things like that, I’ll understand”

I placed the card in his hand while he was still speaking.

“The pleasure is mine Fahad”

He flashed me one last warm smile. A smile that made me feel the warmth radiating from him. Not in a way where he was expecting something back from me. Not in a way where he was waiting for a reward.

But in a way where he was truely happy to help a fellow human.

“T9b7een 3la 5air Haya”

“Wenta mn ahala”

Saturday, May 23

Contrasting Realities 25

this is the fastest post i ever wrote for Contrasting Realities
i wrote it in like 3 hours only!
its not revised, its not edited, and maybe its not what you're used to...
bs its a post mn elgalb...lai darajat ena ymkn it was supposed to be on spill mo hnee ;)
i hope you like it ;**
ps: tra i have exams! very hectic! bs mn ams oo ana feeny inspiration oo weddy i write, bs kint bamoot mn elta3ab ams ;)
pps: i hate having to post knowing that love ;** mo hnee, bs this is all for the sake of Gutter Flower 3shan la t9eer mutilated more than she already is ;Pp

I opened my eyes slowly, only to be faced with blackness.

Pitch blackness.

As my brain started switching on, I realized that I had absolutely no recollection of where I was, and what time it was. I didn’t even know what day it was.

I turned onto my other side, only to be faced by a flickering light from the window overlooking the street, and a digital clock. The bold red digits read 8:47pm amidst all the blackness.

The first thing that hit me was that I had never seen this clock before in my life. For a few minutes, I struggled to remember where I was.

But soon enough, it all came back to me.


Did any of that happen, or was he a figment of my imagination?

There was only one way to find out.

I reached out to pull down the cover and reach for my shirt, only to realize that I wasn’t underneath any covers. I looked at my shirt, but I could see nothing from the darkness.

I ran my hand across my chest, feeling my shirt.

Surely enough, I could trace the outlines of the letters G, A and P on it.

So it was all true.
I fell asleep in his bed.

The realization made me spring up from the bed. My eyes were now adjusted to the blackness, and I could see the outlines of the objects in the room; the cupboard, the chair, the door, and the lights. I reached over to switch on the lights, and saw my reflection in the mirror infront of me, standing in the middle of Fahad’s room, just as I remembered it before I fell asleep.

I fixed whatever was fixable in my now half-dry hair, and headed towards the door, with only one question in my head: how long was I asleep?

I opened the door to find Fahad lying on the sofa, with his head up against its arm. He had a book plastered to his face in one of his hands and the other playing with his hair. Upon hearing the squeaking door, though, he put his book aside and looked at me. A beautiful smile made its way across his lips.

“Noum el3awafy”

“Allah y3afeek”
I said rubbing my eyes together, “Ambaih, ana shkether nemt?”

“Long enough for your coffee to go cold” he said with a wink.

“Oh…sorry about that” I said, cracking my knuckles uneasily.

“Please tell me you’re not apologizing for a cup of coffee”

“I’m not?” I said sarcastically.

He laughed.

“Gi3day gi3day allah yhadach…let me fix you something to drink. Do you like green tea?”


“I guess that makes two of us then! I’ll go make us some”

“Fahad, its okay, listen you really don’t have to–“

“Haya, Haya, Haya” he interrupted.


“Watch some TV till I come back” he said, flashing me another smile.

“Okay” I said, smiling back gratefully.

He disappeared into his little kitchen while I entertained myself with some of his books that were lying around. From the size of some of those books, I wondered if anyone was physically capable of reading them, or if they were simply there as references only.

I flipped through some of the books, until a particular one caught my attention. It had cartoons on the front cover and was titled Clinical Cardiology Made Ridiculously Simple.

Intruiged by the title, I picked up the book and flipped through its pages. The only things that made sense to me were some cute cartoons here and there. Apart from those, though, the only thing the book made me feel was ridiculously stupid. I made a mental note to add the author to my list of people to sue.

“It’s my favorite too” Fahad said, entering the room with a tray holding two white mugs.

“I wish I could agree” I said putting the book down. “So, you’re a cardiologist?”

“Trying to be one is more like it”

“Shkether bugalk?”

