missed you guys ;**
extra long post since i've been away for so long =)
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It took a lot of effort on my behalf to keep my eyes in their sockets for the next few moments. I sat there with my butter knife in one hand and my toast slice in the other, assuming that my jaw was wide open but still, having no power to close it whatsoever.
“It’ll look nice in your hair. It goes with what you’re wearing” he said, after what seemed like an eternity of silence.
I swallowed loudly.
“So you got this for me?”
“Well, I saved it for you. It came with breakfast actually” he said while pointing to the empty vase on the side of the tray and holding my gaze, making sure his eyes never left mine.
I exhaled deeply. As the air escaped forcefully from my lungs, I felt my heart slow down and the sweat forming on my forehead evaporate. Once more, I regained control over my jaw muscles and closed the entrance to my mouth.
“Thanks” I said with a grateful smile. I wanted to tell him that his sweet little gesture made so much difference in my pathetic excuse of a day. I didn’t though, because it meant that I would have to explain to him why it was a pathetic excuse of a day.
“Let me help you with that” he said, reaching into my hair and fitting it nicely into the side of my head.
“There we go. Yala 3ad, now that you look all pretty, lets get out of here gabl la net2a5ar” he said as he looked back at me, with my now fitted rose. He flashed me one of his smiles.
Was that a twinkle I saw in his eyes?
We walked together down the street leading to university, chatting a little about how gloomy the weather was. Even though I was enjoying his company, that little voice in my head kept telling me that this day wasn’t going to continue running so smoothly. I ignored the feeling, though, as I trotted happily towards the lecture hall.
On our way, I called Layla, who told me that she will be arriving tomorrow afternoon. I was happy to hear that until she told me that she was coming alone because the other couldn’t find any flight reservations. I told her about what had happened with the hotel as well, so she can tell her husband, but he didn’t seem to mind, knowing that we were sharing the suite with M7ammad, his best friend.
Even though we had arrived 15 minutes before the session started, the lecture hall that accommodated 500 people was packed. The only place we managed to find was one big enough for one overweight person. We had no other choice but to squeeze into it, after politely asking everyone to make as much space for us as they could.
I understood the true meaning of the words dangerously close as I sat next to him in that space. Our bodies were practically glued. Every time his arm casually brushed against mine, goosebumps made their way down my spine and throughout my body. It didn’t help at all when he put his arm on the bench behind my back. Since we were squeezed into a very small area, the moment he removed his arm, my body rapidly slid across the space that it had occupied. His arm was now literally around me, though not touching me at all, and fixed on the top of my bench the whole time.
I was relieved when the session was over, and practically jumped out of my seat. Looking around me, though, at the people who couldn’t find a seat and were sitting on the floor, the closeness didn’t seem to matter too much. But even after we got up, his M7 still lingered in my head.
The right side of my body immediately felt cold when I stood, since it was practically lodged into his side when we were seated. I realized I was actually disappointed that I was no longer connected to him physically, telling myself it was because he had kept me warm, but not entirely believing myself. Naturally, I assumed that was why I caught my body involuntarily (and subconsciously) brushing against his as I walked by his side.
This is not going to be a good day…
By the time we finished our sessions and got out registration papers sorted, it was nearly 7pm. We left the university’s campus and headed for lunch (or rather dinner). M7ammad suggested a nice Italian place near Piccadilly, so we took the tube to get there. To my luck, there was some vandalism at the station we’re stopping at, and we were stuck on the train for hours. M7ammad left me to stare at the floor and ceiling while he slept through it all. I was lost in my own chain of thoughts when his head fell on my shoulders while he was asleep. I looked at him.
And I couldn’t take my eyes off him…
Even though I couldn’t see his most striking feature, the absence of his piercing blue eyes added so much serenity to his face. His M7 was now mixed with the fresh minty smell coming out of his hair. He had the most subtle smile on his face. Not a sly one, not a mysterious one – one that you saw on the faces of newborns, when their lips form the faintest curved line. He looked like an angel.
His head was starting to fall off my shoulders to the front. I lightly held it and put it back on, but it fell again. So, once again, I put his head on my shoulder, but this time left my palm on the side of his face to fix it there. A few minutes later, his body sank a little more into my side and his head sank a little more into my shoulder. He lifted his hand and rubbed his eye a little, while his mouth went on chewing what I presumed to be air, before forming a wide smile.
Then, unpreceeded and unannounced, his hand fell from his face onto my thigh.