“I’m not counting hehe…its my first year a9lan”

“Oh…good luck with that 3ayal”

“Thanks! Much needed wallah!” he said. “Sugar?”

“Two please”

He handed me my cup, and then moved to his own.

“Can I ask you something?”


“Why cardiology?”

He looked away from my eyes towards the window, and let out a sigh. Then, he looked back to me and gave me a smile.

“It’s a long story…you got a few hours to kill?”

“Only if you’re comfortable sharing it with me”

“Agoolich shay bs promise me you wont freak out or anything?”


“Awwal mara eb 7ayaty a7es eni merta7 7g a7ad chithee…ya3ny I know I don’t even know you or anything like that, bs wallah 7ata when you were asleep all the way in the other room, I just felt…”
he trailed off, ”…merta7…madree, just…merta7”

I looked at him silently, not knowing what to say.

“Wallah ya Haya mo 8a9dy shay, please la tfhmeeny ‘3ala6 bs wallah a7es chenna my little sister is with me or something…madree…its hard to describe. Maybe its cz I’ve been living alone for so long that it feels nice to have another human being around for a change” he smiled.

“Ymkn” I smiled back.

“So allah ysalmch, bs la7tha….you cant laugh at how cheesy this will sound, ok?”

I laughed loudly.


“Ee okay…so allah ysalmch, when I was back in med school…I had a girlfriend, eli I was totally head over heels in love with her. My first ya3ny. The first girl I ever fell in love with, the first girl I ever proposed to, the first girl eli I actually saw her as om 3yali, you know?” he said, and his smile grew on his lips with every word he spoke.

“Ee fhamt 3laik”

“Fa allah ysalmch, everytime I was with her, kint killa a7e6 my head 3la her chest and just listen to her heart beating. It always fascinated me. Even though we were together for years, I never seemed to get sick of it. I could listen to it for hours”
He let out a little laugh to himself, “A9lan, lma ma kint agdar anam, kint I go to her place oo sit next to her on the sofa oo I put my head on her chest. I used to sleep like a baby on those nights” he said, now looking past me and smiling.

“That’s nice” I said, with a smile making its way to my lips.

“That was nice” he said.

I looked at him with questioning eyes, but he remained silent.

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing. We broke up” he said, and fell quiet again.


There were a few moments of silence as he sat there staring at me, yet I knew that look fully well. I could’ve been a clown that very instant and he wouldn’t have noticed the difference. I was just the figure infront of him as he was lost in his own little world.

“She had commitment issues. I loved her to pieces bs she didn’t wanna get married. She said she couldn’t see herself married. Ever” he said. “She said she wanted things like this, to stay the way they were…with no strings attached 3la golat’ha” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.

“I’m sorry to hear that”

His face lit up again.

“Oh no! Please don’t be. I couldn’t be with someone whom I had no future with. I just couldn’t do it. bs I’m glad I got out of it when I did. You know why?”


“L2ana when we broke up, I realized ena there is no such thing as love. I realized eni bs kint met3aleg feeha wayed. I realized ena what people keep talking about ena love this and love that, its simply a disease of missing someone too much. Its withdrawal symptoms of having grown too close to someone, and then not having them around anymore. Like when you’d get really close to your best friend and then lose them, or even your brother who travels abroad to study, or your favorite cousin who gets married or anything else that you’d get really attached to. Even your dog that dies one day. Nafs el e7sas. I call it 'Mukank Mbayen' syndrome.” He said with a sarcastic smile.

“T7iseen 9ij doctor, mo?” he said while rolling his eyes.

“7addik” I grinned.

He laughed loudly.

“Bs that’s not the point Haya. The point is, I realized that fairytales are just that...fairytales

I looked deep into his eyes.

“Oo tadreen how I know that Haya?”