This is not going to be a good day…
Electric currents zoomed throughout my body, going up and down, left and right, inside and out. I froze and my body became rigid. I stopped breathing. When I could finally gather my thoughts, I looked back at his face to find him still fast asleep. I wanted to move his hand from my thigh, but decided to leave it there because I didn’t want to wake him up and wonder why it was there in the first place. He left me with my own train of thoughts until I woke him up when we had to leave.
We arrived at the restaurant at nearly 10pm, relieved to find that it was still open while the rest of the city lay in dead silence. Our meal was eaten in silence, partly out of exhaustion and partly out of hunger. Before we left the restaurant, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. As I went through the contents of my purse, my hands made it to my phone.
My heart sank when I saw that the only missed call was from my dad and nothing from 3abboud. For some reasons, I made my way to the inbox and read the first message there. The one I got from him this morning. I didn’t realize how emotional I was until I saw a tear fall on my screen. I looked back to the mirror infront of me, and the pained expression on my face just killed me.
This is not going to be a good day…
“Kaifa” I said out loud, “If he wants to be that way, so be it. Ana ma sawwaitla shay” I told myself reassuringly. Somehow, my words made me feel better, and forced the tears in my eyes to dry up. While texting my dad, I forced any thought of him to the back of my head as I stepped out of the bathroom to find M7ammad waiting for me so we can head back to the hotel.
“Shall we?” he said, as he held the door open for me.
We walked back to the underground station, only to find out that it was still closed. Having not found a taxi in sight, we decided to walk until we did. I came to find out that, like me, M7ammad was a big fan of walking, and that he walked for several hours everyday. I, on the other hand, was in severe pain given the 10cm heels I was wearing. But I was enjoying his company too much to complain, even though we were just chit-chatting about nothing in particular. It was soothing to have someone to talk to after the hectic day I’ve had. He was taking my mind off a lot of things that I didn’t want to think about.
After walking for quite a few hours, we realized that we had gotten too close to the hotel. We were amazed at home time flew by while we were wrapped up in our own conversations. Passing by a small grocery store, we decided to buy some drinks until we got back to the hotel. As we were leaving, M7ammad asked the owner for directions back to our hotel. The owner stepped out of the store with M7ammad and towards the street, showing him exactly where to go. Walking behind them, I saw three men outside wanting to step in as well. They stopped in their way, though, and signaled for me to exit before them. Realizing that their breaths reeked of alcohol, I didn’t make any eye contact with them and did as I was told.
Once I was within the narrow doorframe, one of the men quickly stepped up into the narrow entrance, and I felt his entire body against mine. I felt his hands grabbing my butt and squeezing it tightly. He whispered something into my ear as his neck came into contact with mine, but amidst the horror and his thick British accent, the only signals that made their way into my brain were the smell of the alcohol that nauseated me, and his hand still on my bottom.
Even though this whole scenario only lasted the split second that it would take any normal person to step out of a door, time was moving very very slowly. In the beginning, I simply froze, not believing what was happening and not knowing what to do. Then, I prayed to God to just help me move my muscles and get out of that forsaken narrow entrance. When I did regain control over my muscles, I stepped out as fast as I could, violently pushing him away and watching him fall back into the street in the process. The two men behind him had dangerous smiles plastered to their faces, despite the fact that they couldn’t even stand upright while they were drunk.
After I stepped out, I stopped midway in my step. Partly because I was too shocked and frightened, and partly because I didn’t know what to do. Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I felt M7ammad walking towards me. I thought he had found the way, but the closer he got to me, the more I felt angry vibes coming out of him. When he got to where I was, he didn’t stop and continued his way towards the drunken man. When he walked past me though, I felt heat radiating out of his body and I heard him breathing louder and faster.
This is not going to be a good day…
I came back to my senses.
“M7ammad, la tsawy salfa he’s drunk”
“Well, well, well…looks like we’ve got a bunch of Muhammad-loving terrorists down here. Whatcha gonna do, big guy?”
M7ammad’s face turned into the deepest shade of crimson, and I saw his hands turn into fists. I ran over to him and held his hand, pulling him back.
“M7ammad, he’s drunk. Please la tsawy salfa, lets just walk away”
“Entay ma shefty shsawa!!” he yelled, looking at me with eyes that signaled rage. He slipped his hand out of mine. I quickly stepped infront of him and watched the sweat flowing down his face like it was a river.
“M7ammad, look at me. Just let it go. Tekfa, please just let it go” I said, looking into his deep blue eyes.
“Haya, mo mn 9ijich!! Ana ma agdar asket 3la hal ma95ara” he screamed while looking directly into my eyes. He was scaring me.
“What’s the matter, Muhammed? Need somebody to hold us down, now do we?”