“Lma raddait lkuwait I worked for a year before I came here, I worked with this girl. She was very nice oo wayed 3jebatny. Oo she was very open-minded, eli loo gayelha swalef 7ebny wa7ebk oo boyfriend oo girlfriend, kan 3ady 3ndha. Bs I didn’t. Dashait mn elbab oo talked to her parents. Bs 9adaf ena I was leaving then, oo it was too early to do something official, fa ma melachna or anything like that. Bs al7en we talk, oo I feel the exact same way as I did with my ex, even though I never really fell in love with her the same way, per se. 7ata lma a7acheeha al7en, ma net7echa swalef 7ub oo ‘3aram oo madree shino, bs ena nsolef about things in general ya3ny. Bs I’m just as attached to her, I cant imagine my life without her, and I know that if anything ever goes wrong with her, I’ll go through exactly what I went through with my ex, even though, like I said, I don’t love her, per se”

He looked at me.

“Do I make sense?”

“To a certain extent, yes”

“What I’m trying to say is, just because it feels right doesn’t mean it necessarily is. Oo just because things are great doesn’t mean they will necessarily remain. Oo just because you miss someone so much doesn’t mean you were in ’love’. Oo just because bad things happen doesn’t mean you have to forget them. Bl3aks, the only thing it means is that you have to learn from them. I mean, look at me, I’m basing my whole career 3la a mistake” he laughed to himself once more, “Bas its okay, because it’s a mistake that taught me all this fahma 8a9dy?”

I nodded.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, not all mistakes are bad. Sometimes you need to be shattered into pieces so you can realize how much potential there is in you when you glue it all together. After all, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, 9a7?”

“Yea I guess”

“Sorry 9ada3tich eb swalfy oo mashakly. I don’t even know why all this came out wallah. Bs wallah erta7tlich ya Haya. There’s something about you…about your face…mashallah wayed muree7 wayed greeb 3al galb”

I blushed.

“Laa mako shay. You probably will never know how much you’ve helped me with what you said. I mean, its like you knew exactly what I was going through and what I needed to hear”

“Yea it was kinda written all over your face that I hit a nerve” he winked.

“It was?” I asked, surprised.

“Yea. Wayhich wayed mu3abir...may5esh shay hehe”

I blushed again.

“So tell me Haya, since it hasn’t killed you, what’s making you stronger?”

Tuesday, May 5

Contrasting Realities 24

This post is not only dedicated to Gutter Flower; it was written for her altogether.
I kept my end of the its time to keep yours ;Pp
For the sake of the exams and presentations I have, and for the sake of this extra extra extra long post i managed to juggle in between them ;)
yala i'm waiting for my twin to come back ;Pp
oo btw, dont expect me again for a couple of weeks =(
me got wayed exams =(

I stormed out of the store into the pouring rain and stopped midway.

What was I doing?
Where was I going?

And most importantly, who was I going to, knowing fully well that the only two people I knew in this country were in that store?

As I stood there, contemplating what to do, electricity made its way throughout my body as images of me and M7ammad kissing played in my head. And I say of me and him kissing, because I know that not pushing him away made me as guilty as it made him.

What have I done?

Betrayed 3abboud? Betrayed the only gentleman I have ever met in my life? Betrayed the one guy who never gave up on me? Betrayed the one person whose life I mean everything to?


I betrayed myself.

The realization killed me. I found myself running through the middle of the street in the pouring rain across the very few people on it. Tears were streaming down my face and thoughts were emerging into my head at the rate of 1000 thoughts per second.

What have I done?

I couldn’t think. My head felt heavy owing to all the thoughts in them. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t stop thinking either.

What have I done?

I ran and I ran and I ran till I could run no more. I only slowed down when I started getting short of breath and when I felt like I could run no more. As my steps slowed down, I felt all the pain from running with high heels shooting across my toes, my heels, my knees and my spine.

As the pain intensified, I slowly felt myself losing my balance. Trying to restore it though, I broke my heel and fell on my leg. I let out muffled scream as I felt the sharp pain of my ankle twisting underneath me.

“5araaaa! Ektemal elyom bs 5alas kil shay ektemal!” I screamed at myself loudly as I held on to my throbbing ankle, with tears still flowing down my face.

“Shely ektemal?” came a Kuwaiti accent from the man who was now on his knees from behind me.

I turned my face to look at him. He was holding an umbrella above my head and looking at me intently, with a concerned look in his dark brown eyes. He wasn’t handsome, but he had a certain charm to him. Even though his cleanly shaven face carried a stern and serious look, there was something about it that screamed out generosity and kindness.

“Laa bas mako” I tried getting up, but winced as pain shot up from my ankle.

“Kuwaity female lying on the ground on the streets of London, with bloodshot eyes, smudged makeup and tears rolling down her face heavier than this rainfall oo etgoleenly mako?”

Listening to him telling me how pathetic I looked managed to make me sob, and not just cry. I was now gasping for air as loud tears escaped my eyes.

“Shhhhhhh…” he said as he put his arms around me in a warm embrace, “bs bs 5alas kil shay lah 7al ehdy bs”

Even though I felt safe in his arms, I somehow managed to cry harder. Every tear I shed was filled with guilt and confusion, but most of all, a sense of utter loneliness and fear of what was to come next.

“Basss shhhhhhh ehdy baba…all these tears aren’t gonna solve anything…mako shay yeswa kil haldmoo3”

I don’t know how long I sat there crying in this stranger’s arms as we both sat on the street under the rain, but eventually, my tears stopped falling and my chest stopped heaving. When my breathing became more regular, I finally pulled away from him. He wiped the remaining tears off my face.

“So, do you make a habit of twisting your ankle on rainy days?”

I laughed weakly.

“I didn’t think you could smile after all that crying”

“I try not to make a habit out of it”

“Good…cz if you do, then more people like me would be catching a cold from sitting under the rain”


“Hey! I’m not complaining! How many times do you see someone you can actually relate to in distress and can offer a hand to? Though I must say, you don’t look very Kuwaity…loo mo sam3ch ga3da tet7al6amain bl3araby chan ma darait”

“I’ll try to do that more often to provide entertainment”

Awkward silence.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, ma 3araftich 3la nafsy. Ana Fahad.” He extended his hand for me to shake.

“Haya…nice to meet you and cry in your arms” I said as I shook his hand and gave him a wide smile.

“Laa oo you crack jokes when you’re upset ba3ad? Zain ya Haya…shrayech ngoom mn kil halmu6ar?”

“My ankle…”

“mmm…zain tra this is my place…” he pointed to the building I was sitting infront of, “oo I’m a doctor, fa I have all sorts of medical supplies up there…shrayech t6l3een weyay I do something about your ankle oo I fix you something warm to drink?”

Should I even be contemplating going to this complete random stranger’s place?

As if reading my thoughts, he continued “Tra you can take my word for me not being a serial killer or a rapist I promise”. He raised his pinky.

I laughed loudly.

“I’ll take that as a yes” he said grinning. He got up and his figure came into view. He was tall and had broad shoulders, but was carrying a few extra pounds. I tried holding on to him as he held out his hands for me and shifting my weight to my good leg, but stumbled and nearly fell again had he not held me.

“mmm…I guess I’m just going to have to carry you. You’re not to heavy, are you?”

I shot him a look, and was just about to open my mouth when he saved himself.

“Yuba ga3at’3ashmar ga3at’3ashmar! La yen3efes wayhech chithee…I thought you were all for making jokes and what not”

I smiled again as I put my arms around his neck and he carried me into his building and its elevator.

“So do YOU make a habit of helping girls who break their heels under the rain?”

“Naaa…only the ones who fall right infront of my eyes as I step out of my building”

“Oh! I hope eny mo m2a5retek 3la shay”

“La don’t worry…I was just going for a walk”

“In the rain?” I said as he stepped out of the elevator and reached his flat.

“Shfeech entay? I love the rain!”

“Great minds think alike”

“Zain look, ana ma ra7 agdar aba6el elbab while carrying you…shrayech you reach into elpocket mal my jacket and get the key 3shan you open it?”

I did as I was told. He pushed the door open with his leg and we stepped into a small cozy flat, with books everywhere…on the floor, on the sofa, on the dining table…everywhere.

“Excuse the mess…my exams are coming up soon”

“Excused wallah allah y3eenk…enta doctor wla student?”

“Doctor…I’m doing post-grad” he lay me down on the sofa.

“I see…allah y3eenk”

He kneeled on the floor infront of me and gently took off my shoe. Then, he started looking at my foot from different angles.


“Shino mmm? Like good mmm wla bad mmm?”

“Like mmm…” he said, looking at me sternly.