I felt his entire body shake, even though I was standing quite a distance away from him. His face became redder, and his eyes looked menacing. His now-fisted hands were rising, as if in slow motion, and making their way to the drunken man’s face.
“M7ammad tekfa 3shany” I begged him with tears flowing down my face.
Upon hearing my breaking voice, his fist took a detour and collided with the wall that the drunken man was leaning against, only centimeters away from his face. I was breathing heavily and tears were streaming down my face. The taunting expression on the drunken man’s face disappeared when he saw the indentation of M7amamd’s fist in the wall, and the blood mixing with the cement as he pulled his fist away.
I pulled some tissue out of my purse and slowly, even hesitantly, walked towards M7ammad. I put my arm around his, and put my other hand on his fist, trying to pull it into the tissue. It was difficult to move it though – his entire body seemed to be molded in that position.
This is not going to be a good day…
“M7ammad walk with me. Yala please tekfa. Tra ga3d t3awerly eedy M7ammad”
It took a while for his body to follow through with his arm that I was holding. I felt his tense muscles and his hot body. I could even feel his rapid pulse with my arms wrapped so tightly against his. As we walked away, I tried to make conversation to calm him down, but in the back of my head, I was just praying that the night would end at this. He never replied to me; he just kept walking forward with his fist still clenched in the tissue paper in my palm.
I had lost all sensation of time and place when he suddenly stopped in the middle of an empty street.
“Shit! Haya you’re shaking like a leaf!”
I snapped back to reality to realize that both my hands were still wrapped tightly around his arm that his suit jacket was now creased. I could even feel the indentation I left on his arm underneath his shirt. When I loosened my grip, I realized I wasn’t just shaking, I was practically vibrating.
“Wayhech mafee loun. You’re as pale as a ghost!” he said in a panicking voice.
I suddenly burst into tears. I don’t know why it came now, but it was like the pickle on the top of the giant crap sandwich that was my day.
“I don’t like drunk people! I dont like racist people! I don’t like people eli kil youm eb 7al! I don’t understand why everything has to keep going wrong for me. I just want today to ymer 3la 5air. Is that too much to ask? Why cant today just simply be over? Tell me am I asking for a lot?!” I said in a high pitched tone - the high pitched tone that I use when my frustration exceeds its limits. I wept and wept and wept, feeling my make-up running across my face and not caring. I just wanted to cry.
“Shhhhhh...its gonna be okay. I know its been a very tough day for you. I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be okay” he said, as he took me into his arms and held me tight. I cried on his shoulders for what seemed like an eternity. I knew this had nothing to do with today. It was about my confusion with 3abboud, my worry about Dr. Nasser, Rana’s attitude and the new side of M7ammad I was seeing. It was like a big cocktail of feelings. Things were piling up and I was simply too overwhelmed to know how to act.
When the sobbing finally stopped, I pulled away from M7ammad’s arms and looked at the wet part on his jacket that contained all my tears. Realizing what had just happened, I looked to the ground in shame. He pulled my chin up with one hand, and gently wiped my tears with the other. He smiled; a happy smile. This time, he held it there, giving me a chance to take it all in. I couldn’t stop staring at his face that was lit up so beautifully by the simple curve of his lips.
Just like I thought the first time I saw it, it took my breath away.
“I wanna see your beautiful smile. Tra ma buga shay belyoom; cham sa3a oo e5ale9 oo bacher nabdy youm ydeed” he said ever-so-gently.
Tears continued running down my face.
“Yala 3ad la yshoofch a7ad mn elshareka al7en oo tfashleenna” he said, imitating Dr. Nasser’s voice.
I laughed a little. I tasted my tears as my mouth parted.
“3afya 3laich. Don’t worry Haya, everything will be okay”. Saying that, he put my head on his shoulder and his head on top of mine. He then wrapped his arms around me so tightly that it actually hurt, and we started walking again. As I sunk my head into his chest, I felt safe and protected for the first time today. We walked back to the hotel like that in silence.
When we got to the suite’s door, he removed his arms from around me to open the door. I suddenly felt cold, even though we were indoors. Even after we entered, I felt like there was something missing with his arms not around me. I felt vulnerable.
“Are you feeling better now?” he said, looking at me, and giving me his real smile again. It was even more captivating now that I saw it in the light. It was strange to see it twice in the same day.
“Ee much.”
“Tabeen takleen shay?”
“La2 7addy ta3bana…I think I’ll just sleep”
“7atan ana wayed ta3ban. Its been a long hectic day, hasn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Tabeen shay?”
“Salamtik”
“Allah ysalmich. T9b7een 3la 5air.”
Even though I entered my room with a million thoughts in my head, I could swear I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.
With a huge smile on my face too…
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