I started to worry, but stayed silent nonetheless.

“Do you realize you’re pulling the cutest puppy face right now?”

I blushed.

“Sorry tara I don’t want you to get the wrong impression, ma kan 8a9dy shay wallah…bs you should see your face”

I smiled silently.

“So back to what we were saying…” he changed the subject, “…I don’t think its anything serious; I mean, its not swollen or anything. Probably just a bruise from the fall and nothing more”

“That’s good news, 9a7?”


“Bs it still hurts like hell though…oo I cant walk 3aleha kilish”

“I’ll tell you what…I’ll wrap it up for you oo a7e6lch 3aleh painkiller ointment. That should kill the pain for a few hours till it goes away. Shrayech?”

“You’re the doctor” I winked.

He got up and walked to a cabinet near the kitchen. After fidgeting with some ointments, inhalers and pills, he finally took out a long bandage roll and a metal clips, and a white tube of ointment.

He came back to me and sat cross legged on the floor. Then, he gently took my leg into his hands. He then squeezed some ointment out of the tube onto my leg and gently started massaging it along my foot. I flinched a little as I felt the pressure of his fingers against my foot.

“May5alef its gonna hurt shwaya, only for a minute till the medication kicks in. then, you wont feel a thing”

And he was right. The next thing I knew was that the pain had disappeared completely and all I could feel was his soft palms against my ankle.

“Better?” he said when he was done.

“Oh you have no idea”

“I’ll just wrap it up for you ba3ad 3shan yray7ch m3 elpressure”

He gently, yet firmly, wrapped my ankle. When he was done, he asked me to get up and stand. When I did, I felt absolutely no pain at all.

“This is great! Its all gone! Chenna ma 9ar shay!” I said, looking down at him as he sat cross-legged on the floor.

“Its gonna be like that for the next few hours too” he smiled, and then got up on his feet. “Now that we have that fixed comes the most important part, you’re soaked. Lazem etbadleen l2ana by7ooshich cold etha you stay like this. Fa I’ll just go get you a change of clothes 3shan your clothes dry up while I fix you something to drink. Deal?”

I hesitated. It wasn’t like me to accept offers like this.

But then again, its not like I’ve ever been in this situation before.

“Fair enough”

“Make yourself at home 3ayal” he called out as he walked into his room.

I smiled as I looked around me. On the sofa next to me lay a few books. On the coffee table were two stethoscopes. Papers and notebooks were everywhere.

He came back with an oversized GAP sweatshirt and sweatpants.

“These are the only things I own that are clean and will fit you. Sorry.”

“They’re fine. Wallah I really appreciate it. You’re too kind.” I said, giving him a grateful smile.

“Yala roo7ay badlay…3ndch the room or the bathroom inside it if you wanna take a shower or something...eli yray7ch. Oo when you’re done, just give me your clothes a7e6hom bl dryer”


“Don’t mention it, shda3wa? Bs tell me…shino teshrbeen?”

I looked outside the window and saw that it still wasnt sunset.

“A cup of coffee would be great”

“Then coffee it is. Egoloonly no one can fix a cup of coffee like me, so maybe you can tell me if its all mujamalat.”

“I guess”

“Yala off you go. Take your time, don’t rush, tra ma waray shay. Oo lma t5al9een ta3aly”

I walked into his room and slowly stepped inside. It was obvious he tried to clear it up in the few minutes he was inside earlier for my sake. Even though I wasn’t looking, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

And what I saw scared me…

My hair was twirled into tangles and greasy knots all around my face. My eyeliner and mascara were practically everywhere on my face except my eyes.

And the lipstick…

The red lipstick that was all over my mouth and chin and cheek.

Seeing it there brought it all back.

I felt my eyes filling up with tears again as I started remembering what I had been successfully shoving at the back of my head since I met Fahad.

I suddenly felt cold and started shivering. I realized that my clothes were practically dripping with all the rain they had soaked up. For the first time today, I felt like I wasn’t emotionally numb.

I opted to take a shower and try to make myself look less zombie-like. I kept my mind off things during my shower by looking at Fahad’s shampoos and shower gels and smelling them at times, and by trying to keep the water away from my bandaged leg at others.

When I stepped out of the shower, I was a bit light-headed. Even though I knew it was because of the extra-hot shower I took, I knew that wasn’t the only reason. I felt exhausted. I felt weak. I felt drained.

I decided to sit down on the bed for a few minutes till the dizziness subsided, in fear of falling down and breaking my leg for real this time.

The next thing I knew was me in a deep, dreamless slumber on this stranger’s bed.

Saturday, April 25

Contrasting Realities 23

ehda2 5a9 7ag Gutter Flower:
no, there was no fly on her face ;Pp


It wasn’t fair.

I never saw it coming.

I was caught off-guard.

It was unexpected and unannounced.

And uncalled for, for that matter.

In less than a split second, and in one swift move, M7ammad’s hand slid behind my neck and he closed the distance between his face and mine, not giving me a chance to react.

His lips locked with mine. It didn’t start off gently like I always presumed kisses would. He was practically devouring my lips. Like he’d been hungry for them. Like he’d been waiting for them for a long time. Like he’d been holding back for too long, and is now, finally free.

I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know when to react. I was, yet again, frozen.

And though I never kissed him back, I never pushed him away either. I just closed my eyes and felt every senseation coming to my brain from my lips.

It started off powerful and intense, to the point where he was actually pushing my face closer to his with his hand from behind my neck. He bit on my lips and sucked on them, but never once dared tried parting my mouth or using his tongue.

Eventually though, it got softer and more passionate; less lusty perhaps. He kiss became softer and softer, and I felt the pressure of his lips on mine becoming lighter and lighter till I could only feel them on my lower lips. Then I felt the smoothest tug on my lower lips, and then…

And then they were gone.

I couldn’t open my eyes instantly. It took me a while to react. Even though I could no longer feel his lips on mine, I felt his heavy breath on them.

His face was obviously still close to mine.

And they did nothing but accentuate all the sensations that were still being transmitted from my lips. I consciously knew that his lips were no longer in contact with mine, but somehow, it didn’t sink in. I could feel electricity zooming through my body, entering every cell in it as it traveled, as if to make an announcement to each and every one of them about what had happened.

Haya Al-Flani has been kissed.

Her first kiss.

In the middle of a department store.

Not by 3bdallah, as she’d always imagined.

By someone whom she doesn’t even like.

Or does she?

How long did it last? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?

I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d told me days. But I had lost complete track of time. And space. And….person?

Infact, I only realized that I’m losing my balance when I felt M7ammad’s hand behind my neck grip me tighter and his other one support my arm.

I finally opened my eyes.

The first thing I noticed was the red lipstick all over his lips…all over his mouth…all over his chin. Looking up I saw the dazed expression on his face, like someone just told him he was flying to the moon tomorrow. I could even see something more there. Shock? Disbelief? Guilt? Pleasure?

Then it clicked.

It was guilty pleasure.

Then I looked up. And our eyes locked.

Neither of us spoke. Neither of us could utter a word.

But somehow our eyes did all the speaking.

Looking into his deep blues now, I don’t know how I missed what I was seeing now before. I suddenly saw all the yearning, all the longing, all the holding back, all the regret, all the fake attitude, all the jealousy, all the anger, all the guilt, all the sorrow, all the lust, all the waiting, all the hoping, all the dreaming…

All the things he’d been keeping inside him for so long.

As I read it now, I realized it had always been there, but I never saw it. It was like I suddenly learnt the language of the words spoken by his eyes that I couldn’t decipher before.

It all made sense to me now.

I knew my eyes were speaking back to him, but I didn’t know the stories they were telling. And even though I had no control over what was being said, I could feel my soul pouring out.

I felt my eyes swell up and I felt the tears form inside them. The more I read into his eyes, the more I felt that my soul was being ripped apart. I didn’t know why, but I just felt worse and worse.

With my eyes still locked with his, tears started falling from them.

“Haya…” I could barely hear his voice. It was filled with so many chocking emotions.

He started reaching for my face “Haya I’m sorry…I don’t -”

The moment his fingers touched my face was the moment that it all sank in. I couldn’t stand there anymore. My emotions were taking over me. I was breaking down.

I just ran out of the store.